My husband of 14 years is alcohol dependant

Empathic · ‎14-08-2017

My husband of 14 years is alcohol dependant. While he doesn't hide bottles around the place he simply cannot function socially without drinking and I'm well and truly over it. Over the past 12mths it has gotten to the point where it is taking a huge toll on our marriage. He works overseas and every 7 days has a 24hr break. This break is used to drink as much as he possibly can then passing out. Every stop on his flights to and from work are spent in the terminal bars drinking and at home he typically has a few beers at night and when we go out he literally guzzles as many jack daniels as he can along with shots and anything else hes offered. If we have friends over out comes the grog and he pushes everyone to drink with him. Although he is a happy drunk, he is annoying because when drunk he repeats himself and waffles garbage. If the two of us have a night away together theres always a stop at a bottleshop to get beer which are downed as soon as we arrive at the hotel, then as many as he can fit in if we go out plus nightcaps. It has gotten to the stage where I am being neglected in favour of him going out drinking. If out he will simply forget I am there and if I tell him its time to go he always says "one more after this" which usually means 3 or 4. We live on a small farm and when he is home he does nothing but drink, eat and fall asleep at all hours of the day. Recently I became suspicious as his neglect became worse and he is getting very snappy with me. I noticed him constantly on facebook so while he was out I looked. He had been messaging a woman he knew years ago and while there was nothing sexual, a couple of his replies to her overstepped the line. For her part she said nothing untoward but it hurt. I confronted him and got a pack of rubbish. Materially I want for nothing and he is very generous financially with gifts and money, but I feel its simply to keep me in my box so he can go out drinking. Just before he went back to work we had a huge blowup and I'm left feeling angry and stressed. I really don't know what to do!

Evilnut · ‎14-08-2017

Hi empathic,s I am evilnut Wayne I am not to evil just sugar free evil. I feel for you I was in a marriage that was not a happy place for myself or the children who are grown up now 37 & 33 but I though it was what I was had to do. Work 6_7 days a week shift work so on you how it goes the detail are not worth talking about weather bit alcohol , drugs , etc you have been very brave to take the first step to happiness asking for help you have come to the right place for that. Just join in talk on the forum's that you think maybe helpful or will make you smile. I have been surprised by the giving of hint tip and empathy I have got in a short time I have had a secret for 49 years that was waiting for me to get the strength to report it. So don't feel hopeless you are not nobody is your in the right place to get back to happiness live to more about your journey in the future.

Cheers from now the evilnut Wayne.

blondguy · ‎14-08-2017

Hello Empathic

Wayne (evilnut) has welcomed you above with his post and his personal experience too...

Im sorry that you have boxed into a 'corner' with the alcohol as a catalyst. That is heartbreaking.

I have had depression for over 20 years and medicated. Alcohol can be the same as a guy that is addicted to the pokies and will invent any reason or excuse to justify it.

I understand fully that you want for nothing as your husband is a good provider........Just my opinion if thats okay....I find it difficult to comprehend that he has the time to get on Facebook and speak to anyone let alone a person he used to know with such little time at home..

You mentioned your husbands' work schedule....and its a hefty one. This is no excuse for being alcohol dependent in any way. Its a huge sign that he may (as per what you mentioned) be self medicating through career stress...obligations....targets..performance issues...the list is endless

If I may ask you Empathic....would your husband attend a joint visit with your GP or Counselor? I have no doubt he is a good husband. If he refuses to accompany you to your GP then you will know there are some serious issues

Thankyou for taking the time and having the strength to have reached out as well as you have.

There are many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you Empathic. The forums are also a non judgemental place for you too. I hope you can stick around the forums 🙂

my kind thoughts for you (I hope tomorrow is a better day for you)

Paul

geoff · ‎15-08-2017

hello Empathic, this is a situation that you wished was never going on, unfortunately it is as he's addicted to the alcohol and feels that he must have it so it means he's an alcoholic, I don't have any fear in saying that, simply because I was one myself when I was in depression, now I'm only a social drinker for two reasons, I don't want to drink all day and secondly I can't have too much otherwise I will have a seizure, and that's certainly not anything I would want to happen again.
There are two issues here as you know, the grog and this other female on facebook, who I would think he would be contacting after he's had a good share of alcohol, so the chances of embarrassing himself could well happen, especially if his head isn't clear, however it's still not acceptable.
The ideal solution would be for him to stop both, but sorry this probably won't happen as he will justify drinking because he works o/s and only has one day off, but you're not sure what happens when he's o/s, in other words he couldn't go a day without alcohol or even using communication with this other person.
It mustn't be a pleasant situation for yourself which I'm deeply sorry for, but for him to agree to stop or say why he needs to drink copious amounts of alcohol isn't going to be easy, except for 'he works 6 days a week'.
Are you able to see your GP, I know you live on a small farm, so I hope this is possible, but as you say it's taking a huge toll on your marriage, and my suggestion is to sell up and go your separate ways, and I say this because that's what my ex-wife did and I have to be honest with you. Geoff.

Empathic · ‎15-08-2017

Thank you all for your helpful replies. At this stage he is very sorry, loves me very much and will do anything to make the marriage work. If this was the first time this has happened I'd take his word, calm down and work with him but it isn't - its the 3rd time. I'm worried I'll just be taken for a mug, things will tick along for a few years and then it'll all go back to this again. I fully believe he has been unfaithful in the past but unsure about recently. I stupidly allowed myself to trust him again after walking outside at a party one night to find him and my boss's wife up against the wall, lips locked and hands all over each other. Now I think I was stupid to have stayed. I'm so conflicted as we've made a lot of happy memories and there have been good times but his alcohol addiction and depression are turning him into a fat selfish pig. He can be a good person and thats the one I love, not the one he's become.

geoff · ‎15-08-2017

hi Empathic, thanks for your reply, but if this is his 3rd time then it is time to leave the marriage.
It reminds me of someone who abuses his wife, time after time, the wife always believes it will stop, especially when he brings home chocolates, flowers and promises her it won't happen again, so she believes everything he says until a few weeks later it all happens again, he is unable to change and unable to keep his promise.
If you believe that he has been unfaithful, you might be right, and to see him and his boss's wife must prove this, and you have to remember that sometimes the person you love does change, but you can't hang onto a love that existed 14 years ago, I sometimes struggle with this myself and my ex, but we could never live together, and the more you struggle in believing he will change is only going to cause you more problems, that's why you need to cut the cord and go your own way.
Don't be confused if he promises you he will change, he's done that before and it's never happened and it won't happen again ever, that doesn't mean you may not love him anymore, I'm sure you do, just as I love my ex, but she only cares about me, there is a big difference between these.
I'm about to log off but I have written your name down and hope to hear back from you.
It's a big decision for you but at the moment all of this is causing so much stress for you, and that's not we want. Geoff.

Empathic · ‎15-08-2017

Thank you geoff. Its a tough choice and one I know I need to make. The thought of going it alone at my age scares the daylights out of me but I know I'm worth more than this.

blondguy · ‎16-08-2017

Hi Empathic

Thankyou for posting back. It can be difficult which direction to turn in your situation especially as you are the in the middle of it.

I understand that you dont like what he has become as a result of his alcohol issues. What are your thoughts about having a joint session with either your GP or a counselor? If your husband agrees to go then he will have a chance to show you that he serious about his role as a husband.

It is difficult for us to say what will transpire in the future but I do that you may have some joy where the health of your relationship is concerned if your husband can see the benefits of an impartial third party involved.

I just feel you have a lot to gain and nothing to lose by doing so

Thankyou again for part of the forum family Empathic

my kind thoughts

Paul

geoff · ‎17-08-2017

hi Empathic, that's always a scary feeling knowing that it maybe too late to make a decision as important as this, but remember it's a thought that you've never had to consider before.
It was for me, I was 48 and as much as I didn't want to, it was the best decision, contrary to how I thought I would feel because my life did a complete circle and I still keep in contact with my ex but know that we couldn't live together again, because it would happen over again. Geoff.

Croix · ‎21-10-2017

Dear Empathic~

I'm replying to your question in your new thread of 21 October, having read your threads dated 25 Sept and 7 Oct as well.

I'm afraid I'm not in the least surprised you are in a no-trust mode. The long term deception that has been placed on you is not something that can be easily ignored. Your husband's addiction to alcohol, pills and porn all together have created a situation that is bound to breed distrust and lack of faith. The fact you are dealing with his addictive behavior makes it worse as it would not be easy or quick for him to recover.

If he was prone to having real-life affairs you might not be able to check up on him, but computer related activities would seem to be easy to monitor and it is very natural for you to try to see what is happening.

Frankly I'm not sure where you go from here other than to assure you your actions are not obsessive, but a response to a deep and continuing threat. Having said that I don't think it is doing you any good to have this top of your mind all the time, come to that your checks do not allow for another devices used to go to fresh sites, so your actions may not be effective anyway, particularly as your husband will not doubt be aware of your monitoring.

An additional factor is that for many seeing the content of porn sites can reduce self-esteem when confronted with the unrealistic images they contain. Constant checking might not be the best for you as a result.

I suppose ideally resigning yourself to the possibility there can be ups and downs and relapses for any of those three addictions would be the ideal way to think about things. That plus having plans at to what to do if such matters did come to notice again. I'm well aware it is no easy thing to reach that more detached state, however it might be something to work towards as I believe it will make you less wrung out in the long term.

Perhaps whenever you get the urge to search you deliberately try to distract yourself with other matters. I don't know what, maybe go for a walk, do some exercise, read a book or watch a movie? You would of course know what might work best for you

Croix