new here slowly going crazy

baker76 · ‎17-11-2015

My partner and I have been together 18months now and We have been through alot with people trying to destroy our relationship like his mentally unstable ex.when we had our very first fight I found out he gave his ex his new number and she was posting everywhere she slept with him.he denied it and changed his number once again.we havent heard anything more from her but only recently I found unread year old messages in my inbox filled with stories and it makes me feel sick literally I showed them to him and we had a fight because he thinks I believe these old messages Im having a hard time with trust issues and I dont know what to do to move on. I dont believe what she said was true but I really cant be totally sure either hes told me numerous times it was the biggest mistake he made texting her when we first fought but I cant seem to believe that.

pipsy · ‎17-11-2015

Dear Baker. You're going to have to trust him completely if you want this relationship to work. It sounds as though he's apologized for past mistakes re: ex. The stories you found are a year old, since then, he's done everything to prove there's nothing 'going on' with her. You've been together 18 months, how long after you got together did you have your first fight, where he gave ex his new number? I'm not surprised you had another row when you showed the year old messages to him. If he is texting her every time you fight (which I don't believe he is), ask him to explain. It sounds as though he is over her, don't let her instability come between you. This is what she's aiming for. You sound extremely insecure, that's going to cause more trouble than his ex ever could. She's picked up on this (somehow) and will do her level best to cause trouble. Stand your ground, tell her firmly to leave you alone, better still ask him to tell her to leave you alone. Your insecurities are also going to cause trouble. Be better than his ex who is obviously very jealous and insecure.

Dwwmills · ‎17-11-2015

Hello Baker76.

I’m a big believer in trust is earned it’s not a given.
Blind trust in my opinion is dangerous. Like it or not, we all way up and
measure our relationships with friends, family and lovers based on how they
act. The longer we’ve known someone the better able we are to judge their
character. Our views can be coloured by past experiences both good and bad.
Unfortunately there are no absolutes or guarantees.

You have only recently found these old messages and I
believe this would be upsetting to anyone. I don’t think you’re slowly going
crazy I think you’re just dealing with the shock of finding the messages. This
being the second time you’ve had your trust in your partner questioned I think
it’s reasonable to stop and have a think. Having a particularly difficult EX only
complicates the situation.

Only you can make the final decision on whether you trust
your partner again or not. You can only do this based on what you know now,
unfortunately there is no crystal ball to see into the future. If you’re having
trouble dealing with this there is no shame in seeing a counsellor or a
psychologist to help you think this through. They may be able to help you sort
out whether it is a trust issue with you or whether your doubt is reasonable or
not. They will certainly give you some strategies to help deal with the
uncertainty. Sometimes we just need help with this.

The other possibility is that you could both go and see a
counsellor together. This is quite helpful as it prevents you having an
argument and allows you to get down to the essence of the problem. Having a
third person mediating the discussion can be very helpful.

I wish you all the best.

pipsy · ‎17-11-2015

Hi there. While I agree with what you say about trust being earned, I do feel that whatever transpired with someone before you knew them, is not part of your relationship with them, now. It's like when you meet someone and they ask how many partners you had before them. That is really your business and should have no bearing on your future. If partner betrays you repeatedly during your relationship, yes, 'have it out'. Don't throw past mistakes at them though, you wouldn't like it if they did. You have to take everyone on the same basis that they take you. Counsellors are fine, if you're both prepared to 'work'. If you have to discuss past relationships, make sure that it IS past, not present. My ex was married years ago too. He told me a little about what had happened between him and her. I did discover some of her past accusations re: him, but decided to take him as I found him, rather than what she had accused him of. Best thing I could've done, some of what she said re: him were true at the time I met him. But what happened between him and I were nothing like what had happened between him and her. His parents caused rifts between us, they had nothing to do with him and her, though. So, you see, you have to ignore the past if you want the future to work. The one thing that does stand out as far as my ex and I are concerned, he is too emotionally attached to his parents to commit fully to me or anyone. I don't hate him or them, it's just sad that he has allowed this to happen. I did trust him as far as not betraying me with another partner. No matter how many female friends our partners have, if they're really satisfied with 'us', that's what matters. Trust also comes with 'time'.

baker76 · ‎17-11-2015

Hi Dwwmills

I have suggested counscelling to my partner because I felt like I had no where to turn but he was against it saying I wouldnt like what they had to say he knows the trust issue I have with him and I try not to believe to much into what people say about his past funny thing was I did trust him at first until he lied to me about giving her the number in the first place and i caught him out

I try not to bring it up because it was 16 months ago I find myself pushing him away before he leaves me

Dwwmills · ‎19-11-2015

Hi baker76.

You could still go to a counsellor or a psychologist yourself.
It’s an important issue to you and I think you need to find a way to resolve
this so you can get on with life. A good therapist will not make you feel bad
about any issue. They will just help you find a way through it. Once you’ve
resolve the issue as “pipsi” says trust will come with time.

Dwwmills · ‎19-11-2015

Hi pipsi.

I must apologise to you pipsi. I am only new to this forum
and I didn’t realise that the reply buttons are directed to individual posts. I
didn’t mean to direct my previous answer directly to your post. I wasn’t trying
to contradict or argue against your previous comments. Now I understand how
things work I won’t do that in the future.

pipsy · ‎21-11-2015

Hi Dwwmills. No apology necessary. You are just as entitled to your opinions as everyone else. All I was trying to establish is that, when you start a relationship, make sure there is no-one else in the picture (first). Whatever past relationships may have been, make sure they ARE past. People quite often row with spouses/partners, then head out to 'drown their sorrows'. This can lead to further complications i.e, spending time with someone else to 'get back' at present partner. If you row with partner/spouse as you do, try NOT to 'throw' past relations at them and why they broke down. When you do that, that is when it becomes counter-productive to both of you. Trust is a two way street, if you and partner/spouse trust each other, those problems won't happen. Not mentioning other posts, but if you find partner has texted previous partner (months ago) and not since, LEAVE it alone. We all do things in the heat of an angry moment that we wished we hadn't. If, every time we do something irrational, it gets 'thrown back' at us, we start questioning why we're in the relationship at all.

If you wish to correspond again, feel free.