My Fiancé hates me. (Her words )

[Redhdc1]

Exactly as the title says… 

I need to be open and upfront. When I met my fiancé I was seeing an old friend and thinking I could make a go of it, however after meeting my current partner something inside me clicked and I fell in love with her. Like never before. Problem was I was gutless, and it took me a couple of months to tell my old friend that it’s not going to happen. But when i did; it was to be with my current partner, My Fiancé. The woman i love dearly and would do anything for. 

I made the grave mistake of not being honest with her upfront. She had since found out that i was seeing someone else when we met and since then it’s been hard to earn her trust back.. 

I have not cheated since, nor even contemplated it. She is 100% to woman i love and want to be with. I would do anything for her. 

Today she saw some emails where a work colleague told me she loved me. This work colleague is a lesbian and although i agree it was unprofessional, there was never any intent to be unfaithful and only playful banter. I’m generally a very flirtatious person But due to my past behaviour it has become an issue. The other big issue was i didn’t tell her at the time and again she found out when looking at my emails. 

How do I earn her trust back . It’s been a couple of years and I promise i have been nothing but faithful. I love this woman 

Bur in her words tonight  “ she hates me and I’m a [expletive]“ 

I Offered to walk away tonight if that’s what she wanted. It was the hardest thing i have ever said… 

All i want is to make her happy but Im just feeling I can’t do that.., 

Maybe Im not good enough, Maybe she would be better off I’m I wasn’t around anymore. 

I’m lost, confused, deeply in love but I feel all I do is hurt her. 

Would she be better off if I just left this planet. An accident perhaps…. 

I just want her to be gappy, 

[Guest_9989]

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. It’s clear you care deeply about your fiancé and want to make things right. You’ve already shown a lot of commitment by being honest about your past and staying faithful.

To rebuild trust, it’s crucial to be completely transparent from now on. Communicate openly with her about any interactions that might be misunderstood and reassure her of your commitment. Trust takes time to rebuild, so be patient and consistent.

It’s also important to seek support for yourself. Talking to a counselor or therapist can help you navigate these feelings and improve your relationship.

Your feelings of despair are serious, and it’s crucial to seek immediate help if you’re having thoughts of self-harm. Reach out to a mental health professional or someone you trust to talk through these feelings. You deserve support and help just as much as anyone else.

[Guest_7403]

Actions over words mate. You want to prove it to her...enough with the words...and show it through action.

Work is work...no flirtatious playful banter. Trying to justify it by saying the work colleague is a lesbian does not negate it.

Invest that energy into your fiance.

[Redhdc1]

Thanks. I am trying. I have grown so much over the past 2 years as a person. I made the fatal mistake of not telling her when that email came through. And to be honest, completely forgot about it as my reply was basically telling her not to say things like that and my fiancé would not approve. 

What I should have said is I don’t appreciate comments like that, regardless of what my fiancé thought. And Shown her the message straight away.. 

She had basically told me I need to come up with something tonight to change her mind as she is thinking about exist strategies… 

I don’t know what to say or do…. I’m scared she will want to sell the house and walk away. 

This woman means everything to me. 

[Redhdc1]

I know. I have stopped that sort of behaviour. The email she saw was from months ago. 

I have no one to blame but myself. I’m owning this mistake. 

Im just scared it’s too little too late 

[therising]

Hi Redhdc1

I agree with people being able to change. I think this can be a side effect of greater self understanding and a change of perspective. Positively mind altering stuff leads to change.

I'm wondering whether your partner has given you any indication of what it is that would make a difference to your relationship. If she hasn't been able to offer you any guidance in regard to the way forward, I'm wondering whether guidance outside of the relationship would be of benefit. I'm going back about 15 years in my marriage when recalling going to see a relationship counselor. While my husband didn't agree to going, I went by myself. I did this out of desperation, based on not being able to see any way forward in our relationship. I was willing to do just about anything (within reason) to make it work. I gained so much insight into how I felt. I also gained a basic education on what a healthy relationship looks like and how it typically functions, along with gaining an education on why my relationship with my husband was so dysfunctional. I experienced a significant shift in my self esteem and the list goes on in regard to the benefits of having gone.

In not being able to see any way forward, I've found a good guide makes all the difference in leading the way. A brilliant guide also helps shed light on what we just can't see, based on things appearing so dark at times. Whether you seek professional guidance or personal guidance (from a friend, family member, on the forums here or elsewhere), perhaps reassuring your partner that you're open to trying just about anything that will make a difference to her and the relationship you share with her could be a good start.

In looking back over 20 something years of marriage, I've found a relationship can be reformed many times in many different ways. What can feel like the end can actually be what precedes the beginning of a new and very different stage. Don't give up. The toughest challenges can be the ones that test us and our commitment and sometimes this can require going outside the square (aka 'our comfort zone'). If your partner's open to relationship counseling, for example, and this is outside of your comfort zone, go anyway. It can't hurt to get tips on developing and maintaining a healthy marriage if a healthy marriage is the goal.