Navigating others opinions on your breakup

Guest_08434089

Hi guys,

so about nine months ago I broke up with my boyfriend and I guess seven months ago I cut off a friendship with my best friend who was also my boyfriend to give you a time frame. Since then, in most social gatherings I have dealt with people bringing up my ex in a negative light. People will jump to any opportunity to criticise my actions, and my choices or boyfriends and say really cruel stuff about my ex and his personality or his looks. So friends will almost attack me for dating my ex and attack our relationship. A lot of it comes from assumptions as nobody really knew our relationship. At first, I never told anybody about our break up but as soon as I did nine months down the line I am still dealing with a lot of name-calling and negative comments about my ex in our relationship. Although, our relationship wasn’t meant to be - he was still my best friend and I loved him with everything in my heart. I am doing a lot better and I am happier but it’s still really hurts and I’m still mourning the loss of my friendship and relationship. Every few months kind of comes with a new wave of mourning, as more time passes without talking and anniversaries come up. Sometimes, on my close friends on Instagram. I will make silly posts about a photo of us together and then a year later a photo of me in the same place but without him as a way of journaling and conceptualising and moving forward. My friends criticise me for thinking about him or doing that but then bring him up and say really nasty things about him and it doesn’t feel helpful and it just hurts me and I don’t really know what to do or if they have earned the right to do that. Since, they apparently didn’t like him or our relationship this entire time and maybe this is their way of venting-but I’m not really asking for it. And I think I’ve made it clear, that I don’t like it or maybe this is them trying to save me from i’m thinking about it and maybe they just are trying to help me. I don’t really know what I can do or how I can be less hurt by it. Any advice? All I know is I feel cornered and I walk away feeling angry. It doesn’t seem helpful or supportive. Most of my friends don’t even ask if I am ok? They just bash him and then say he’s old news and to move on. I know it’s been awhile, but it still is hard sometimes. Sometimes I get really sad - none of my friends have gone through this. I feel alone. My friend does make jokes about “how lonely” i am. i felt more lonely in that relationship. but i feel alone in what im going through. but i don’t feel lonely that im single? how can i stop them from saying these things about me and him. i loved him. surely that means something?

white knight

Hi, welcome

I have a couple of cousins I dont see often as they are interstate. My mother who tells everyone everything and we've been estranged for 14 years, influences these relatives so some of them including these cousins weigh in on it kind of like her disciples. Fed up with that I sought ideas on how to combat it.

Their mother, my auntie I had a good relationship with, had issues with 5 of her 7 children including those 2 cousins but I never commented. So there was the answer- "I'm sorry Wayne, but I dont believe I've ever commented on your relationship with your mother- is that right". The key to this is not only reversing the situation to make clarity but but the comment is in the form of a question. A question forces them to answer you. That puts the onus on them, where it should be.

Another one is "And how would you feel if I still loved him and we got back together"? Again, a question.

"Are you criticising him because he deserves it or because you are thinking its a way to support me by making me feel better... as I still have love for him it is not making me feel better."

The following thread will make more sense to you

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

One you master it, you will no longer walk away angry because they will feel your wrath in a calm and measured way.

I hope this helped.

TonyWK