My wife wants a break

[S_A_B]

I have been with my wife for 24yrs. She was 16 and myself 19. We have now been married for nearly 14yrs. We have 3 gorgeous children and a beautiful home. She is the love of my life. I still look at her like I first did. Somewhere over the journey we have had up’s and downs more so in the last 5 years. Add a few other events for my wife and she has developed depression like symptoms. She is seeking help which is great and we are talking fine, but she wants a break because she is so unhappy. She needs to work on herself before she can figure out if she wants our marriage or not. She isn’t wanting a divorce, but we are going to separate and I don’t know for how long. It hurts so much because I adore her. I need to make some changes to show her I am still the man she needs and I want to be. Stressful busy lives can interfere with showing your wife how much she means to you. I feel I’ve left it too late? I don’t know how to help or how I can win my wife back?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I believe in 50/50 with everything in a relationship. You seem to be accommodating with her needs but you are effected by her wanting a break away from each other. Therefore my first response is- that you are now commencing a confusing period that also demands help. 

IMO I would if you, seek relationship counselling (visit your GP) and ask her to attend with you. If she refuses, then go alone. This is because your needs are as important to hers. EG you might not like this separation plan of hers when relationship counselling hasnt been attempted? "She isn’t wanting a divorce, but we are going to separate and I don’t know for how long."... it does seem a little odd but I dont want to be judgemental. 

So, self protection from the grief a separation will do, caring for yourself with the family disruption along with one or both of you losing your full time parenthood AND your children losing a full time parent... it all seem to me that counselling should have been considered prior to separation.

TonyWK

[S_A_B]

Thanks mate. She is open to marriage counseling but she says she can’t do that at the moment as she needs to get herself right. Hence why she is seeking professional help. But I don’t know what that will mean. Will this separation go on for months even if we are doing counseling? It’s pretty heartbreaking. I am a very hands on father and I feel I’m not doing that very well at the moment either. 

[white knight]

I'm sorry but I think you understand that her "getting myself right" is the reverse is what is commonly done. Separation means imo that she can only get herself right without your presence... It doesnt show hope for the relationship. So if she "gets herself right" what then?, that she'll move back in and work towards fixing the relationship?

In my experience, rarely does someone return once they have left unless there is compelling reasons. Also its a cruel way to live on your behalf... dangling

Some thoughts that I dont expect you to follow but might give you food for thought-

My father had a line in the sand. If our mother walked beyond the front fence it was over, no going back. That stopped her ever doing so. Then one day she drove him crazy and he told her, "I'm about to walk past the fence, you know what that means". She begged him not to. The fence was the boundary... the clear end. Something you dont have.

As a young 21yo I struck up a relationship with a lady 7 years my senior. She had a young son. For 6 years we were together on average she left me twice a week. Every time it was with me finding a letter on the table "gone back to mums place to live". After 6 years of toil I drew my line. I told her I'd give her 12 months to make a decision to stop this behaviour and marry. So 12 months went by, same routine. Then 12 months came and I asked her if she made her decision to marry or keep leaving me. Her psychiatric issues made her procrastinate. She didnt know. I walked. 4 months later a chance meeting. She told me she was living with a guy. I asked her once question "have you left him any notes to say you are leaving him"?  She went quiet then nodded yes. I told her it was cruel. I had no control. All relationships should have both controlling the situation.

Back to you. I'm searching myself to find some ideas. If she leaves then I presume you will be looking after the kids and working. Have you thought of applying to the family court for sole custody? Based on the fact you'll have the kids, the kids remain stable in the family home etc, she could have them every fortnight? What I'm suggesting here is to consider the possibility of making firm decisions - based on her actions of leaving. It isnt tit for tat, it's you protecting yourself from adverse decision making out of your control.

So, while she is thinking about her separation, you can say to her "to assist you with leaving, perhaps we need to sort out officially that the kids will remain here as I will. As I dont know my and our kids living arrangements we could sort out things at the family court and property division so I know where I stand. I need to know and plan my future not be left in limbo not knowing if you will return, how long that will be and so on. It is you that want out of this relationship by separation and thats your right to choose that but I have a right to a more sound future that I signed up for with you. Now that separation is severing our lives ok, but I am telling you that I will also take action and remember, returning to me might not be an option for you. If that makes you feel uneasy, its how I feel if I just waited and waited and waited. 

I've come up with that as an equaliser that I would do if in your situation. Then after she thinks about that she just might do things the right way like seeking counselling together BEFORE she leaves. If she leaves then a short time later she might think twice if you are going to take the mentioned actions.

There is a saying- you cant have it both ways. She has to learn that you have rights and there is children involved.

thoughts?

TonyWK