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New here. But I just need someone to listen. Someone to talk to.

Community Member
  4 1/2 years ago I met my soulmate.  We were both married.  We met through a mutual hobby and just hit it off.  We started an affair.  Something I never thought myself capable
of.  And I stepped over that line.

But it was wonderful.  And we both fell head over heels in love. 
We both separated from our partners and planned a future.  But
we had issues with our situation.  There were 2 lots of children
involved.  We lived 2 hrs apart - and any future had to involve moving
children away from a parent.  That was hard  - for as much as
we had stepped over that line, we never wanted to cause more hurt. We
talked many solutions.  And
then things got harder. 

My partner had to declare bankruptcy with the business he had had with his
ex.  A proud man was what he started out as.  And it utterly
destroyed him.  It has been 18 months since now.  And in that
time I have watched him sink lower into the mess he is now
in.  He has lost his spark and his passion for life. 
He drinks.  He gets angry.  And he has lost
everything.  He wont contemplate a life for us now as he has nothing to
offer.  But I wanted to be together in debt or bankruptcy.  I knew together we would get through regardless.

But things have all changed.  He has changed.  He loves me
dearly.  I know that.  And he wants to be with me.  But he has to fix is life. 
And his way of fixing it right now needs me to stepback.  To take the
pressure off him while he gets back on his feet.  I said I would
wait.  He says I shouldn't have to wait.  That I need to get my
own life on track.  That we have been together now for 3 1/2 years....but
we still live 2 hrs apart.  We are actually in a worse position now than
we have ever been as far as bringing two families together. 

He needs to stay where he is because he need the higher paying job to get
back on his feet.  I cant take my kids that far from their dad and other
family.   It is destroying us.  He is caught between a
rock and a hard place - and I want to find a way to help us - but I
cant.  He has started seeing a counsellor.  They are telling him he either has to commit to a future with
me - or walk away.  He needs to concentrate on sorting him. 
That saddens me so much.  I am part of this too.  This is also my
life that others are talking to him about.  But I don't get to tell my
side.  And I feel so left out.  So lost.  Today he told me to move on.  That he wouldn't blame me.  That he
couldn't ask me to wait longer. 

6 Replies 6

Community Member
Hi, I can understand where you are in all this, but the counsellor for your bf is right.  He does need to sort himself out so he knows exactly what he wants.  You both have commitments.  He sounds as though he's trying to do the right thing, telling you not to wait.  The fact that you want to is your choice, it sounds as though he feels guilty because, to him, you've put your life on 'hold' till he sorts himself out.   I think you should respect his decision and request and 'step back'.  If you really love him (and I feel you do), can you have a talk with him and maybe suggest a period of time apart ( with no communication) until you both can fully commit to each other.  If the boot was on the other foot, I feel sure you'd be prepared to give him his 'freedom' for the time it took to sort yourself out.  Don't put any more pressure on him at this time.  He doesn't need it.  Each time you talk, he possibly feels pressured to make a promise he's not able to keep.  Give him the space he's asked for.     

Community Member
Thankyou.  I think we both have got ourselves so down about all of this that its hard to see straight.  Obviously he has more clarity than me with the help of the counsellor.  I am just lost and sad.  And unable to think or see clearly.  I love him deeply.  And I always seem to bugger things up.  I feel on such a different wavelength at times. 

Community Member

Hi SimplyLost.  I can see and 'hear' how much you love him.  I don't think you're necessarily 'buggering' things up. I think you are the sort of person who, once they've made up their mind what they want, can't see the point in sitting round.  That's fine if you're with the same sort of person.  He's wanting to take things slowly, to make sure everything is okay before you take the next step.  Be guided by him, he's listening to his counsellor, trust him to know the next step.  As I said earlier, don't make things worse by pressurizing him in any way.  Let him know you love him, you're prepared to 'wait' for him and leave it at that.  If he sees you're not pressurizing him, that'll make things easier.  You can't do any more than what you've done. 

Sorry to say this, but patience is the name of the game here.   Keep yourself occupied with your kids (who still need you). 

Hope I didn't upset or offend you in any way.  If I did please accept my apologies.

Community Member

No - you didn't offend me or upset me at all.  I need someone to help me see things from a different perspective.  I am so wound up, so distressed, that its hard to think straight.   I feel like I have no one on my side and it gets me so down.  Ive never felt so lost.  That's why I came here.  I just needed to get it out there and have someone - anyone - help with an opinion. 

 I want to help him - but I know he needs to help himself.  I want to be at his side to help him rebuild, but hes a proud man and wants to do it on his own.   I have tried not to stress the situation further, but we both seem to get ourselves wound up over little things - when its the big things we should be concentrating on. 

Patience has never been one of my virtues - but clearly I need to learn - or I will lose the love of my life.

Thankyou  Pipsy

We have decided to step apart.

He needs to sort so much right now - and sadly the relationship part isn't a priority.  He says he cant see a future - not just for us - he just cant see his future full stop.  He is so caught up in the past and fixing the present that he cant see a future.  I understand.  But the physical ache is more than I can bear.

He has to find his way.  His spark.  And his passion for life again. 

I am also going thru that physical heartache at the moment. Partner of 3 years is packing up and moving out today. He also cannot see a future, not with me at least. I hope you are feeling better, and things are easing up for you. I know it will get better with time.