My depressed fiance ripped our lives apart and I need support

[verysadlady]

Hi all

 I had the most amazing relationship with a wonderful man.  We lived together, with my son and his son from previous relationships, a really happy family of four.  I felt blessed and so so lucky that I had found my soulmate and we really cherished each other. Ours was always the house where the kids in the street would come to play.  He was always the man who went out to cut the grass and help out the neighbours if they needed it.  He was the world’s best father.  He was the Partner and Dad who always put his family before everything. We were both each other's reason for living and could not stand to be parted from each other.  We were engaged and were planning to get married in 2015 and both of us couldn’t wait.  We would have done it already long ago if we had the money! 

 For the sake of not making this a 10 page post, I will say that we came under enormous and prolonged stress in our lives,  and he “snapped” and left me completely out of the blue with nothing more than a text to say he “could not do it anymore”.  To add to the drama,  him doing this left myself and my son with no place to live and I had no choice but to return to my family (that live a long distance away).    We pretty much lost home, family and life overnight and all through it he was a cold, emotionless stranger.

When I returned a few weeks later to pack up my furniture and belongings he was a broken man. He had hives all over him, he had chest pains, IBM, vomiting, constant crying. He was saying he wished he had not done what he did but he could not cope.  I suggested he see a doctor. He did and he was diagnosed with a “breakdown” and depression .  

I wanted to come “home” and look after him, but for some reason he did not want me to.  He insisted on being alone and I had no choice but to leave and go back to my family again.  He started anti depressants and counselling and over a few weeks he went from being hostile and very cold to me, to realising that he was actually ill and had perhaps done the wrong thing. 

Two weeks ago he made the considerable effort of travelling to see me (a fair effort for him to make the flight and the drive when he’s depressed) to tell me that he regretted what he did and still loved me as much as he always did.  He said he felt no emotions at all and this had confused him into thinking it was over between us.  He realises now that it makes no sense for this to happen over a week in an otherwise happy relationship.  He said he was very, very ill and needed to “sort himself out” and I have agreed to wait and offer him support.

Now he has returned “home” and I am still on the other side of the country with my family.   He has moved into a small apartment now and lives alone with just his son every other weekend.   He is getting treatment, but he’s still in a bad way, to the point where I frequently feel worried.  We are now talking almost every day but he is nowhere near as keep to speak to me as he used to be, which is very hurtful sometimes.  

Meanwhile as he builds a new life for himself that no longer really includes me or our family, I am staying with family with no real home of my own.  All our stuff is in storage. My son is in a temporary school.   I am supposed to be sorting us out to move back, but for work reasons the place I need to move to will be about three hours from him. He says he will visit every other weekend and we will build it from there.

I hate the idea of starting a new life as a single Mum hours away from where we lived.  I am so sad for the life we lost. Not just for me, but for my son who lost his "Dad" and "Brother" and the only life he really knows.  

Some days I feel full of hope. I feel like we love each other so much that we can find a way through this, and I know that he needs me to keep faith and hope in him to get through this illness.

Other days I feel so angry.  He has his home, he has his job, he has his son safely tucked away in his usual bedroom and his usual school; whereas me and my son lost everything in this and he can't even offer me any emotional support because he is too ill.  

We were a family and if he was ill I could have helped him and nursed him through it.  Now I am supposed to leave, start my own life and start dating my own fiance long distance?  It seems like he is asking a hell of a lot.  I can't be angry though, because he doesn't know what he is doing or thinking.

I feel very alone.  Does anyone else have similar experiences?

[guest75]

verysadlady

my partner left me in the midst of a very deep depression.  it was the kick in the pants i needed to improve myeelf.  i got myself to a GP to get on some ADs and a referreal to a psychologist and made other lifestyle changes.  Im not saying your fiance would react the same but it was what forced me to improve myself.  I didnt get her back, but its made me a better person moving forward

just my 2 cents..

[geoff]

dear Lady, I am replying with regards to these emails which you haven't sent him as of yet, and I'm sure there are your feelings for him, stating your love, but I believe that love for a depressed person to them doesn't show to the full extend for them, it's just another word, I'm so sorry to say, they don't recognise what love is.

The words that they know of are support and help you because this rings a bell for them, and by doing this also means that you still love them but are showing it in another way.

It is so hard for people like yourself who truly love this guy to understand why all of a sudden he has changed, and the only reason is because he is depressed.

Neither of you can be blamed, and now he has shown signs that he wants to re-unite with you soon, and that's a positive response from him, although it may still take some time, but if you know this then your heart will feel a bit easier. L Geoff. x

[verysadlady]

Hi Geoff

Yes, I don't send messages of love to him, just support.  I know he feels dead emotions, he has explained. Sometimes he says he loves me. He always signs his texts with a kiss.  He calls me almost every day. I know for him this is a big effort.  A couple of months ago he acted like a stranger so it is progress.

Some days his face looks so bad that he doesn't want to talk to me on Skype so I can't see him on the video. He knows it will make me worry.  It's like all his facial expressions are gone and his eyes are dead.  After these calls I always cry for hours.

When I am with him in person, we connect as we always did and I know I am lucky for that.  Even when he was in the worst part of his breakdown, when he saw me he said he knew instantly that he loved me. He still wants to be in my arms, is still affectionate, never says bad thing to me, still wants to talk, still holds on to me in the night. He says being with me makes him feel "happy".

The problem is that when he goes away again, he says he disconnects and stops feeling it. I think it might be because going home to his empty apartment and being without me makes him more depressed.

He chooses to be alone, but it makes him worse.  He doesn't see it. He has a compulsion to be alone.

You are a very kind person...have you been depressed?

[geoff]

dear Lady, your comment 'going home to his empty apartment and being without me makes him more depressed', absolutely as it reminds me of when I sort of had to do some work for my exs auntie a couple of hours away and I stayed in her flat, and hell that was awful, all I remember is crying and drinking alcohol and then falling asleep, I hated every moment, but I was sort of compelled to do the work as she asked so nicely

This is a catch in depression to be alone with no one around you, but then it's so strange, because I wanted to be alone, so it's so hard to work out.

Being at home all by myself was so much better, because I had my own surroundings, so it's something that is so hard to work out. L Geoff. x.