My mum is preparing to divorce my verbally abusive dad

[parrotdogcat]

I’m 19 and after years of witnessing my dad verbally and emotionally abuse my mum, she has finally agreed to start the process of divorce. I’m just looking for some support and advice. I’m just worried that my dad will get more violent when she files the divorce and that he won’t stop harassing us. I’m also worried about him breaking all our things before property and items can be divided. I’m so glad that my mum is finally ready to take this step but I’m just afraid of how bad it’s going to get before we can leave.

[ecomama]

Hey PDC, welcome to the forums. 

I'm sorry to hear about all the abuse your mum has suffered from and all the abuse you've witnessed also. 
This alone can be alot to recover from, I'm really glad you've joined this safe space for support! 

You're such a WISE young person! 
Your instincts are spot on. Usually an abusive partner will escalate in their behaviours when the other partner announces they're leaving. 

My BEST Advice is for you to call the Police immediately if it does. 

Don't hesitate, just call them. 

You can always remove some precious things of yours to store away at other people's houses, as long as you trust them to look after these things. 
Important paperwork like you Birth Certificate, Passports, a hard drive of your back up of Home Computers, stuff like that will be better stored safely. 
(I stored lots of stuff like this in my filing cabinet at work which I could lock). 

I'm grateful you are 19 and won't have to be involved in the Family Law case ie spending time at both houses. 
Being over 18yo, you have more freedom to make choices if they're offered. 

Best wishes and we'll be thinking of you
Love EM

[Sophie_M]

Hey parrotdogcat,

Thank you so much for your openness and strength in sharing this here. It sounds like there is a lot going on, and we’re really glad you could reach out to the forums. ecomama is right, you sound like a wonderful young person. 🙂

We just wanted to pop in and let you know you could reach out to 1800RESPECT to get support with this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 and they also have webchat here. They are experts in supporting people who are experiencing abuse and will listen in a kind, understanding and non-judgmental way. They also have some really good information on safety planning: thinking about things you can do to be safer while you and your mum prepare for the next step she is preparing for. As ecomama has said, if at any point you are in danger, 000 is the number to call.

It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here. We'd also recommend checking out Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse.

As the lovely ecomama's lovely post shows, we are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you for starting this discussion.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Bob_22]

Hi parrotdogcat!

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out. It is amazing that you've taken the initiative to come here for some advice and support. In addition to the resources that Sophie M has pointed out I'd also like to mention Kids Helpline which is another great resource for young people who's parents may be divorcing. They only have some general info on their site but are always available for web chat or call via 1800 55 1800: https://kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/when-parents-separate-or-divorce

headspace is another great point of call if you're looking for someone to chat with and they also usually have social workers on hand who might be able provide some further insight as well. 

I haven't been through a parental separation fortunately but my stepsister has. From her experience, she seemed to find it best to simply support/encourage her mum in her actions and live with her during the proceedings. She also found it best to limit her contact with her dad both during and after the separation so to make the transition easier. Divorce is always messy and rarely amicable but it doesn't have to be stressful. If you can keep up your social activity with your friends and other family members that would be great as it is very important. And as ecomama said, don't be afraid to call emergency services if at any point things escalate to the point of vandalism or violence.

I hope you can find some support here on these forums and please feel free to update us on how you're going. 💙

Bob

[Forrest]

I'm so glad this info was shared, I've had acquaintances in situations where violence is feared and it's so important to get yourself safe BEFORE anything happens, and for breakups of this nature to be done in the least vulnerable way possible. One person I knew was afraid to go home (but I was unable to accommodate them that night because of my own situation) and I begged them; if you're genuinely concerned about going home then don't. Go to the police station instead and tell them you're afraid to go home and explain why. That was a catalyst for them to find relatives to stay with that night and get a VRO on their partner BEFORE anything happened, rather than just waiting for the bad thing to happen and then reporting it. I don't necessarily have the knowledge to give legal advice about this but I'm glad there are services mentioned that probably can.

[geoff]

Hello parrotdogcat, I am very sorry you and your mum have to experience this type of trearment from your father, it is really unexceptable as well as frightening and you truly don't know what may happen next.

I would ask your mum to remove all her precious items, giving him the excuse that she doesn't want them broken, he may say 'they won't', but you never know and remove them to another place, family or friend's place.

As mentioned the police need to know what's been happening and although they probably can't do anything, unless it has, then she can fill out a statement form which will be kept at the station.

I would ask your mum after she has removed what she wants, and this can be done in a couple of hours, while he's not at home, to move out and perhaps you can go with her, so when he returns home what she wants isn't there, nor is she, but she has to change her mobile number and be somewhere he doesn't suspect and only tell people she honestly trusts.

If he doesn't want to sign the divorce papers doesn't matter, it can still go through and if by any chance you want to see him, don't let your mobile phone not be on you, so he can't check out any phone numbers, or just memorise her number and not have it on your phone and delete any calls made to her.

Her secrecy is so important for her safety and to just reiterate if I can, have everything ready for a quick removal, the quicker the better.

Please keep in touch with us as there might be more questions you want to ask.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Guest_55203021]

Im in a very similar situation to you except that I am 18 and my mum hasn't agreed yet, recently she seemed like she was considering it until this morning saying that she owes him another chance to understand what he is doing is unacceptable but he wont, and Im really scared that she wont progress past this, I am the only person who knows and i cant tell her parents because she asked me not too. I am really sorry for trauma dumping on you when you are clearly going through a stressful time as well but I am just wondering if there was anything you said that seemed to really get through to your mother, I dont know what to do anymore, and I cant afford to move out yet.