Nobody loves me

[Felicity_C]

There is nobody in my life who loves me. I'm in my 40's and my Sister won't talk to me at all and I don't know why. She has dragged my brother along for the ride and we used to get along well. My parents are emotional cripples and won't talk about anything. I'm single and don't have kids. I had a falling out with a close friend about 2 years ago and lost most of my social circle through this. It was because she didn't understand the emotional impact of my near-death experience and she only ever wanted to get drunk and was mad at me because I didn't want to drink or go to concerts. I don't have anyone in my life who truly cares about me. I have a few friends, but not close ones. I just want to figure out what is so wrong with me that everyone hates me. It's like a monkey on my back that I can't shake off even though I try to tell myself it's their problem and not mine. I don't have any motivation to do anything and my house is so messy but I can't seem to clean it up. I don't have a question, but just needed to get this out a bit.  Has anyone had similar and managed to overcome the bad feelings? 

[quirkywords]

Felicity

welcome to the forum.

I don’t think everyone hates you, maybe a few family members are treating you with little respect. .

There many many people you have not me who may like you.
A messy house can be tackled e small step at a time so it does  not feel overwhelming. 

[Quetzard]

Dear Felicity,

Feeling unloved and unworthy of love is a horrible feeling, and I think I can relate. Having moved a lot in my life, sometimes alone in foreign countries, where I barely spoke the language, I struggled to make friends and make meaningful connections. I don't know you, nor the detail of your situation, but here's a bit of advice that helped me. It may or may not apply to you, so take what you need.

- Passed school years, it is hard to make new friends. Even in the workplace. People have families, romantic relationships, etc. and it becomes hard to make time for new friendships and develop meaningful connections. This has nothing to do with who you are. It's just the way things are.
- Friendships rarely magically happen. You need to be out there, try new things, go to new places. Join a volunteer group, start a new hobby. Do something different and social, that will help you meet new people. As adults, we have less opportunities to connect with new people, so you need to create these opportunities.
- "I don't have any motivation to do anything and my house is so messy but I can't seem to clean it up." That sounds like a symptom of depression. Maybe caused by your lack of meaningful connection (or not), but one thing is sure, being negative and unmotivated will make people avoid you. Happy people attract happy people. I know, easier said than done. If you feel like you struggle with depression, maybe you should see a psychologist.
- Make sure you offer as much as you take out of your friendships. I used to be a bad friend. Self-centered. Uninterested in their lives, but expecting them to be there for me when I needed them. My new connections would always walk out when they realised it was a one-way relationship, where I took but never gave back. I learned this the hardway, after loosing many friends. I have also ended friendships where I felt like they were talking about themselves all the time and never asked me how I was doing. It made me reflect on myself. So be curious about other people's life. Ask questions. Make them feel good about themselves. A few books have helped me develop some social skills. "how to win friends and influence people" is one of them. Other books about social intelligence were of use. You may not be a bad person per se, but you may have poor social skills (as I said, I don't know. Just giving you advice based on my personal experience. I had horrible social skills. This is something you can work on, and a little goes a long way.)
- Make sure your friends are on the same wavelength and life stages. You went through life-threatening experience and your friend is on party mode. You may not want to annihilate this friendship, but you may need to take a break until you are both on the same wavelength. As adults, we lose (or pause) many friendships when one have children. One speaks about diapers and the other about partying. It becomes hard to connect when the life experiences is so different.

In any case, your need for meaningful connection is valid. Please know that you are not alone, and you are not isolated. You may need to tweek your social skills, but you are worthy of love and friendship. Do not hesitate to get professional help (therapist) if you feel the need.

[Felicity_C]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. 

I think you have nailed it! It's become easier to hide away than it is to make an effort. I've been so wounded by the things that happened that I stopped trying. 

Since writing my post I've booked in to see my doctor to talk about depression and seeing a psychologist. I think they are a good place to start while I sort out the social side of things. 

Please keep writing like this to everyone. It's nice to get a reply and feel understood and heard. 

[Quetzard]

Glad I could be of help. I hope it gets easier for you and things improve for the best. May 2024 bring positive change and long-lasting meaningful connections. Good luck.

[Quetzard]

Hey Felicity, just checking up on you. How are things?