My Wife of 23 years is having an affair

[Bagman]

With COVID I was out of work for 6 months. Worrying about money I got a bit snappy and put on some weight (I am never aggressive or shout). I stopped working on projects around the house and watched a lot of TV. I have always been the money maker, the strong one in the team. My wife is included in all our decisions, but I am a strong personality and she generally takes my lead.

About 5 months ago she met an old male school friend (let’s call him B). I did query her when they got together every week and chatted online all the time, but my wife told me B was going through a tough time and she was helping.

3 weeks ago, her behaviour changed. She started to dress sexy going out. With a laugh asked if I should be worried – she smiled and said no. Following my gut, I read her phone while she was in the shower. They talked about the sex, what they would do next week once I was “out of the way” (that hurt), and worse – how much they loved each other. This was not just sex but a romance.

I wrote my wife a letter saying I knew what was going on. Obviously, this was something she felt she needed. It was not my place to tell her what to do but I still loved her very much (and always will), but I did want her to be honest; to know what was going on and where we went from here. I was careful not to lay blame or guilt.

We spoke that night and she told me that what she wanted is US. The last six months had been hard for her. She knew I loved her, but she did not feel desirable. The affair was not planned, and B had said he did not want to come between us. She wanted to fix everything.

But in the 3 days since then I know she has not told him anything. Its ‘all on’ for her though she is now hiding her texting to the bathroom. Her telling me one thing and doing another is what is killing me. I was not sleeping well the last 3 weeks but now I am lucky to get 3 hours a night.
Did I do the right thing? Am I being too understanding or forgiving? If I fight for her will I show her that I love her or push her away? Does she just need a little time – I am not sure how long I can last like this so I thought I would reach out for some help from others. I’m always the one people ask for help and I always turned to her – now I find myself alone.

[Bagman]

Hi all.

I just wanted to thank you to you all for your advice and support. I went to my GP today and they have a psychologist on staff. We had a short chat and have scheduled a proper session for Monday.

My wife still has to decide what she wants, to commit to our marriage or walk away, but for now that is her decision.

I feel better knowing there is help.

Thanks again.

[ecomama]

Dear Bagman

I'm very sorry that your wife decided to betray you by having an affair. It's devastating I know.

100% responsibility on her.

I'm really glad you've found another job WELL DONE YOU!
I'm also glad to hear you saw your GP today and have a referral to a psychologist. Please if this psych puts blame on you then NO, you can walk away and get another psych who has SOME idea of supporting betrayed spouses.

Also a note about the Medicare subsidised sessions - I don't live in Victoria but have 10 sessions.
I think it's a National thing. The first 6 were instant and then my psych wrote a report and we got 4 more.

I've put key words & phrases in italics in case you want to Google these.

What your wife has done is "taken her affair underground". She is continuing her affair right under your nose and you know it. So disrespectful - clearly she has lost respect for you. Taking affairs underground is like a spy movie and for some sick reasons these people seem to enjoy this thrill. Your wife is described as a "cake eater" - meaning she is having her cake and eating it too.

If I remember correctly there are 8 horrible tactics cheaters use including:
- blame shifting (responsibility onto their betrayed spouses and ANYTHING to do with same)
- rug sweeping
- mind effing (yes a psychological term and it's damaging!)
and more..

Cheaters can also stonewall you when you try to ask questions. The ONE thing they ALL have in common is that they lie lie lie.

The circular conversation can drive you nuts if you still think you have a mind left.

I began action the day OF finding out... called Discovery Day or D Day.
I shifted ALL my money to an account in my sole name.
I had my pay and ALL payments going to my sole account only.
I changed ALL passwords on EVERYTHING.

I was not going to "fund" ex affairs one nano second longer.

I did lots and lots...

Anyway you will need some information and lightheartedly given... you can visit chumplady.com where you can see your marriage text book reflected in the stories there.
Chump Lady is AWESOME translating "cheater speak" into plain English with her Universal BS Translater lol (UBT)... have a visit. I could laugh through my tears reading there.

Absolutely agree with anyone who says speak to a Lawyer, but I'd add like yesterday.

I'd get an STI test pronto.

Kindest regards
EM

[Betternow]

Good morning Bagman

Thank for the update. Seeing the GP and arranging an appointment with the psychologist are the first steps for most people in your situation.

It is likely that this won’t be a quick fix. There are two main issues.

One is your emotional health.

Two is sorting out your marriage.

By clearing your head it will help you make decisions in your marriage.

I note you use phrases like My wife still has to decide what she wants ........

This is not a healthy way to think. Don’t allow her to have all power and authority in the marriage. You’re in the marriage too. It’s about you. What do you want?

Good luck on Monday, and again post here as many times as you like for more support.

[Praeteritus_braccas]

Hi Bagman,

Im so sorry that you are going through this.

The advice in the forum here is amazing. I personally cant believe who common the traits are for the spouse who has the affair is and how text book the behaviour is. The advice from Ecomama & everyone else is on point.

Stay strong, reach out to people. In the last few days, quite a few people have reached out to me which I didnt expect and brought me to tears, because i felt so alone.

You are not alone, and, speaking from personal experience, you can be resilient and not become the begger to your wife. I'm going through a similar situation. Like you, this hit me out of nowhere and W is trying lay all blame for her choices at my feet. Its hard not to buy into the lies and manipulation that a cheater tries to put onto you. As the others have said, despite whatever issues your marriage had, your W is accountable for her choice to step outside the marriage. That is not on you.

Keep posting here. I like you am confused, and I dont always know what to do, so the help and advice here is amazing.

I wish you the very best.

P77