New here and feeling unsure
I’m new here and I am
not sure if this is the right forum to write this. For close to 5 years I
was friends with a guy I met on a forum and we were close and used to send
each other long emails regularly and we would talk about a lot of things including some private things I don’t usually discuss with many others but I trusted him ‘cause
he was always so warm to me and he was there for me during some of
my hardest times. In a way he was like a Brother to me online and made me feel
safe when I was talking to him and I gave up posting on forums ‘cause of my bad
experiences on them and only wrote to him. Last month he just left out of the
blue around the time of my wedding anniversary and on the email he sent before he
said he was going through a hard time in his life but I didn’t have to
worry about him ‘cause he would be fine and he had sent me this funny Pikachu picture and I thought that meant he was okay but then when I replied
to his last email he sent me one back the next morning saying that he was in a
dark place and had to deal with some personal shit in his life and he
wouldn’t be able to reply to emails for
the foreseeable future but it had nothing to do with me and leaving me was the
hardest thing he had to do but if he didn’t it would be unfair to me but to
know he would always love me.
I sent him two emails after that telling him how much I cared about him but he wouldn’t reply to me and I was really upset and worried about him and I ended up going back to the forum I was on with him and talked to the other members who welcomed me back and I found out he wasn’t the kind of person I thought he was and had been using multiple accounts on there before including two I wrote to regularly that made out they were from other countries and others that were sexist and homophobic and would attack me and looking at old emails and PMs with them I can see it now and they said some things I only told him and I didn’t really pick up on it at the time and they have been banned. I feel broken and hurt and can’t believe the person who said I was their best friend and they were lucky to have me in their life done this to me.
Was I just part of some sick game or were they just using me and decided to throw me away when they were finished? The sad thing is I still miss him after talking to him for so long but it seems the person I cared about wasn’t real I feel so dumb. ‘cause I loved him and now I just feel alone on here without him.
I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through this. This can be a super confusing situation to be in and I really feel for you.
This is a lot easier said than done, but maybe this is a clean slate for you. I can't imagine you'd want someone who behaves like that in your life and so you could be lucky to have found out their true colours.
You could also use this time now to take care of yourself as well. Do things that you love to do, be with the people you love and do something for yourself each day. Remember you are never alone and you always have someone to talk to, whether it's on this forum or giving a helpline a call.
Welcome, yes here is a fine place to post, and this forum will not give you grief, it is a gentle place.
I guess you were plain unlucky, you have warm and loving nature, and an ability to talk out your troubles with someone you trust -and listen to theirs.
Those are wonderful qualities to have and I hope you experience with this other person will not change you too much. There are sadly some people who have the desire to 'play roles' with others and when they have had enough they move on, leaving a trail of distress behind them. They are skillful at 'pushing your buttons' to get the effect they want.
These is no real way you could know what was going on, it is bad enough in face to face situations where there are more clues. On-line it is just about impossible and even the wisest person can be fooled.
As for missing him, you said he was like a brother, so it is hardly surprising you miss that aspect of what happened. It had great meaning for you and it is so natural to feel great loss.
While being on social forums can be easy to get going on, and can fill one's day, it cannot really be a substitute being with actual people.
This place is an exception, it is moderated 24/7 by professionals and is safe as a result. There are no PM's here. It may well be others have had similar experiences on social forums, can I suggest you have a browse around and see what you can find?
I'd also like to ask if you have anyone in your everyday life, a family member or a friend perhaps you can talk with, who will listen and care. Trying to deal with this by yourself is very hard