Needing Advice

[WaterFront]

Hi,

My breakup happened almost a year ago. It was sudden, unexpected and not initiated by me. I was in shock for about four months and then fairly depressed for a good five months. I have been struggling with the feelings that come with being rejected. There was a bit of back and forth - mostly respectful and civilised - from both of us. I have processed all of this and while still sad about my loss, I was feeling a bit better. I haven’t talked to anyone about the situation or about how I have been feeling and can’t actually.

Then she recently started texting me, my birthday and so on. She is trying to be kind I think as she knows how badly I was affected and there is no chance of a reconciliation as she left me for someone else who she is still happily with. I don’t want that either. We had been friends for many years before we became involved.

My problem is that her texts are upsetting me for days afterwards and I’m trying to decide whether to ‘block’ her, and if I do, whether I should tell her that’s what I’m doing and why I’m doing it.

I would really like some advice on what to do about this.

[Guest_3256]

Hi buddy.

I just want you to that you are not alone and your situation is very common, actually, more common than not. As long as you feel safe and okay, know that you do not have to respond at all and it's totally fine for you to block and ignore her. There is a catch - from what you have stated about your ex, it is not healthy in any way or form to do what she had done and people who cannot keep one relationship consistent usually have difficulties with their behaviors i.e. personality illness. So just tread lightly, take it slowly, you do not need to even respond to her if she makes you feel uncomfortable - there's someone else out there that belongs in your life, if she did, she wouldn't have done the dash.

[WaterFront]

Hi Jsua,

Thank you for checking in on me and for offering your take on my situation. I’m really beginning to understand that this is not an uncommon situation. Sadly.

I have come to realise that her affection for me was more superficial than my own and to deal with the knowledge that she was just able to walk away easily and quickly. I’m trying to cope with that and just processing.

I’m only just getting used to her not being in my life anymore (after a whole year) as we used to talk and text multiple times every single day when we were not able to see each other. It’s difficult to get used to her absence.

I find myself continually thinking about what happened, what was said and done by her and I’m trying to find ways to block it out and reset my thoughts. Honestly, it is like a ‘loop’ that goes round and round in my head. When I’m at work I can distract myself but not so much during downtime.

Any suggestions for distraction techniques, changing my mindset would be appreciated beyond ‘getting out more’ which I find difficult. I have found talking on this forum and reading other people’s stories, and the advice given, very helpful.

WaterFront.

[Croix]

Dear WaterFront~

It is very hard to get out of the mindset that centers on this person, I've no real alternatives to what I said before except that when my mind is locked in a loop I find the following free smartphone app highly effective in breaking the chain of thoughts and leaving me calmer.

It's called Smiling Mind, and while it tales a little practice works surprisingly well. There are all sorts of exercises catering to different sorts of people and also children.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au/

I have found one that keeps on reminding me to focus - I have a very short attention span:).

Even the 2 minute demo is good.

Hope this helps

Croix

[WaterFront]

Hi,

Here I am again needing support and hoping for some words of encouragement. I had been doing really well. Kind of. Keeping busy at least. I took on board the advice this wonderful community was kind enough to offer. I have also been reading the threads of others and have found that helpful.

I realised that I actually did not have to respond if it was making me upset. I have been responding (We share a small business together that she runs - so the limited communication we have had has been about that) though I haven't responded immediately - taken my time with it. I have also gone 103 days without initiating any contact - I figure I'm over it when I stop counting.

Last night, we had a short text conversation for the first time not about business - nothing upsetting really but I suppose an 'I've moved on' tone from her -and again I have been upset all day thinking about it. I know it's over.

I guess I'm just sad and wanted to express my sadness somewhere.

Thanks for listening.

WaterFront

[Guest_3256]

Hi Buddy.

Reading over your posts, sounds like you have been really focusing on you which is fantastic. Know that your feelings and thoughts are not real, especially when we feel this way or a loss of a relationship. My best advise - be happy as much as you can and let her see your glow.

Keep doing you my friend, you are better than you realize and you do sound like a beautiful soul.

[Croix]

Dear WaterFront~

I guess it is a pity the two of you do have to communicate about business, which in the past may have given you hopes things could go back to how they were.

Now you have said "I know it's over" and that is indeed sad, and that talk would have made you feel the loss.

I'm not sure what is best, counting those days (which shows I beleive it is still too large a part of you life) and keep things to a minimum or being sad and have casual conversions to see if after a while that sadness lessens.

What do you think?

You have had good advice here, to try to live a bigger life again, both keeping yourself physically healthy with exercise, nutrition and so on, but just as importantly broadening your horizons with a full social life and doing things that you can get absorbed in and enjoy - even look forward to.

It gets better

Croix

[WaterFront]

Hi Jsua and Croix,

Thank you for stepping in and providing support. Your observations have made me feel more settled in my mind. Just what I needed in this moment.

WaterFront

[geoff]

Hello WaterFront, maybe this small business together could be keeping some type of anticipation going, so are you able to either buy or sell out, this may help resolve the problem.

Just remember you need to look after yourself.

Geoff.

[WaterFront]

Hi Geoff,

You are exactly right. Part of me wants the small contact the business brings while at the same time it unsettles me and causes me to yearn.

It's about me 'letting go' of someone who is already gone and the longer I delay that, the longer it is going to take to feel better.

My head knows that, I'm just trying to get my heart on board. Not wanting to admit to myself that it's final I suppose and delaying taking the final step of leaving the business and fully disconnecting even though she has disconnected from me.

Talking the whole thing through here, instead of being in my own head, has helped me.

I know it gets better. I'm better now than I was say 6 months ago, or a year ago and I know this 'getting over it' will continue. Just wish it would hurry up and get there - I'm mostly doing what I can to help it get there.

Thank you for your advice, Geoff.

WaterFront

[jtjt_4862]

Hi WaterFront,

Reading your post and seeing how you're progressing and better yourself, I'm really happy for you! Keep it up my friend, you're a fantastic person, and you deserve better (and if you start to realize this sooner yourself, it will help you tremendously). Fill your days with things that you love to do, find new challenges to do and work on accomplishing those challenges, make new friends or reconnect with the ones that you couldn't when you were with her. Life only gets better from here on, regardless of whether you're with or without her. I believe in you, stay strong and enjoy life!

Jt