My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

[agnus]

I have never posted online before, but I have no one to talk to about this and it is tearing me apart inside. My husband has had an internet pornography addiction for 17 years, each time I have confronted him with this he has promised to never do it again, only to do it again. He has been to numerous counsellors over the years each time telling me hes fixed and no longer addicted. yet here I am again, this time i found by accident a usb full of photoshopped images of myself and my sister, he has placed our faces into degrading and violent pornography and saved them onto usb's . I dont know where to turn I feel so betrayed.

[White_Rose]

Hello Agnus

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you have been put through such a degrading experience. Talking to people here who have your well-being at heart may help you.

I am most interested in your husband's assertion. he told me that the counsellor understands it is just his way of dealing with anger ,jealousy , self esteem issues etc. I find that difficult to believe. Frankly I suspect your husband has twisted the actual words to his meaning. No trained counsellor would make these statements and I wonder who he is seeing and how they are qualified. These days it seems anyone can put out their shingle and claim to be a therapist of some sort. (No I'm not biased)

Can you arrange some counselling for yourself? I think it would help you in several ways. One to decide if you want to stay with this man and to learn to manage the emotions this has so rightly stirred up in you. Not an easy way to live at the moment and to consider your options. It seems the longer it drags on the more hurt you will become. That's definitely not good. Perhaps try Relationships Australia if there is a branch near you. Very low cost.

Do you have any children? I would be worried if they saw this stuff. Can you talk to your sister? I think you need some support on the ground so to speak. If you want to talk to someone who does not know you then try the Beyond Blue helpline, 1300 22 4636. It's open 24/7. It's quite likely they will have other information to give you.

What would I do? Find out his quals and check up on him. Try the Australian Register of Counsellors and Psychotherapists. Or just check if he has a registration with ARCP which is probably the easiest.

But your fight is not really with the counsellor it is with your husband. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has, as you say, betrayed you in such a dreadful manner? I understand how hard it would be to leave the marriage but if you gain some peace of mind it could well be worth it. I left my husband 17 years ago though not for the same reason. I am happier on my own. This does not mean you will feel the same, just an option for you to consider.

Keep talking to us as I think it will help.

Mary

[Guest_128]

Hey Agnus,

It sure is overwhelming for you,

I want to make clear that we are all with you and we want to help you with this.

When you are ready it's your time to ask any questions or just to say what you want and need. You don't have to answer everyone,they are just hurting for you and want to help.

I will send you a hug but that's just a bit to much yet.

Dory

[geoff]

hi Angus, I can only agree with what has been said, and definitely agree that he may have twisted the words just to make him feel as though there's nothing wrong with doing this, however it's not what he should be doing, he is addicted to pornography and has been for 17 years.
I don't think he's ever going to change and do wonder whether this marriage is worth all of this hardship.
You're not sure what else he maybe up to behind your back and that's a worry. Geoff.

[Guest_128]

Hi Agnus,

Are you ok? I would like to know that your ok?

Dory

[White_Rose]

Hello Agnus

I haven't seen you around for a few days. How are you going? Have you arranged any counselling for yourself. You have been so traumatised by your husband that it will take a while to get over it. Having the help of someone trained in helping people can help you reduce the impact on you.

Have you come to any conclusions on whether or not to stay with your husband? I think this is the burning issue and again I believe a good counsellor or psychologist will be able to help. Psychologists can be expensive as Medicare does not generally pay rebates on these fees. However there is a program where Medicare pay a chunk of the fee.

Talk to your GP about getting a mental health plan. This gives you a total of ten visits to a psychologist which are subsidised by Medicare. You do need to talk to your GP about it and get the plan written up. If you have private medical insurance you can check if it will pay towards psychologists fees. It depends on your cover. Go for the mental health plan first as it gives a better rebate the private insurance.

I would like to know how you are going.

Mary

[agnus]

Now my husband tells me "the only thing I need to know regarding him is that he's sorry and he loves me" He also tells me that none of those images were directed at me and that they were not me.

I'm confused to say the least , how can all of those images not be directed at me or in fact have anything to do with me when my face is photoshopped onto these women's bodies. And why photoshop my face into violent pornography and then try and tell me it's got nothing to do with me or about me in anyway ?

[agnus]

I discovered this pornography 3 weeks before my mother passed away, and he's telling me to forget about it and grieve my mother instead, how can I grieve my mother passing away when I was already in shock at what he was doing with my face 3 weeks before she died ?

[Guest_128]

Hey Agnus,

i am really worried about you. Can you go somewhere safe for a bit while you work all this shocking mess out. What about your sister,can you go there?

Dory

[agnus]

My sister doesn't know about this or the photos he has made of her, and given that mum just passed away there is no way I would add to her stress or sadness, also we don't have a very close relationship . Our three adult children still live at home so there is always someone around I don't think he would physically hurt me.

[Guest_128]

Thankyou for letting us know you are safe,

Is there anyone you can talk to,

Your children must know that your upset and something is going on.

Agnus, this is really bad.

I even think what he has done might be illegal.

We need to help you, you are a human being and should not be treated like this.

maybe tell us a little about you,what do you like in life,hobbies,animals etc

Do you want to separate? How could that take place?

Dory