Understanding my feelings with my friends

[Thelastbullet55]

Hi all,

This probably sounds like nothing and just me having a really bad/toxic habit.

In 2020 prior to a rough break up. I made good friends with two of my former classmates from primary. We became close very quickly and started hanging out quite a bit. Chatting on the phone all day and night even through the pandemic.

Over time, I have felt that our friendship has not been the same. Whilst I realise that we all have busy lives to attend to, especially now both of them have gotten into a relationship for almost a year now. I am happy for them and have been nothing but supportive in their relationship. I do however, feel that now they’re too busy for me. Chats hasn’t been the same. I have brought it up many times in the past and only to be told that they were busy with work, doing their own things. Other time, understandably they’ve had their own issues to deal with. Sometime I wouldn’t know about it until it is too late and I’ve just started to get annoyed because I’m usually getting ignored when I can clearly see they’re on, talking with others.

What I’m really trying to ask is, why am I feeling this way? I know people are busy, they don’t always have the time to tend to messages and that is fine but when it comes to them. I get extremely frustrated with them, to a point where I am considering cutting ties with them.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In these circumstances cutting ties is not the answer as neither has done anything wrong to you. Both have filled up their lives with relationships and that means dividing their time with not only with their partners but their partners friends, relatives etc.

In my experience it is better to give your friends slack, treat your future times with quality time rather than quantity times.

Also, invite for now, camping etc but understand if they don't come for the advice reasons.

The real remedy here is you amassing more friendships. Spread yourself further.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Adrian

Welcome back, it has been quite a while. 

As a single person talking with those whose lives are on a different course at the moment frankly I would expect things to drift apart a bit. I'd expect they would be looking to settle down.

Friendship is a funny thing, and can exist underneath without it coming out in everyday actions. I've rejoined with friends after they have married and had kids who are now grown, and that has allowed the old relationship to reappear almost as if I was resuming a conversation broken off years ago.

Before I'd thought the friendships just about over as we were all bound up with our own separate and demanding lives - myself included.

Please excuse me for saying this but reading of your troubles 8 years ago I'd be surprised if you were not somewhat sensitive over relationships, it would be only natural. You had parents who broke up, a toxic mother who tried her best to break you up wiht your girlfriend and overall the path was tough, particularly as study was very taxing and money a worry, as was accommodation.

Add to that your recent rough breakup and those friendships might loom larger in your mind.

Do you mind if I ask if you are alone, or is there someone in your life you can lean on at the moment? I'm unsure of your relationship with your dad, might he be understanding?

Following a permanent breakup it is often a good idea to resume a more social life, even if one does not feel very much like it. You meet new people and may find other interests too.

Do you think the above is a realistic assessment, or am I missing things?

Croix

[Guest_4643]

hey, welcome. i'm sorry you're experiencing this, i have too so you're not alone.

hmm, maybe you could try and say you feel like the friendship isn't the same, and you want to chat more? i don't want to give any wrong advice. otherwise if it continues, it may be best to end the friendship. i had to do that with someone recently.

i don't know if my advice will help, i hope so, but i'm sorry if it doesn't. just my personal advice from personal experiences with the same issue. best of luck.

[Thelastbullet55]

Hi Croix,

I remember you responding to my plead for help the last two times I’ve posted here. I am very grateful for your advice and guidance.

Yes I am 28 now. I do not regret what I have been through with my partner and my parents. I have always looked at it as a learning experience and have made me stronger for it. Usually I try not to let my past define me and continue to move forward, but there is no denying that from recent events it has made me a little more sensitive to a lot of things.

On top of everything that had happened, I’ve also had to deal with my partners abusive mother and her younger sister. Who would spit venoms and put you down if you didn’t do what was asked of you. Having to watch my partner fall into this pit of depression was very taxing on my mental health.

About a year or two before the break up. My ex cheated on me with multiple guys. She became very distant and was always too ‘busy’ for me. I guess in a way when my two closest friends started getting more busier I start to panic.

I don’t have many people to lean on, I mean I have my Dad but he’s never been the greatest at advice or guidance. My two friends a year ago were the only ones that was there for me after my break up and were very supportive of me dealing with the hurt, the anger and resentment of my ex. To me having this friendship that was once fruitious to them now being quite busy is very disappointing. It is something that I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a very active person. I do my weight lifting, my wrestling. Do a lot of things at and outside of home to keep me busy, but sometime I do get sad not being able to talk to them as much as I used to.

Do you have any advice on how I could get over this feeling or is it something that I will get over in due time?

[Thelastbullet55]

I have Mb20lover, usually responded with just being busy or have had other stuff on.

I decided not to wait around for them anymore to do what I want to do. So have had to go eat out alone, do what I wanted without them. Make more friends outside of my two closest friends.

The problem is, how do I come to term and accept things changed when I’ve had this once blooming friendship to now just being a shadow of what it once was, but thus is life I guess

[geoff]

Hello Thelastbullet, thanks for your comment.

Being your age and having a partner cheat on you wouldn't be satisfactory as you have been let down, now not only with her, but her mother and daughter and your friends fading away into the background, but these type of friendship change over time, especially when they find someone to partner them who specifically want all their attention and not to be distracted by being with another friend, which happens quite often once they become very close, so their interests change to assimilate with each other and not socialising with previous mates.

They also begin to associate with their partner's friends and become involved with what they are doing, so it's only by accident they don't involve staying with you, but in time they drift apart, so with the gym work plus the wrestling other friendships will slowly develop.

Your previous girlfriend hasn't done the appropriate by you with having these affairs and certainly wouldn't make you feel as though you have any love or devotion and would require the support from your mates, but you're not alone.

I'm sorry for you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.