Need help with family crisis.

[kris_m]

Not sure where to start really. 
my partner and I have been living with my parents for the past year but things have recently taken a turn for the worst. ive been having some issues with my sisters partner (they live separately), he’s really picked on me for years and personally attacks me to get a reaction on purpose. On Christmas Eve things got really bad and he really made me angry. For my family’s sake I just moved on with the evening to keep the peace but by this point I was done with him and the way he treats me. I’ve been harbouring with emotion and anger over what to do then on Friday afternoon I finally opened up to my parents about how I’m feeling about how he treats me and that I’m done with his behaviour. This turned into a rip roaring argument for hours with my mum pretty much defending him saying that’s just how he is as a person and that I should pretty much get over it and my feelings were valid. My partner got home from work and could see I was visibly upset. I told him and he defended me

to my mum and backed up the bullying behaviour by my sisters partner. My partner was in no way rude or anything just mum and him raising their voices at each other. In the end my mum decided to turn things personal and started attacking my partner saying he’s not perfect and that she’s got a whole lot of issues with him and when we both asked her to please share these issues to talk through she simply refused. Behind my partners back today I heard her making snide comments about his job not being good enough he doesn’t earn enough money and she just all of a sudden hates him. 
I think I’m done with my mother. It feels like she will always choose my sister and her partner over me and my own feelings. 

[WhyBee]

Sorry to hear this stress!

Have you tried to organize a heart to heart talk with both you, your partner, your sister and their partner. 

It seems like you have gone to the parents and put them in the middle but perhaps you didn't mention that you've tried this before.

A lot of us, myself included have avoided conflict directly with the party as you feel to be made small by their actions.

If you can write a letter to get it all out first - say everything to them as you want to if they didn't have a voice. Then revise, revise and revise until it becomes civil and speaks the exact concerns you have.

Your feelings how it makes you feel.
How it is causing a rift in the family and if it's possible for them and you to put the past behind and focus on being family as family is important to you and that you feel like you are being mistreated.

Don't involve your mother in this. 

Direct, honest, heartfelt and kind words do more to deaf ears than a launch of negative emotions. Attract a fly with honey not a fly swat.

[kris_m]

Hi Whybee

Thanks for your thoughts. 

I have tried to message my sister a couple of times but she won’t speak to me now. I made very clear in all the arguing with my mother that I never had a problem with my sister. 
me expressing my feelings and issues with my sisters partner turned into my mother saying I’m giving up my family. In no way at all did I ever say that. She completely over reacted. 

given my sister now not speaking to me, would you advise I write her a letter?

thank you 

[WhyBee]

Hi Kris_m,

I am not in your situation but dealt with my ex having very painful and difficult relationship with their family members. They would argue that talking to their mother was useless. But then they also didn't try the heartfelt way only ever antagonization and attack.

The first thought to me is not bring this subject up - you need to work on repairing the communication and trust between you and your sister before tackling this painful subject.

I would try starting with that you feel saddened by the lack of communication and that you miss her (if you really feel this way - don't manipulate to get what you want that will make things worse).

You could just briefly say that the tension between everyone is not what you were hoping for but rather wanted to talk to resolve the issues so you can all get along and have meaningful relationships and this was the primary goal. Think about how you have been interacting. Try saying some of the things to her as you would normally.. but record yourself with your phone talking to the mirror..

Play it back and see how you come across. Sometimes I have been blind to my own tone and that can make it difficult to convey the message when the emotions are so heavily laden that the message is lost and only the emotion is conveyed.

A well thought out letter may or may not open up communications.

Pros: You can get your thoughts out and revise them to see how you would take it if it was her sending it to you. 

Cons: Sometimes things can come across the wrong way in an email if rushed and not well thought through.

It took a lot of counselling for me to see this in myself how I was communicating. 

Your sister loves you but she is also living with her partner and has to deal with the emotions there too. 

[therising]

Hi kris_m

I think if we're a sensitive person, no one feels comments like we do. No one feels words like we do. And if anyone was to say 'They're just words, don't take them so seriously', I think about what someone once led me to consider, which is an interesting perspective...

Consider spelling and how things are spelled out in various ways, sometimes simply and sometimes powerfully. They can be spelled out in written words, lines, paragraphs and books. They can be spelled out as laws in society and in religion. They can even be spelled out in some spoken way. Of course they're not spelled out letter by letter but there is a spelling of sorts about them. In many ways, 'spelling' (the act of spell casting) is achieved through words. I suppose a good example of a spell being broken, in this sense, involves laws being introduced to 'wake people up' to how painful, dreadful and intolerable racial slurs can be. Some people remain under the illusion that they're still fully acceptable and even funny. A new law to follow is spelled out (cast/written in black and white), which serves all except for those who thrive on the illusion. So you could say that while your sister's partner has people 'under his spell', when it comes to how harmless his jibes are toward you, you and your partner are immune to it. You see and feel the jibes for what they are...insults. You are under no illusion. Of course, it's not about actual spell casting and all that Harry Potter kind of stuff, it's just a unique ways of seeing words and how they can be used and experienced. 

I've found it's doesn't matter how you try to break a spell someone puts others under, unless you know how to break it, it may never be broken. You could scream in a person's face 'WAKE UP!!!' or you could give them a physical slap across the face and it could make no difference. It's the right psychological slap that'll typically do it. Until then, people can remain under someone's spell, so to speak, under some illusion that there is not a problem or that you are the one with the problem. It's definitely an interesting way of looking at things, as it implies you're too conscious to be asleep. I can't help but wonder whether you're sister's partner is a bit of a charmer. Charmers have a bit of a 'spell casting' way about them and they absolutely love it. It tends to feed their ego.

[WhyBee]

TheRising,

Your words are very true, I am also very sensitive and my ex was a charmer and a spell caster in that way. 

It sounds like you may have read or would like The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz : The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.

It helps with your own personal development and addresses taking things personally which I struggled with and use of your word and the power of "the word". Our word is a powerful tool which can achieve great things but also cause great pain and many people are not conscious of how they use their words and the effects they have.

Looking past the current pain I wonder if the sisters partner has had some of their own pain in their past. My ex did and has also lost everything I tried to give them. You can only be true to who you are and be aware of what you say and how you say it.

[kris_m]

Thank you both for your thoughts. 

I am definitely a sensitive person, no denying that. And I personally feel that my sisters partner sees that weakness in me and that’s why he goes at me until I crack. I’m not asking him to change how he is as a person. He can have banter with my family and be a pain but with me all I want is just civil hello and how are you and bye. He’s definitely a charmer and has a big ego.  
my family seem to be blind to what he did to my sister 7 years ago before they got back together but that’s a whole other story. 

I am in no way perfect. I acknowledge I take things to heart and am sensitive and lack confidence. I don’t know why I am that way. But what I don’t like is someone deliberately attacking that weakness. I get he’s like that with everyone, but I am me and I have those weaknesses. 
I know I should have gone to my sister and told her how I was feeling but I just didn’t feel comfortable. We don’t have the closest relationship even before all of this. 

[kris_m]

Hi Indigo,

I feel like if my mother had her way I’d be single and living at home forever but then at the same time she’d be complaining at me to go and get my own place.  It feels like part of her is threatened by my partner that I actually am about to get my own place with someone else and start my life without her because then she knows she will have lost control. 
She is definitely refusing to accept any fault of her own in this. 

I don’t even know where to begin on how to build confidence or figure out who I am anymore. 

[indigo22]

Hi again,

I would like to suggest a book that may be helpful and insightful for you by Dr Joe Dispenza called Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself. It's available in paperback, ebook and audiobook depending on your preference. If you find this helpful, there are other books I can recommend going forward.

Take care,

indigo