Need Help - Destroying friendships and family relationships

[noraenorvas]

Hello. First post. Reaching out because there's something happening that I can't control.

I've had childhood trauma, and more recently a shocking divorce after 10 years last September. It took its toll on me mentally and I've been struggling with anxiety/depression. Moreso the anxiety.

It's been a year and I am deliberately lashing out and being difficult towards friends and family. I find myself being tactless and rigid and mean so that it causes conflict and strain. When I realise it is happening, I don't stop it. I have an anger/sadness inside me that wants to end my relationships with friends and family. It's not just anyone, it's people I have resentments for or perhaps unresolved issues.

It's like I'm sick of trying and I just want to destroy it all and cut out the issues. I'm not abusive, or anything, it's just verbal conflict. Instead of resolving things, I just charge and dismiss. I feel an anger start to fuel up inside me and it just wants to push everyone away, so I become arrogant and use accusatory language.

Having a mix of anxiety, depression, anger and sadness is new to me. I'm just sick of everyone's shit, honestly. I need peace. I'm self aware enough to know that that peace will come from the inside, not the outside. I guess I just wanted to talk about it and get some advice that this is (somewhat) normal or common and that I can fix it.

[Croix]

Dear Noraenorvas~

Welcome here to the Forum, life has handed you some very hard times and it is not surprising you are angry and hostile.To come here to try to get perspective and some relief is a pretty good move. There will be many facing similar things.

While I'm not sure if it identical I've felt angry and resentful when trying to deal with my partner and offspring. Not now but when my anxiety, depression and PTSD was bad. I knew they did not deserve it but kept on anyway. It took my partner an awful lot of strength and perspective to last though - particularly as I was not even consistent.

Can I suggest that the only way I could find to improve, be calmer and have a decent relationship was though medical support, which in may case included both medications and therapy with a psychiatrist. It was no instant fix, but I got there and nowadays have enjoyable loving relationships without the bitter anger or wishing they would go away.

At the time I did not really value relationships, and maybe at the moment you don't either - I don't know. I've found they are precious and need to be maintained, they are part of everyone's needs.

I'm sure it is fixable, after all I came though, but doing so all on your own might be a bit of an ask.

Croix

[Doolhof]

Hi noraenorvas,

I too welcome you to the community here as Croix has done already.

Do you find when you become angry about one thing, that your mind decides to remind you about everything in your life that has gone wrong and that helps to fuel your anger?

A psychologist had me write down everything that had happened to me that I was not happy with and that I felt to be unfair. Then I had to write down three things I was thankful for.

It was tough to find the things to be thankful for, but so very easy to write down all the hurts, pain and frustrations. I also had to find ways to find a sense of forgiveness in those issues.

Maybe you could benefit from doing the same thing. Facing up to issues is not easy, it can be healing and good therapy.

If you can do this with a trained counsellor that would be better.

Sorry to read of the traumas you have experienced. People here understand such issues. We may not have all experienced the same things, a lot of us do have empathy and understanding for each other.

Hope you feel acknowledged and hope the forum can help you.

Cheers from Dools

[geoff]

Hi Noraenorvas, you know it's quite common that a calm and quiet man felt fury when people praised him, that's exactly how I felt when I was struggling with depression, although I was different to you and didn't say a word, whereas you deal with this differently, none of us can be the same, but I know of people who have reacted like you have.

Some people are unaware that being loved or valued does make them feel angry and annoyed toward the person who is giving the compliment and can trigger negative feelings towards both them as well as yourself.

Anger, pain and depression are three negative experiences that can be joined together, so it can sometimes be hard to know where one ends and the other begins or do they just flow on together, probably the latter.

It does come from the inside and yes it can be fixed and it will change from one situation to another depending on your circumstances.

Geoff.