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dealing with death, friends and seemingly unreqited love

Community Member
will make this as short at possible. 2 years ago a friend of mine passed away, that friends partner I have known and been close to for many years and she really needed someone solid to lean on during this time, I myself broke my back in 2014 and have been off work since then so felt as someone who had the time to give I would make it my duty to help her through this time, so I moved in and pretty much dedicated every waking second of my life to making sure she was okay. fast forward to now and things are going well, but things between us have gotten complicated, we've lived together for 2 years now and have built what I would say is a stronger relationship than I ever imagined I could have with anyone. we spend all our time together, have travelled half of Australia together, she calls me every night on her way home from work, we sleep together every night (have done for as long as I remember now) , we have a sex life even though its up and down. we have talked about our future together and I realise this is something I cannot push as she needs time and making things official between us is a massive step and in so many ways is going to be the day she decides to move on and start the next chapter of her life , I cant think how scary this is. a lot of my issues lie within myself never being sure if i'm doing the right thing by her, am I forcing her to try and love me, will she ever truly love me, is she attracted to me, the questions go on and on but I do feel deep down things we're meant to be this way and I need to be patient. I have only really told one person where things are going but she has told quite a few friends and has told them that we have even spoken of having kids in the near future and has said to me the reason why she wont jump in the deep end and commit to me yet is because she feels she knows shes not going to be able to give me 100% yet, we are planning on traveling again at the end of the year. things like this and just everything in general makes me feel she does love me and does want this to work , its just not going to be easy. i'm not sure what kind of advise i'm looking for but i've been really struggling with it all lately, maybe I need to feel like im doing the right thing, maybe im exhausted from not feeling loved, maybe im just so scared of losing her I keep getting ambushed with negative thoughts, id love some thoughts and advice. thanks..
4 Replies 4

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Nias_worrior and readers.

Good on you talking about how you're feeling ☺
Here's really good people are helping eachother without judgement in a good enviroment.

Something that stood out to me reading your situation was you said you're not sure if she's attracted to you. I can't be sure of course but the fact she's sleeping with you I would think she is.

She clearly seems to enjoy time with you and to travel and live with someone are both life biggies so if you still get on well I'd think there's something good between youse.

I wonder Nias (if its ok to call you nias) if she might be holding back even subconsciously for a couple of reasons.
I'm guessing she might still be grieving and because of she's not sure if shes ready yet.

The other possibly self protection.
As you'd know the pain of losing someone you love or care about which you also have gone/going through is tremendous. Whether that could be holding her back too but I don't know.

After a couple of yrs the pain can still be quite fresh and times needed for people to find themselves and land back on their feet.

She's very lucky by the sounds of how you feel about her to have you.
I hold hope from what you've said that your friendship will continue and grow.

I think it's very considerate and thoughtful that you wonder if you're being impatient.
She sounds like she might need more time. Not to say stop because it seems you're both enjoying your time and are close.

I think the best thing for you both Nias is to enjoy what you have now and see how it goes although for your sake too its not a bad thing to question as you are.
Maybe talking your feelings to her could help.
It's a good thing to be able to communicate in any relationship well.

May I ask but no need to reply if you're not comfortable to, has she said she loves you?
And why are you unsure if she does love you?

I wish you happiness and hope to hear from you and how you're going.

Feel free anytime to talk.

Cya ☺

Thanks so much for the reply, so to answer your first question yes she has told me she loves me on quite a few occasions, and now you've had me admit that to myself it makes me question what I'm worried about, I think alot of it might be because I'm still lacking that commitment that I am giving I'm feeling alone in this. I really do want to give her as much time as she needs and I can't even bear to think how hard it is for her.

We had a good talk thismorning and I think alot of my worry comes from the fear of not having a future together, and alot of it is me questioning myself weather I'm doing the right thing by her. She has openly said that she is not really ready to commit, alot of it is fear of moving on and alot of it is her not wanting to commit when she cannot give me 100% yet. I really do understand this and I think I just need to harden up, be happy for what we have and keep doing what we're doing and stop putting pressure on her,

Sorry I accidentally hit post before I was finished there 🤦‍♂️ so to go on,,, I feel I need to try not to make her feel pressured and just keep doing what we're doing, what will be, will be... It's just really hard to think that maybe we won't have a future together so that is where I struggle most, when I think of that I start to panic and think of selling up and moving overseas and starting a new life, I know it sounds silly but I just couldn't imagine doing life with out her where we live, in saying that how selfish of me! imagine how hard it is for her to lose her partner! I really think I need to concentrate on just doing what we're doing with no pressure of moving forward for now and just cherish what we have while we've got it 🙏

Hi Nias and everyone ☺

You're very welcome thanks ☺

Anything involving our emotions that are very complex can be incredibly hard work.
Love being the bomb heightens our emotions to mammoth proportions.
We become very vulnerable at times.
Often there's pain attached to love but it's something not only we all enjoy and grow from we need it.

You mentioned being selfish.
I like that you're open to your failings but I'm not sure that you are being selfish.
I see someone very in love and finding it difficult quite understandably when at this stage anyway it's not fully reciprocated in the commitment way.
I get you feeling unsettled for sure.

On saying that it certainly sounds that she's happy and comfortable with you and enjoying your time as you are.

Your heart and consideration towards her is a credit to you and your compassion towards her losing a partner is beautiful.

It's only recently a lovely member here I've learnt from and learning to try and live in the here and now (Peppy 🤗). It makes so much sense. We use a lot of energy remembering pain in the past and creating pain that may/not happen in the future. We need that energy for the positives in the now.

It sounds like you communicate well and theres honesty which is very important in a relationship.

Here for you whenever you need to chat ☺

The very best wishes for you Nias ☺🕊