My Girlfriend Sleeps With Another Man

[TFiend]

My girlfriend has father issue, please keep in mind she's a victim also. Her father kept cheating on her mother, hit her and I can tell that she's always looking for a father figure in her relationship. To be exact, she's looking for rich and powerful men. Man who can give her material wise and stamp the bright future on her forehead. I believe she's never realized it, but everyone around her can see her needs, her craving for that. She even had an affair with her principal when she's in senior high. Now we're in relationship for 2 years and, yeah, she's getting much better since she's with me (her brother said it to me). She's 24 right now and I'm 29.

The problem is, I'm far from the figure of a father she always wanted. And I worked so hard to be the best for her, I did everything I could to give her what she needs, to make her happy. And now we're in LDR, she takes her master study abroad and unfortunately she met this 55 y/o guy who appeared like a prince charming on a white horse in her eyes. She came honest with me that they already had sex.

I feel powerless, humiliated, small and no use to live. Worst than someone spits on your face.

Please help me I' m so depressed right now, I know her so well and she did that because of the issue she has. We were happy and very loyal to each other. Please help me, I love her so much.

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[AGrace]

Hi TFiend,

Welcome to the forums, and sorry to hear of the issues you are having with your relationship.

I understand your girlfriend's desire for a father figure. My father was exactly the same, and for me I wanted a replacement father since I was 6 years old. I don't so much seek out the materialistic elements, but I've always needed to know that my partner loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their lives with me. I needed to be able to prove that relationships could last.

In my efforts I got the exact opposite. Every partner I had left me, until I met  a guy who was abusive. He never wanted to leave, thankfully after 10 years I found the courage to do so. I have since been with my current partner for just about 5 years.

With all of this in mind, there is still no excuse for your partner to be cheating. Cheating is about so many things, abuse of trust, selfishness, control, inability to commit, disrespect and so on. Cheating is never about the victim. Remember this, your girlfriend didn't choose to cheat because of your worth. You actually had nothng to do with her decision, and sadly you probably never even entered her mind when she made the choice.

I understand that this has taken an enormous hit on your confidence, self worth, and self esteem. It's usually because of this that we start to make up excuses for the person's choice. I know you feel like you just don't want to be without her, and that you guys can work things out. This is entirely up to you. I will however ask you, what professional care is your girlfriend receiving to ensure that this kind of behaviour doesn't happen?

I have always known, since my father, that I would never reconcile with a cheating partner. I feel you can forgive, you can try to forget, you can allow them to try to make up for it, but their will always be 3 things missing from the relationship, that I know I can't go without: trust, loyalty, and respect.

There are still plenty of reasons to live, so please reach out for help if you are having suicidal thoughts. You will need the opportunity to grieve, and time. It might also be worthwhile chatting with your GP and maybe getting a referral to a Psychologist/Counsellor even to just do some work on rebuilding your self worth&esteem.

I hope to hear back from you.

AGrace

[Jacko777]

As AGrace says.

Your GFs actions are a reflection of her, not you. Have you approached her about getting help?

[TFiend]

Thank you for the replies, I really really need a feedback right now since I can't share it to anyone, and the lonely thoughts are just so cruel, they exaggerate things much worst than reality. Please kindly allow me to say a few things.

First thing first, it's actually just a trigger for my close-to-craziness thought. Well, I'm broke, my degree was hampered and now I'm 29 and still on the third semester for my law degree. I work from before lights until the day it's dark, don't ask how much I make, I can barely eat a day. And I'm clueless what have I done wrong?

Secondly and also the last one, my 4 years ex did the exact same thing to me. The sole difference is, the guy she cheated with is in her age range, not some grandpa dude.

And now I can't help but believe that I have no worth for anyone. I mean, c'mon, is there any people out there who want to make a connection with a person who has life that sucks? And the whole things above just drive me to be a loner. And yes, Jacko777, I suggested her to go to therapy for her issues, and she just "oh c'mon, that was just a mistake I made. Everyone made mistakes" (referring to the affair she had).

I can help but believe as well, that it has something to do with me. I'm the one who sucks, I did everything I can, and I fail. I made her porridge when she was sick, I took her sick dog to the vet at 1 AM and my bike just broke down on my way home, I took her to administer her visa although I was very sick and I scratched her dad's car because of it and he just called me a poor moron. It was me all the time.

Sorry I sounded very weak. I am right now. I just feel the urge to pour it all out. I don't have the alpha in me. I definitely can't lead anything.

You are the strong woman, Grace, you can make it through. I don't have any confidence to believe I can be as strong as you.

Thank you for the warm responses.

[Jacko777]

I am glad you are talking about this TFiend, you will find people on here that have a great understanding of what you are going through, people that care about what happens to you. In time you will benefit from the challenges you are facing, you will get through this.

You sound like a very caring individual TFiend. You have some issues to attend to, a councellor could help greatly. When I am having relationship issues I constantly have to remind myself of who I am...who I would be if I was not in a relationship. It helps me to remember what is important to me, where i should be spending my time and thought. Life is challenging and I make sure i take TIME OUT every day to clear my mind and have happy calm thoughts.

You deserve respect TFiend. Don't forget you can get immediate help on this site.

[geoff]

dear TFiend, this is a situation which does not prove that you are weak, far from it, and whether she is looking for a 'father figure' may not be so, and I tend to believe that she is after any male that has money, young or old.

It may appear that she wants an elderly gentleman, someone who has built up a nest egg, with plenty of money, properties, as well as contacts with other wealthy men, so she can move from one to another.

This may sound as though I am being cruel, but I have known ( not personally myself) other ladies who have done exactly the same, enticing wealthy men into the hope of dangling the golden egg in exchange for services rendered.

You are too good for her, and I know that you love her so much, but she can never be trusted in what she has to say, or at least where she has been and who she has visited, because what ever she says will be something that she wants to tell you, and will depend on your mood.

I don't believe that she is the one to settle down with, as she will disappear at the drop of a hat when a rich man turns up again.

Maybe I am being too hard but I have seen this before, leaving a trail of people who love her.

Geoff.

[TFiend]

It's okay, Geoff, thank you indeed. Maybe a little slap will wakes me up.
I don't know what I should tell myself. The mini-me at my left ear tells me to get rid of this miserable sense and walk away with my head held high. It tells me that the journey will get better. But the other one tells me to hold my end. It says that I have to fight for her once again. I can hear it whispers "what a man am I if I walk away when the person I care most needs help?"

EVERYTIME I try to do something I can't clear it from my head, and it's

killing me. What should I do? What did you do if you were me? I tried to make a bond with the guitar, piano, compose songs but it got worse. I tried to finish my book but I just can wrote methods for vengeance! My scumbag brain just doesn't want to cooperate. And I don't know if this hole in my chest could be fixed or not. The iceberg that hit me just too big, and twice. I don't know if it's a form of appreciation or a stupidity to have your SO's name tattooed on your skin. Because her name is engraved on mine and now I just feel numb about it. 

It's funny huh, when we remember our childhood dreams? We wanted to be an astronauts, doctors, superstars, to perform on the same stage with Kirk Hammett and whatsoever. Now I just want the ability to make my loved ones happy. To provide them with what they need. Now I can't even fulfill my own. My

dad had passed away and I'm the oldest male in the family, I realize that one day it's me who will walk my little sister through the aisle. I just want her proudly holding my arm by then and right now I'm scattered on the seabed. 

I feel sick.

[Jacko777]

Hang in there TFiend. If i was you I would need to separate. I could not imagine ever being able to trust her again and I am not sure that I could forgive her for the broken promises and lack of respect. She might need help but that doesn't mean she will take help and act upon it. Maybe she is not exactly the person that you thought she was when you got together. 

If you can't clear your head, try mediating or exercising and don't forget the support line if you need to talk to someone. Try not to be hard on yourself TFiend, from what you have said I think you have tried to fix this situation and I am not surprised that you are stuck thinking about what she has done. 

Tattoos can be covered up, you can move on from this, it will get much better. 

[geoff]

dear TFiend, I could think of nothing worse than what she did, so I can well and truly understand how you are feeling, but I agree with Jacko ' imagine ever being able to trust her again and I am not sure that I could forgive her for the broken promises and lack of respect', and there are two reasons involved in this statement.

Try and look at it this way, you can't be strung along by her emotional side, because she uses this to get what she wants, and then takes advantage of the situation, but when something goes wrong then falls back onto the people who she knows will be there, but then the whole process starts again when it's available.

I am just wondering whether you have considered hypnotherapy, and if you want to try it then there are certain things that you need to do before hand.

Tattoos can be lasered out, but please I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[TFiend]

yeah Jacko, maybe I'd seen her in a very different perspective. I know what I'm going to do. I'll do it for myself, not for some other people. I will definitely get my revenge. I still don't know whether it will be a sweet revenge or not. But definitely I will show her that I'm not the same pathetic person.

And Geoff, if I at one point want to try hypnotherapy, what are certain things that i need to do before?

And about the tattoo, I will keep it to remind me all of the pains I've been going through.