No sex ,frustrated and depressed

[Hope4321]

Hi,

I have been married for almost 5 years now .We have a kid who is almost turning 2.Sex in our relationship was very good untill we had our son ,it was like both parties ready anytime we felt like it.Then after our son was born ,it was still good for a year after he was born.Eventhough not frequently like before,but i was totally ok with that.Then after that 1 year mark my wifes attitude towards sex has changed dramatically.She says she doesnt enjoy sex anymore and shes providing a whole lot of excuses to justify her part.My wife is a very bold and opinionated personality who can be very fun to be around certain times.We used to fight on our differences and use bad words to bring each other down.But that was only occasionally like every couple and it never affected our sex life before.But now shes is bring up all those up and says i have treated her badly and she doesnt deserve that and she cant have sex at the same time.These bad incidents she has been talking about are minor and silly ones.I think shes is trying to justify her part with all these.At home i do a significant part of cooking,washing dishes cleaning and looking after my son when i am home. I also travel for work quite a lot ,during that time she has to do all the work unfortunately.She only works partime also.Anyway i tried communitating openly about my frustration and sadness for not having sex,but she is just very reactive.I have been rejected so many times and when ever she agreed she just lay on the bed like a dead rubber.So for the past few months i stopped initiating sex due to fear of rejection and low self esteem.But for me its causing so much frustration ,sadness and not even sure whether i am depressed.Whenever i see my son playing around me i just forget everything and be happy around the house.i sleep in a different room now and my wife thinks i am happy satisfying my sexual desires by myself.But every night when i go to bed my sadness,depression and frustration creeps in .I am waking up multiple times at night.Just feel helpless and hate life now except my son.I feel like there is no hope to change this coz of the personality of my wife.I have spoke about going to marriage councelling with no response from her.She is living like its not the end of the world.I just had to vent out somewhere.

[geoff]

Hi Hope, please be ensured that I'm not being judgemental here, just answering your comment.

There have been some great comments, which I've read and do agree with, so I had typed out a long reply, but instead, I just want to say, that not much will happen until the two of you are able to sleep in the same bed, that's where the two of you have connected.

Don't anticipate until this is done.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hi Hope, I have replied back to you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Mum of adult children]

Hi, I think I’m a bit like your wife and while I’m not justifying her treatment of you I thought I could explain it a bit. I haven’t felt like sex with my husband for years now. I work full time and he’s been struggling to find work for 18 months and he’s now 66, so it’s really getting less likely. We are heavily indebted and we need to get out of that situation to survive financially. The pressure to keep doing the breadwinner role and my lack of free time affects my happiness. Plus I feel like I’ve lost respect for my husband as he didn’t save for retirement, instead relied on property values to increase.

Im much more financially conservative and we argue about that. He complains I don’t want sex but I just don’t feel like it ever. I take medication for hypertension and I think that lowers my libido. If I suggest anything he does could be done differently, he reacts defensively and calls me names, puts me down and then I feel even less attracted to him. He won’t go to counselling either, which I’ve proposed many times.

i realise this isn’t really offering you advice, but maybe your wife’s lack of libido is similar. I don’t feel like I can lift my desire for sex because of these other factors. It’s the tha need to be fixed first...

good luck.

[Jellis2411]

This really sounds alot like my marriage too.

I'm normally expected to start and finish because he's too anxious to do anything with me, but he will complain about how we don't have sex and take it personally, and if we do have sex, I'm not having an orgasm because he's to sad to try.

Makes me feel isolated, objectified and rejected all in one.

The problem with resolving it, is as tension rises, joy is a minimal experience at each attempt .

He's angry cause I don't want sex, I'm angry because I am constantly picking up his slack around the house because he's stuck in his own head on PC games avoiding me and life.

There's been times where I can't even masterbate because his anxious behaviour is in my head and I'm way too stressed.

Not to mention if I make myself manually finish during, hell get upset with me.

This adds waaaay to much pressure on a lass, the idea of sex is pretty poop TBH

This might give you insight from a female perspective.

[Shockwave]

This sounds like my first marriage. My then wife said she had lost interest but the fact of the matter was she was having an affair and getting it elsewhere. Not entirely her fault as I was not meeting her emotional needs. I was studying part time as well as working and was drinking excessively to cope with the stress. We also had two pre 10 year old kids. . In those times I never really understood the differences between men and women and was aghast to learn that, despite being reasonably good looking for my age and quite fit, she had lost interest. Men on the other hand generally find sexual attraction when the woman is physically appealing regardless of whether or not they have been hurt emotionally.

I certainly took what I learned from those days into my second marriage. We communicate openly, rarely resort to name calling, have eachothers back and are best friends as well as lovers. One added benefit is that we no longer have the pressure of raising children . We have 4 kids between us and all in the early 20's. We are now aged in our mid 50's. Consequently, even after 10 years together, our sex life is still strong. In fact it's the best it's ever been. We're intimate about 5-6 times a week, hold hands when walking etc etc . We even went out lingerie shopping last Saturday .

I wish you luck.

[Farfaraway]

Mate I hear you, I read the replies and I shake my head. Your post isn't anything new and Ive been going through it for the last 10 years.

Can everyone please stop trying to cover this up. Men and women are different and it's Bulldust to assume we should be monogamous. Its sad and it breaks my heart to say that but please can someone explain it to me any different. Here is how I would verbalise it.

If when we get married and sex is the only thing we do with our partner, how is sex not a sign of love? As in they agree they love each other and the one thing thats is taboo would be to have sex with another person..... Makes sense, but how then if that one thing is so important, why is with holding sex not a bad thing? You cant have it both ways.

Lets put it another way, if a man said to his wife, we are married, I dont want you talking to anyone else. If you do thats classed as cheating. However I don't feel like talking to you anymore, I still love you and want you around, I just don't want to talk. Who has the problem, the husband who doesnt want to talk, or the wife who cheats and just needs to talk to someone?
No i don't think anyone should have to have sex if they don't want to. It's your body and I'm also not into just being thrown a bone. No that is really admirable and my partner has done that for me but it still leaves me feeling empty. I don't want her if she doesnt want me.
However at 48, Im still as randy as when I was 17. Every guy I speak to is the same. Unfortunately for us guys, the desire doesnt wane. If really really sucks to be married to this gorgeous sexy wife, and she is totally hot. I will never get anyone hotter again in my life, I know this, Im punching above my weight. But when I touch her she gets annoyed. Its always the same old excuse, Im tired, Im stressed, I just dont feel like it!!! Bulldust, your a 47 year old women and your just not into sex anymore. Its ok, you don't have to be, its your body, I get it.

[Hope4321]

Just an update on things.

I have taken my wife to a gp to talk about the issue and did some test and it all came back normal. They referred her to a sexual health specialist and my wife took that to a dead end since I couldn't go with her for that appointment unfortunately. Now we are back to square one. I wanted to try counselling, but she is refusing and telling me to change my attitude and behaviour towards her first and then she will think about sex. She will threaten me sometimes for emotional abuse by exaggerating things which I have said to her as a defensive mechanism for arguments she has already started. She has gone to a gp and also spoke to the domestic violence hotline once when she was on her emotional breakdown about things I have said to her out of frustration. She will cry and present in a manner and along with the fact that she is a woman, the people on the other end told her my behaviour is unacceptable and the gp even prescribed her an antidepressant which she refused to take. The reality is even though I get angry sometimes and say some bad things to her when she initiate an argument during her mood swings ,I don't deserve to be treated like this. What I realise is that my wife is an opinionated and stubborn woman since I met her which was ok before pregnancy since sex was there.But after child birth she has gone to the extreme limit and now a completely different woman to deal with. It has been more than 2 years since pregnancy and birth and still things are getting worse day by day. I am trying my best to help her with our son and doing the household duties with no appreciation from her ,tried giving her gifts and taking out for dinner. No change. I am stuck in this scenario to make a hard decision to whether leave her and move on or stay in this for a while to see if anything changes in the future for the sake of my son. All this is taking time and my frustration without intimacy for these period is killing me especially when you are living in a society which focusses lot on sex and intimacy.

[smallwolf]

Hi Hope4321,

I sense you are very frustrated with the situation which is normal - even my psychiatrist when we discussed the effects of anti depressants were having commented on that intimacy was important to a relationship.

I am also cognisant of the fact that is hard if not impossible to make some behave differently - we can only change ourselves. And perhaps I missed this in one of your earlier posts but you mentioned

telling me to change my attitude and behaviour towards her first and then she will think about sex

.Could you tell a little more about that? I know you had said that her work was stressful previously, and putting that onto you at home.

The other side of the coin is how far do you have to compromise or bend for another. On these matters I cannot comment as I do not know the whole story. But if there is a case whereby your wife needs to take an anti depressant, and you get angry at her, if it possible that will what she remembers rather that any positives.

Tim