Sexless marriage

[Qlder]

My wife is 8 years older than me. We have been together 18 years, but haven't been 'fully intimate' in over a year. She won't hardly let me touch her and I feel as though she has been pushing me away in that area of our marriage for years, but I want her to want me too. I am. Not sure what to do. I have been thinking about leaving as I don't want to be living with just a friend. Most other areas of our. Marriage is good. Am I just being selfish? Not sure what to do. Very sad and down about it.

[Croix]

Dear Qlder~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. It's a good move as if you search around I expect you will find others who have been in the same situation and see how they have coped

I guess the first thing to ask if you have had a frank discussion with your wife and see if she is prepared to explain her feelings. Intimacy is surprisingly fragile and an awful lot of things can effect it, from  physical matters such as pain to the emotional like feeling safe,  cherished and .. well I"m sure you can think of more.

It may be a difficult conversation to have, all I can suggest is adopting a supportive, gentle and non-accusatory way of talking and see what happens. By all means explain the effect on you and wanting to be close and have those feelings returned but not to the extent of making a guilt trip.

If it is something to do with your relationship perhaps if your wife is willing counseling might help, and if it may be physical maybe a visit to her doctor might be the way to go.

All that being said everyone's need or drive for intimacy is unique, and two people do not necessary feel the same. If this turns out to be the case then you do have a decision to make as to waht to do. 18 years is a long time to be with someone  and I expect you would both be a very large part of each other's lives. Is this something you would wish to give up?

Other things you may be considering - apart from practical matters - are how your wife might feel and if you did part if it was even possible you would have the opportunity to enter another relationship

I'm not trying to persuade you either way, just asking.

Croix

[Marcel13]

Hey man I hear you I’m in a similar situation my wife denies me sex for years and now it became overwhelming I just can’t take it anymore

best thing it’s just find your own happiness as they can’t give that to us unfortunately 

I say this as I love my wife and kids too but we need to love ourselves first 

good luck

[Qlder]

Thanks

[Qlder]

Thank you

[Qlder]

Have things gotten better for you?

[Croix]

Dear Qlder~

I've also read your other thread where you talk about having a long term affair and sadly that person is now very ill.

Any decision you make has to be yours, though I doubts anyone could come up with  a perfect solution. It may be your wife is no longer intimate because she knows or senses she does not have your full attention. However she has carried on with the marriage which I suspect means a lot to both of you and as least for her 'living with a friend' is something.

On the other hand your girl-friend  will most probably be feeling very vulnerable now, as her needs to be looked after wiht affection will probably be increased wiht her illness. Although I don't remember your saying so I wonder if you did tell her you were married.

I do have the feeling - please pardon me if I'm wrong - that you are seeing the situation in black and white, i.e. one relationship or the other. If your main desire is htat neither persons be hurt perhaps you may be able to continue as things are. I do not know enough to know if this is practical, however it does have some merit and there are people who do prefer 'not to know' rahter than have whole life upheaval leaving them alone and rejected.

I hpe your friend recovers from her illness. I also hope she  can accept you may wish to act on divided loyalties.

Croix

[Guest_9989]

It’s not selfish to want physical closeness and to feel concerned about the state of your marriage.

Here’s a few things to consider:

1. Talk Openly: Have a heartfelt conversation with your wife about how you’re feeling. Express your emotions honestly but gently, and try to understand her perspective too. There might be reasons for the lack of intimacy that you’re not aware of.

2. Seek Help Together: Consider seeing a marriage counselor together. They can help both of you explore the issues and work on solutions that might bring you closer.

3. Self-Reflection: Think about what you need to feel fulfilled in the relationship and whether those needs can be met. It’s okay to think about your own happiness and well-being.

4. Patience and Support: Sometimes, issues around intimacy can be resolved with time and understanding. If both of you are committed to working through it, there might be hope for improvement.

Ultimately, it’s important to balance your needs with empathy for your partner. Seeking support and having open discussions can help you both navigate this challenging situation.

[therising]

Hi Qlder

As a 54yo gal who's been married for over 20 years, I can say that while hindsight's great (offering quite the education), it's not always easy to figure out the reasons behind a lack of desire when it's taking place. While all females think and feel differently, I've discovered some of the reasons to be (if it helps in any way)

• A sense of insecurity doesn't help matters. Fuel a person's inner critic and you can kill their drive at the same time. I smile when I say that if I was to ask my inner critic 'What are some of the comments you've thrived on in the past?', it would say 'When your husband said to your kids in front of you 'Your mother used to look really good' and when he said to you 'You're looking old these days''. Just a couple of the many things said that have not been good for self esteem and intimacy. My inner critic would also say 'I love when your husband drinks, as he has no filter'😅
• Not having a lot of energy can be another factor. Whether it's certain chemical energy, such as dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, B12, estrogen, progesterone, testosterone etc etc, when there's not enough of that energy there required to create a form of drive, I'd compare that to trying to start a car with a flat battery or zero fuel in the tank. 'What spark or chemical energy's missing?' can sometimes be the question
• Experiencing a lack of difference can be another factor. If variety is the spice of life (which includes new forms of intimacy), 'Time for a new recipe!' may be the call
• A loss of attraction. This can be a complex one, as attraction isn't all about appearances. When our partner doesn't lead us to laugh in the ways they used to, doesn't lead us to feel soulfully romanced like they used to, doesn't lead us to wonder about life like they used to, doesn't lead us to a sense of adventure like they used to an so on, and these are all or some of the things that attracted us to them in the first place...well...there you go. With life becoming more demanding and more complex in many challenging ways, a lot of those things can kind of take a back seat or be forgotten about and it's not always obvious
• When we begin coming to life in new ways but our partner remains the same, paths can begin to separate. Referring to that last list, if the comedian, the romantic, the wonderer and the adventurer in us begin to come to life for the first time (even in our 50s), there can be a sense of resentment when our partner doesn't join us for some amusement, romance, wonder and adventure. It can become lonely

While a lack of intimacy can come about for many different reasons, they're just a handful that I've found to be the case.

With sex, it can mean different things to different people. So, while it can mean the same thing to a couple in the beginning of their relationship, it can change meaning for one or both of those people somewhere down the track. It could have begun as a close and highly exciting form of bonding and that's it. If it can come to be used as a resource for a whole variety of things, the question then becomes 'Okay, how can we now utilise it in a way that's going to serve us both?'. As a form of generating energy or as a form of stress release? As a form of meditation (gaining a sense of pure feeling, without thought), as being something that's good for a laugh (mucking around), managing or promoting certain types of chemistry or energy or something else? The list goes on. At the end of the day, I don't think it's selfish to miss and long for being able to share such an exciting form of energy. With getting to the bottom of why your wife's just not feeling it, sounds like you've got some detective work cut out for you. She possibly may not even know the reason/s herself.