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My son seems to hate us

oldy1
Community Member
we are a pretty close family but my son has decided he doesnt like us any more and even hates us all most of the time he wont talk to us so we get our information (very sporadically) from his wife. We, his mum dad and five brothers sisters and partners  dont know what to do - I  am trying to give him space but honestly I have no idea what I am doing with this. Is there anyone out there who can give me some guidance? I love him dearly and if staying away will help I will do it but its breaking my heart and I am so lost
6 Replies 6

Pixie15
Community Member

Hi oldy1,

It is hard to respond without more details of what caused him to be negative to you all. You really need to know what has made him feel the way he does. It seems extreme to reject the whole family. Does his wife think that he needs support in some way? She is probably best placed to advise you. Peace, Daisy101

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Oldy, Daisy is right, something must have happened for him to change, and depression can do this for him.

How is his wife coping and is he doing the same with her. Geoff.

oldy1
Community Member

I wish there was a moment in time that I could point to but according to his wife this started over a year ago but he has been pretending at family functions. His eldest child had anger issues so was taken to a counselor then he went to same counselor and the whole thing has gone pear shaped since then. I dont know what happened. His wife is doing her best to help him and she said he particularly hates two members of the family but doesnt want to be around any of us. I dont know if we/ I leave him alone for a while if it will help or make him think we really dont care. He is going away with his family on Christmas Day so he doesnt need to see any of us and play pretty for christmas. He told me  a month ago that I could get the kids a gift if I wanted but he wanted nothing to do with christmas. I love him and want to help but I dont know how and I dont want to take a step that pushes him further away. The only change I can think of around 18 months ago my daughters partner arrived from britain and now lives in the city and yes he is one of the 'hated' but he doesnt see them more than perhaps four times in a year. He is still seeing the counselor but this seems to have gotten way out of hand since that started. Any advice you can offer on which is the best way to go??  

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Oldy, thanks for getting back to us.

OK he has spoken to you, so that's a plus, but I tend to worry about his wife as she is caught in between all of this and eventually she will break down herself.

A problem here is that he won't like being asked too many questions, as most depressed people just hate, and some of these questions could be 'why don't you like these two members of the family or what have they done to you', so I gather this could be a reason why he doesn't want to see anyone.

Personally that's why I don't like going to family gatherings, because everybody asks me the same questions, and want to know everything about what I am doing, why do I go to bed at a 'ridiculous' hour, which is early, what is 'Tom **** and Harry' doing.

Most of these questions seem to be caring, but to me they are intrusive, because 90% of these people couldn't have given a damn about me when I was struggling with depression, which now brings me to your part.

Firstly he is going away for xmas as this is deliberate to avoid any contact with the family.

The fact that he has spoken to you, is good, as I see it, so to start with, you could go to his house and give the gifts to his kids, so a repoire has to begin again, so it has to be a connection that is non intrusive, so no hard line questions, I know that you love him and I'm sure the same applies for him, but he has to be treated 'with rubber gloves', otherwise it will be all gone.

I had my sister help me with my depression, or should I say that she attached herself to me, but every time I saw her she kept on asking questions, so now we only talk a few times a year, and yes I do love her, but the inquisition is too much.

I take it that you are his mum. Geoff.

oldy1
Community Member
thanks Geoff for your response, yes I am his Mum and I know he loves me and I am sure he knows I love him too. I have been thinking about cause and the main thing that jumps out is that he put up an awning for me around a year ago with the assistance of the two he 'hates' and he has told his sister (the only one he still has time for) that his father praised the two but didnt thank Him. I can see this a a catalyst although he is wrong but I can see that telling him he is wrong is not going to help. I will of course be getting the kids xmas gifts as I always have but I dont think I can see him without crying at the moment because if I think about him at all I cry and I know that wont help him either so I thought perhaps I should just drop the pressies off when he isnt home and that way he isnt being confronted by me but I am so lost with this I just dont know what to do. I thank you Geoff for your time since I dont talk to anyone I have always bottled up and no-one sees me cry so you are a great release to me and I know thats selfish but thankyou anyway.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Oldy, thanks for getting back.

I can well and truly appreciate your sons feeling which brings me to how has the relationship between your husband and son been over the past, and any cause for resentment, as it's sticking out a mile.

I wouldn't even try to tell him as this would put a wedge between the two of you.

I know that you are upset, however when you want to drop off the presents when he's not home, well there are two sides to this, and forgive me, but to show him that you love and care for him is probably better than to put it off.

The visit can be very brief or you could have a short play with the kids, because what I am worried about is for him to think that' not even mum cares for me', just saying. L Geoff. x