Never being enough for anyone

[Clover9312]

Hi. I’ve posted here quite a bit about my relationship challenges and I’ve always been SO comforted by your support. I don’t really know who else to turn to. My therapist session already passed and everyone seems busy. I’m finding it really hard to shake off my feelings of disappointment with dating. After a horrible experience in 2023, I made a list of what I truly wanted in a partnership. I really felt that the person I was dating for the last three months had a lot of these qualities. However - I did wonder at certain points if he was hiding some emotional history from me. I opened up about a lot of my anxiety, why I’m in therapy etc. He made vague mentions of past struggles too, but would change the subject and not elaborate or he’d put something on the tv. I got the impression it was not up for discussion in that moment. It seemed obvious to me that there was something though - he just didn’t seem to have the ability to be vulnerable with me. I don’t think he was using me for sex, but he never cuddled me afterwards and never cuddled me while we sat and watched tv. I felt like it was too early days to request that, and now I wish I did. We shared common hobbies and always spoke of them. We spoke everyday. We shared countless laughs and I know he enjoyed my company. We spoke everyday even when I travelled for a few weeks on a trip that I had booked before we met. About a month after my trip, he ended things. He said that based on his previous relationship history and (when he felt “the feels” for those people) he said that he should’ve felt more for me by this time. He had a instinctive gut feeling it wasn’t going to work. He was very complimentary of me and wanted to be open to friendship when the time is right for me. We have mutual friends, so I know he wants to be on good terms. He really was the kindest person I’ve dated and also the funniest. I came to realise that the men I had been with previously were actually quite mean to me. It was refreshing being with someone so friendly and kind to me. I know he wasn’t trying to hurt me or lead me on during these months - but I can’t help but wonder why/how/if he felt nothing for me after all that time. I’m worried he was emotionally unavailable, despite us texting each other everyday and going on consistent dates every week. I just don’t know why he wasted our time for so long if it took him so long to then say he didn’t feel enough. I feel flat now. I know emotional avoidance wasn’t on my checklist. I really wanted to “wait and see” about him and get curious about his life. I planned a chat for a few days ago, but he beat me to it and ended it due to not arriving at “that feeling” yet. Keep in mind he had no idea that I was going to chat to him and see how things were going, so I know he didn’t do this to protect himself. He gave me no indication over the last few weeks that things were going to be over. I actually thought we were getting closer, so I’m a bit shocked. I also feel incredibly rejected. He told me he’s attracted to me (present tense - no past tense) and admired me so much - why couldn’t I be enough romantically? He did mention a girl that hurt him last year - only for the first time I heard about her, when he ended things with me. He still seemed upset about it. Apparently she used him and it hurt him a lot. It makes me really sad that he seemed to have feelings last year for someone who he knew was using him, yet him and I got along so well, he enjoyed the physical aspect of us and spoke to me everyday - yet he couldn’t “feel it”. I feel really inadequate to be perfectly honest. He said he wants to give me space and reach out at some point to see if im interested in being his friend one day. Time will tell if he actually puts those words into action. This is the second time I’ve been told at the three month mark that I’m an incredible person that they still want in their life, but they can’t see a long term relationship happening. The other guy really kept his promise and wanted to be my friend (that didn’t last, as I felt too hurt). I know I’m not perfect, but I do think I’m trying my best to be a good partner. Maybe we just havent found our people. I feel like I’m the “almost, but not quite” girl.

[randomxx]

Hi there op and l'm sorry about everything.

Thing is though that 3mths 6mths 12 or whatever, it's a time that we start being involved with ea other and that will tell us if there's any future. Our feelings will either grow or they won't, our love if any, us as a couple, compatibilities, everything that makes a couple up will all either grow or it won't.

Tbh , he did you a favor bc he told you early but it doesn't have to be or mean any reflection on you in any way or of anything you did or didn't , or the other one - it's just that we can't just make this stuff, it's there or it isn't and he was basically just not feeling enough in it to go on.

lt doesn't mean he didn't really like you for who you are or any of the times you've had or the person, all that can still mean a lot to us of course, or that there's anything wrong with one or the other or they've done something or shoulda coulda.

So try to kinda separate any of those sort of thoughts and feelings or thinking there's something wrong bc there probably isn't. We could go out with 10 people and still not find that something, it's really as simple as that but then one day, along someone comes and boom, it's all there.

Wouldn't worry about the friends thing either ex's are usually best left ex's imo better for moving on better for letting it go, just better all round. Not to say some don't stay friends later but really, yaknow, if you do then you do but if you don't, it's probably better anyway.

Take care

rx