My wife has a medical issue which is destroying our sex life...

[vgun3700]

Hi all.
I don't know what to expect by posting this and quite frankly I feel like an idiot.
I just feel the need to talk about this because I can't talk to anybody else.
I am recently married (11 months) and my wife has a medical issue which has destroyed (or never even started) our sex lives.
This prevents us from having sex. We have seen a doctor but there are no solutions.
Her sex drive is limited because she feels inadequate and I get more depressed every time we try and fail to have sex.
It has gotten to the stage that we don't talk anymore. I am constantly down and don't have motivation to go to work or get out of bed.

I know all I'm doing is complaining but this is really hurting me.

It's not at all about the sex. I just want to feel close to her. I want to be able to lay next to her after we make love and cuddle.
I feel like the inability of us to have sex is destroying our love.

Please help...I don't want to leave her I love her so much...

[Jacko777]

Welcome vgun3700,

I'm sorry to hear all this mate, I can see how confusing it is for you right now, I have had a similar situation. Try not to feel like an idiot for talking about it, this is THE place to talk about it and I hope you will get some good support here. I know you can make this situation better and you can both be happier.

Have you considered getting some support from a counsellor? It always helps to get an outside view and professional diagnosis of the situation, to inform a proper path of recovery. It helps me to practice keeping issues separate, trying not to bring emotion from one moment to the next. So there will be times when an issue like sex starts to take over all our moments and it can be hard to shake a negative reaction to a serious issue. We have to do something different to expect a different result, so we find new positive actions, small steps that we can take towards feeling better.

So a great positive is that you love each other. I know it can be really challenging but you can have this love and keep the sex issue separate. Sex is just one part of your life, it doesn't need to take over all the other parts. I presume it's not your fault or your wife's fault that you can't have sex, so you can practice knowing that you are not loved any less just because their is no sex ,i.e. you are still loved! Practice practice practice. You could make times where you can address issues or even time to think to your self, the rest of the time though stay focused on the 'love her so much.' I can understand that you feel hurt vgun, I hope you might get some help to work on how you are feeling, we need to get you motivated again! Don't forget the rest of your self right now, what fires you up brother? What are you passionate about and what are you going to do about it today?  

Keep trying to focus on a positive, it will make you feel better I reckon, refuse to be defined by one negative issue. You can talk here any time vgun3700.   

Jack 

[Paul]

Hey vgun,

Welcome. Issues with sex in a relationship can throw such a blanket over everything. As Jack said, it doesn't have to when you still have such love for each other.

I'm sure you already know that sex and intimacy are very different but closely related. There's so much you share with each other and be intimate without "sex" as such. 

I get the feeling that your wife is just as affected and feeling pretty down as well. Time for a great big hug with an "I love you no matter what"?

I make it sound so easy, but I really understand that it isn't easy at all however, please consider - if you haven't already - that there is so much more to sex and intimacy than the actual act.

Paul

[geoff]

dear Vgun, your post could be one that affects so many marriages and relationships, and it was something which also happened in my marriage.

I would do what ever she wanted, all to no avail, and it did upset me as well, because our intimacy was only occasional, but I still loved her, but it can be a very difficult topic to talk about, because it may end up being an argument, but this only makes the situation worse.

I do understand that she may have a medical problem, and this was something which was never expected and certainly not planned, but even so it may become a sore point for the both of you, so not only are you upset but she is also, but the love you both have can be displayed, but this is something which you need help with, that is by both seeing a psychologist either together and or separately.

I do know how you are feeling and there are times when you want to hold your wife in an intimate way. Geoff.

[vgun3700]

Thank you Jacko777, lats and Geoff.
You have all given me great advice, and I appreciate the time and effort you all have put in to respond to me.

Jacko777, I will take your advice on board. There are many positive aspects to our relationship. She is after all my high school sweet heart, and we were best friends for years before moving into a relationship. I guess what hurts me the most is that I want to feel what everyone else feels after they make love with their S.O. But in many aspects perhaps our bond is stronger than what others have...and I shouldn't bring myself down with all these comparisons.

Lats, thank you for your input. I will try to keep these two factors separate. I know that what you're saying is right...and I will try my best to implement it. I do feel close to her in many other ways. I should focus on the intimacy we have from other things such as dining out together or watching movies together, going for walks etc. She does make me feel very loved and I am blessed to be with her. She is a lot stronger than me in many ways, and sacrifices a lot for me...

Geoff, I'm sorry to hear that you've also suffered. Thank you for sharing this with me. I feel like I'm not as alone anymore. It has helped talking about it with you, and if the way I'm feeling doesn't improve I will definitely take your advice and speak to a professional.

Once again thank you all for your input.
 

[Paul]

vgun3700,

Please keep in mind that there is much more to sex than intercourse. I'm a bit like your wife in that I'm the one who most of the time can't supply enough wood to fuel the fire, so I've learned to adapt and explore a lot. 

Paul