My fiancé is a compulsive liar and has a lot of addictions. This is putting a strain on our relationship, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

[AngelicDevil]

Hi all,

I would like some advice as to what I should do. My fiancé and I’ve been together since 2018. We’re getting married in 2020. We love each other a lot, and consider each other as soulmates. However, in the last 4 months, our relationship has become rocky, and we’re fighting a lot.
To start off, my fiancé was addicted to drugs before I met him. He told me about it, and I thought I had nothing to worry about as he seemed to have recovered. We had a very bad argument beginning of 2019, and he took drugs out of spite. When I found out, I was ready to walk out, but he pleaded me to stay and that it wouldn’t happen again. Things were fine for awhile, and then I found out he was back at it again. This happened thrice since we were together, and I have lost trust in him. He lied to me about where he was and where his money went. In addition to that, our intimacy has changed, we used to have sex 2-3 times a week. Now, we don’t have sex for 2-3 weeks and whenever I initiate it, he always say later. I’ve approached him about this, because I feel unwanted and lonely and I feel like he doesn’t love me as much anymore. However, he assured me that it was his own problem, and has nothing to do with me. The problem here is he has a porn addiction and in the beginning I myself watched porn and thought it was okay and normal. However, since we started having intimacy issues, I’ve started disliking his porn usage and have talked to him about it. That maybe Porn was one of the reasons he doesn’t want to have sex with me, and maybe it desensitized him to normal sex. I asked him to stop watching for sometime, till we fix our issues, and then he can go on about it. He would agree and would stay off it for a week or two, but then would get back on it. He would lie to me and swear on my life that he hasn’t watched porn at all or downloaded porn. Usually I have a gut instinct when I know he’s lying, and it has made me snoop into his phones and laptop (drugs & Porn mainly). I was never like this, and I hate doing this. Nowadays, he even deletes everything and purposely deceive me that he is not watching porn and working on our relationship issues. After being lied to week after week these last 4 months, I don’t know how to trust him at all, especially with a history of lying about drugs. I have talked about walking out but could never do it because I love and care for him a lot and truly believe we’re meant to be together. This has just become a vicious circle, never ending.

[Croix]

Dear AngelicDevil~

Welcome to the Forum, I think if you look around you will find many who have faced similar problems, partners with drugs, or porn, or drink.

I would think that in any long term relationship two people need to have such care for the other, they would not want them to suffer, quite the reverse, they would try to make their lives as good as possible. This means trust -on both sides. To be with someone you can rely upon , not only for trivial everyday things, but for more major things too.

Sadly you have talked of trust being eroded, taking drugs is, all by itself, is a very hard thing to overcome, and to deny there is a problem makes hope of a cure unlikely. Porn can be another addiction, and once again, admitting there is a problem is a first step. Unfortunately, rather than admitting problems, your fiancé has now gone the extra step of covering his tracks.

Additionally you may be right, his porn usage has desensitized him so normal sex is no longer appealing. I guess porn is all fantasy and made up just of images, not real contact and affection. I would however suggest he has a medical checkup just in case there is a physical cause. Either way you are starting to feel unwanted and lonely, and a person that genuinely cares would see that and try make you feel better.

I know you love and believe you should be together, however now before making the commitment of marriage might be a good time to try to step back and see -realistically - what life might be like. Spending one's life feeling unloved with a liar does not sound that feasible - what do you think?

I'm sure you are aware no addiction is easy to overcome, here there are two two, and without the person involved admitting the problems to themselves and others, and wholeheartedly attempting cure then the chances of things changing for the better is remote. Unfortunately it is an awful lot easier to deny and cover tracks. In time I'd expect finances would be affected too.

Do you have anyone in your life, a family member or close freind you can talk these things over with, it can be hard to gain perspective if one is too close to the situation?

You are always welcome here.

Croix

[AngelicDevil]

Thank you for the reply!

My family is abroad and I only have his family and some friends here. Not everyone knows the entire thing because telling people your sex life is non-existent and that your fiancé is addicted to porn is quite shameful and awkward.

I thought with Christmas coming and us already having a talk, things would change. However, that didn’t happen. I found out last night that he was lying to me again and watching porn on the sly. He has changed all his passwords now too. I had access to his laptop before but he has changed his password now. I actually came across the porn videos accidentally while I was watching a movie. Life for me has just become a string of lies, lack of intimacy and me snooping into his private stuff all the time because I am afraid he is either back on drugs or is watching porn instead of working on us.

When I confronted him about me finding the videos again, he was angry and asked me why I couldn’t stay away from his stuff and just to leave his laptop alone, and this is the exact reason why he doesn’t want to have sex with me. When I asked him if he is gonna continue watching porn even if it means the end of our relationship, he said yes. I have come to realized that I can never compete with Porn in his life and that he is not willing to do anything to save our relationship even though he keeps telling me he loves me a lot and I am his world.

Porn usage has become so extreme, he asks me to cover his shifts for him feigning tiredness and lack of sleep to only watch Porn at home. Even though he gets off work early, he would stay back at work and watch porn. He would be out all day sometimes, apparently to think about what happened, but then I would find that he had been downloading porn. Maybe I am driving him to more Porn usage because of what I am doing. However, I feel like shit everyday and feel lonely and unwanted and feel like a fool, and don’t know whether his feelings for me are real or he is just saying that because that is what I like to hear or to emotionally manipulate me.

I told his mom that I couldn’t be with her son anymore and that I want to call off the engagement because of the lies and Porn use. She said it is natural for men to watch porn and that I was thinking too much and not really being supportive. That I should understand his addictive personality and support him and get over it.

I am in desperate need of advice. Should I leave because of Porn? Is it stupid to throw everything away?

[Firekai]

Hi AngelicDevil,

Consider what you are “throwing away”:

1. Lies
2. Loneliness
3. Hurt
4. Stress and anxiety

As for the mother, it sounds like she has her own motives at heart and not your best interests. She knew her son has a problem. If you leave she can’t pass the burden on to you, so she is telling you it is normal and you need to be supportive.

It’s not. Her behaviour is also emotional blackmail/abuse.

I have seen this many times and been caught up in it myself. You know what you need to do. It will be hard. It will hurt. It will feel like your heart has broken.

Remember: You don’t need permission to walk away for your own mental health and happiness.

Good luck

[Croix]

Dear AngelicDevil~

I'm afraid I have to agree with everything Firekai has said, including the possibility his mother does not have your best interests at heart- or else has such ha different view of life you will never be a good relationship. I'd point out you may not know her history or past defeats, leaving her to voice those views.

I'd like to add something else, and that is how you feel about you. To be driven to have to check up on your finance's activities makes you feel like you are engaging in a below-board activity, however that is not the case, it is simple self-protection.

Feeling like shit each day, wondering if part of the fault is yours, if there is any hope. All these are things nobody should have to feel.

You are an honest and loving person, however you unfortunately have bestowed your affections on someone who is, by your own account, totally unsuitable, who prefers the fantasy of porn to a real person, prefers dishonesty to working things out -or make an effort to do so -and appears to be addicted to drugs. Telling you comforting lies costs him nothing and enables the status quo.

I cannot see how this relationship can give you anything other than grief.

I'm sorry to be blunt.

Croix

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