Losing time with kids, it's not my fault

[Jess_23]

When facing divorce or separation following infidelity and significant issues, how do you cope with the reality that you will lose 24/7 access to your children? Especially when the reasons for your separation is not your fault, but your ex infidelity and other issues. 

For context, our son is 2.5 and is a mummys boy but absolutely adores his dad, and he's a great dad too. But I'm also pregnant with another on the way and finding out mid pregnancy of such long term betrayl I really can't see any way of repairing things with him so I feel like I have no choice but to separate/divorce, and then lose some access to my kids - if being fair means 50/50 custody. It just breaks my heart and I feel like I've been backed into a corner where I either stay and be miserable, or leave and be miserable without seeing my kids all the time. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Nowadays the reasons for seeking a divorce are irrelevant, its a basic right of course and it just requires 12 months of separation. So justification isnt needed hence many people feel they have been treated unjustly because it wasnt their fault the marriage failed due to the bad actions of their partner.

In recent times 50/50 custody has become more common and good communication between the parent is most desirable however getting divorced is sometimes due to poor communication in the first place or immense dislike so it isnt easy to maintain that for many years. We should remember also that the other parent is going to miss out with time with their children, commonly dads that see their kids every second fortnight means they have 12 days between visitations which from my experience is gut wrenching and to add to that even having them for school holidays, results in child support being paid which is suppose to be spent on the kids and sometimes isnt. I'm saying this to show there is another side to the divorce with kids scenario.

Essentially you feel trapped and I think dishonoured in that he has betrayed and "other issues" which is all significant to you and this has made you feel there is no escaping these issues. As a last resort can I suggest counselling for the sole purpose of clarity? Meaning if he is confronted with his past actions and having a second child on the way if there is any chance at all of deep regret he then has the opportunity. We all have our boundaries and infidelity is a big one whereby many people refuse to budge from it, "you sway from the marriage thats the end", but with children involved it has a expanded context. Counselling will at least give you both an opportunity to review these boundaries, him showing regret and then you can reconsider. This future custody split will last 18 years until your youngest reaches 18, its a long long time so its best to air it all out now with no regrets.

I hope that helps and by all means reply if you want. It is a deep issue and heartbreaking for all concerned

TonyWK

[Jess_23]

Thank you for your response.

I certainly do feel trapped and conflicted, damned if I do and damned if I dont kinda deal. 

I have been very amicable and have agreed ro marriage counselling already to see if there is anything we can salvage for the sake of the kids. 

I have known people on both sides where fathers can't see kids as often, and where parents stay together but it is a very toxic home environment. 

All the while he was having an affair we had discussion about the state of our marriage, even so far as to talk about potential custody splits if we couldnt improve things. So he was fully aware of where his actions might lead at the time, unbeknownst to me. 

I'm not saying I would want to fight for full custody, because I wouldn't, I don't want my kids to grow up without their father, it's more so I'm struggling with the idea of how I am going to cope with that loss of time with them. And also the potential turmoil this might bring to them, being passed around, different houses and all of those consequences. 

Not sure where to look to for support I guess...

[white knight]

I'll tell an interesting story.

As soon as my ex and I separated I grieved for our kids. Every morning I'd ring their school to see if they made it there such was my ex's laziness and desire to sleep. Every time they made it to school on time. After a few weeks I rang the school and got upset as I spoke to the principle. She told me "children are more resilient than us adults". It's true, if both parents remain in their kids lives then they will adapt and adapt really well if mum and dad remain as friends or happy acquaintances at least.

After some time you might well look forward to some time out from your kids to do some window shopping, play a sport or get a massage, whatever, it will be free time and you'll also look forward to seeing your kids after their visit.

Re: "Not sure where to look to for support I guess...". Yes, you'll find support here, but the facts remain relevant in that there is far reaching consequences for a marriage split with children that cant be avoided. Every situation you can dream up in terms of visitations/custody  will be a compromise that involves some lost time with your children.

I have a suggestion- As you are pregnant and have a busy time ATM, why not stay with him for now and try to see if there is any developments over the next several months? Visit counselling with the view that he'll have big regrets and you might find forgiveness?

Only a suggestion and I hope there is some room for movement.

Your thoughts?

TonyWK