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We both have mental health issues, I love him, but I think it might be time to leave. How do I decide?

Community Member

I am in my first relationship, 3 years in. I never expected to settle down so quickly, but my partner and I really entangled ourselves in one another quite quickly. We made a series of decisions that I think put a lot of pressure on our relationship, such as moving interstate without us having any friends/family there, within the first 3 months of our relationship. I have a history of anxiety and depression, and now he has started treatment for the same. At first when he was diagnosed, it was a relief because I felt validated that some of my doubts and insecurities might be justified. However as many of you would know it is really only the beginning of the journey. I am only 23 while he is 37, and I must say that I am really struggling to keep supporting him when all I want to do is live a happy, adventurous and sexual life, while he is struggling to do any of these things. Commitment means an awful lot to me, and I do love him so much, but more and more I get the feeling that if I stay in the relationship I may feel resentful down the track.
I am so confused about what to do. I love him, and wish I could be all the things I said I would - a life partner, and eventually hopefully a mother to his children, but I feel so exhausted and emotional and am honestly unsure of how much longer I can do this for.
But because I love him so much & we've worked really hard so far, I don't know if I'm ready to give it all up.
Ive loved our lifestyles that we built up together, but I get so obsessed with all the aspects of our relationship that I feel insecure about, making it hard to stay positive. It's all just really taxing.
Any advice? Do I stick it out, or cut ties? I am so afraid of the consequences of either of these options.

Ialso want to add that he does care, and does go out of his way to show his love but obviously it isn't all that consistent. He is never mean, and I will concede that I am sure I am inconsistent as well. If we can work through these issues we have a lot of things to look forward to, together. If.

I do see a counsellor, but I guess I don't have much immediate support around me. We have great friends but we met most of them together, so it can be hard to talk to them about these personal issues. Reading the forums on beyondblue have calmed many of my late night anxiety attacks as I no longer feel so alone.

Thanks so much all.

3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Jalapeno, thanks for posting your comment.
Before I say too much I want to say that all r/ships and even marriages have their up's and down periods, but trust, commitment, agreements that should be followed through as promised keep a r/ship happy and surviving.
There is nothing wrong with having different opinions, I don't think you'll find anybody who totally agrees with eachother, fights and disagreements can be fun making up, if this doesn't happen it starts to build a barrier between the two of you but remember there has to be some 'give and take' where one of you has to give in.
These are what can happen in a r/ship, if this can't happen or an amicable solution be resolved then the r/ship will struggle along.
There were many things my wife (ex) and I disagreed with, in the early days there was no problem, later on one had to hold their breath and just go along with it, however this will differ from couple to couple, but if nothing can be accepted then move on.
I would like to see you both continue with your counselling before a decision is made, but in the meantime cut down your interaction, move away from eachother and see how it pans out. Geoff.

Community Member

Thanks for the reply Geoff.

I think you are right in saying to continue counselling before making any big decisions. At the moment it would feel premature, and neither of us are in a space at the moment where we can define, let alone effectively communicate what we want. We aren't living apart but rather focussing on the things that we enjoy doing together, and separately, and doing those.

I still have a lot of doubts and feel a lot of unresolved hurt, but I can only hope that, best case scenario, given time, counselling & eventually good communication of deep issues we will be back on track.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

hi Jalapeno, we all wish there was a magic wand to cure all, hopefully one day in the future this will happen, but it may not be resolved straight away so take your time and only progress at the what you are ready for, if it's rushed then it won't work.

I really hope it does for you. Geoff.