My depressed fiance ripped our lives apart and I need support

[verysadlady]

Hi all

 I had the most amazing relationship with a wonderful man.  We lived together, with my son and his son from previous relationships, a really happy family of four.  I felt blessed and so so lucky that I had found my soulmate and we really cherished each other. Ours was always the house where the kids in the street would come to play.  He was always the man who went out to cut the grass and help out the neighbours if they needed it.  He was the world’s best father.  He was the Partner and Dad who always put his family before everything. We were both each other's reason for living and could not stand to be parted from each other.  We were engaged and were planning to get married in 2015 and both of us couldn’t wait.  We would have done it already long ago if we had the money! 

 For the sake of not making this a 10 page post, I will say that we came under enormous and prolonged stress in our lives,  and he “snapped” and left me completely out of the blue with nothing more than a text to say he “could not do it anymore”.  To add to the drama,  him doing this left myself and my son with no place to live and I had no choice but to return to my family (that live a long distance away).    We pretty much lost home, family and life overnight and all through it he was a cold, emotionless stranger.

When I returned a few weeks later to pack up my furniture and belongings he was a broken man. He had hives all over him, he had chest pains, IBM, vomiting, constant crying. He was saying he wished he had not done what he did but he could not cope.  I suggested he see a doctor. He did and he was diagnosed with a “breakdown” and depression .  

I wanted to come “home” and look after him, but for some reason he did not want me to.  He insisted on being alone and I had no choice but to leave and go back to my family again.  He started anti depressants and counselling and over a few weeks he went from being hostile and very cold to me, to realising that he was actually ill and had perhaps done the wrong thing. 

Two weeks ago he made the considerable effort of travelling to see me (a fair effort for him to make the flight and the drive when he’s depressed) to tell me that he regretted what he did and still loved me as much as he always did.  He said he felt no emotions at all and this had confused him into thinking it was over between us.  He realises now that it makes no sense for this to happen over a week in an otherwise happy relationship.  He said he was very, very ill and needed to “sort himself out” and I have agreed to wait and offer him support.

Now he has returned “home” and I am still on the other side of the country with my family.   He has moved into a small apartment now and lives alone with just his son every other weekend.   He is getting treatment, but he’s still in a bad way, to the point where I frequently feel worried.  We are now talking almost every day but he is nowhere near as keep to speak to me as he used to be, which is very hurtful sometimes.  

Meanwhile as he builds a new life for himself that no longer really includes me or our family, I am staying with family with no real home of my own.  All our stuff is in storage. My son is in a temporary school.   I am supposed to be sorting us out to move back, but for work reasons the place I need to move to will be about three hours from him. He says he will visit every other weekend and we will build it from there.

I hate the idea of starting a new life as a single Mum hours away from where we lived.  I am so sad for the life we lost. Not just for me, but for my son who lost his "Dad" and "Brother" and the only life he really knows.  

Some days I feel full of hope. I feel like we love each other so much that we can find a way through this, and I know that he needs me to keep faith and hope in him to get through this illness.

Other days I feel so angry.  He has his home, he has his job, he has his son safely tucked away in his usual bedroom and his usual school; whereas me and my son lost everything in this and he can't even offer me any emotional support because he is too ill.  

We were a family and if he was ill I could have helped him and nursed him through it.  Now I am supposed to leave, start my own life and start dating my own fiance long distance?  It seems like he is asking a hell of a lot.  I can't be angry though, because he doesn't know what he is doing or thinking.

I feel very alone.  Does anyone else have similar experiences?

[Imagine]

Hi Verysadlady,

I wish I could offer advice or practical help but I can only offer my support and understanding and the heartfelt wish that somehow this will work out for you. My husband of 21 years left me yesterday after a shock announcement followed by weeks of excruciating indecision, but my situation is different in that he doesn't want to come back and there are no children involved. I understand your torment after those brutal weeks of me holding it together hoping and hoping, while he lives in a luxury weekly rental apartment.

I want to say that you are not alone. There are some beautiful, wise, compassionate people here who will probably be able to offer you the help you need.

And we are all here to listen whenever you need to vent. One way or another you WILL get through this. You are obviously a caring and loving person and you and your son deserve a happy and settled life.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

[verysadlady]

Thank you imagine.  I am so sorry that happened to you. If it is any comfort, your husband might well change his mind.  It took a long time for my fiance to do so.  He wasn't himself and acted like a different person.  It might be that you are experiencing the same.  It's not very easy to understand.

Take care of yourself too

[Gingerninja]

Hi (can I just call you lady?)

i feel for you and I am truly sorry for your situation. I have driven people away, and understand the loneliness that your fiancé is going through. You are a strong and compassionate woman to be able to do what you are doing, and big kudos to you for trying to do the right thing. 

It is a crappy disease and it affects more then just the individual. Does your fiancé have support in friends or family to help him out? (Not that he will want to talk to any of them) 

do you have your own support network that you can turn to to support you?  

Look after yourself first and foremost, and keep offering your fiancé your support, whether that is listening in silence, or just a simple message to let him know you care about him,

good luck

ginger ninja.

[verysadlady]

Thanks Ginger Ninja

I have organised (without him knowing) for friends to make sure he gets out.  I have one friend who is taking him swimming and for walks. Other friends are inviting him over at weekends, just to keep him busy.  People are supportive, but he hides how bad it is from everyone but me.

Yes, I have a fantastic support network, but then no one can ever really understand what I am going through.

I do feel today a bit lost, like telling him I can;t do this...that either he wants to be with me or alone but expecting me to sort out the mess he left my life in, whilst being there for him without getting anything at all back is like leaving me in  a terrible limbo.

I am not doing so good, and I have to hide it from him

Lady

[verysadlady]

Can anyone who is depressed tell me if I would be endangering his well being if I ended it now with him?

I have written emails over the past few days to do it, but haven't sent them.  I am scared that it will make him worse. But it also might be a relief.

I love him, but I feel like I can't take anymore.  One minute he loves me and wants us to work together, the next minute he says he is confused and feels no emotions.  It's not easy for me coping with that at the same time and trying to be a Mum and sorting out a new life without my partner.  I just feel like the calls with him break my heart every single time.

[Gingerninja]

Hi lady,

wow you really are an amazing lady, so thoughtful. 

Have you looked at getting professional support to help yourself cope with what's been thrown your way? It's an awful lot to process and a neutral party won't judge your fiancé or you, and you might be able to share things with them that you don't want to share with friends /family. 

Ginger ninja.

[verysadlady]

Hi Ginger

I am seeing a therapist but don't seem to get any benefit out of it.  She is a good one, so it's not her fault.  I just feel unable to really share.  A lot of time I feel numb.  The only person I want to talk to is him.  I do talk to him, but can't talk to him about how sad I am, how lonely, how lost. It wouldn't be appropriate obviously.

The only people I seem to actually ant t talk to is depressed people. That might sound odd, but it makes me feel like I can understand better where he is.  It makes me feel closer to him.

I know that's strange probably.

Lady

[geoff]

dear Lady, when someone we love all of a sudden is hit by depression both your world as well as his is changed, because of this illness that strikes us down.

Although you feel annoyed by what he has done and given no consideration to your son or yourself, it's just that this illness doesn't allow for this, all he wants to do is be by himself, but that's only because of his depression, and now it follows through with you also needing help, so it's a two way effect.

I am just wondering at first whether his hives are not shingles, which I had and they are really sore, and all people could get them, but it's normally from stress and as lay in our body because of chicken pox.

His life now is trying to get over his depression and trying to sort himself out, which is not an easy feat and at the moment his life hasn't really begun to start the rebuilding, because it's a difficult job to do this.

From what you say is that he still loves you, but he is embarrassed by what has happened, plus he feels guilty for supposedly ending the relationship, and this has only happened by this god forsaken illness.

When we feel depressed we don't believe that the closest to us will be able to help, or that's one way we believe, or it could be our feeling is that we shouldn't let this illness affect the ones we truly love, so there's a couple of ways to look at it.

I know that you truly love him yourself, and that's why you have friends trying to get him occupied, however as much as this is lovely for you to do so, he may just some time to himself, but your friends will keep you informed.

The one thing to remember is that when somebody has depression, we can't push them into what we believe will be good for them, because that's crossing his boundaries, and the more we push the worse it becomes, just saying.

It's lovely that you have been able to join us, but under better circumstances would have better.

Stay with us because it can be a long road ahead, and now that your life has been turned around, there will people here to support you. L Geoff. x

[verysadlady]

Thank you Geoff.  Your post was really helpful. I am trying my best to understand and give him space. it is very frustrating on the other side but I am trying to keep faith in the person he was before he was depressed.

Some days, honestly, I find it very hard to believe that he didn't just decide he didn't love me.