Mum Loves Giving People's Belongings Away

[adamc]

For a very long time, Mum has got a kick out of giving other people's belongings away, preferably behind their back.

Before my young sister was born, Mum asked my eldest sister and I to put our soft toys into a bag. When I asked "You're not giving them away are you?" she said "No, they will be the cupboard in the laundry for when the baby comes."

Some time later, Mum did just that.

When my youngest sister was in high school, Mum went through her stuff and gave a lot to a friend who lived a few doors down. Naturally when my sister got home, she was outraged. She told Mum to go and get her stuff back, but Mum responded very smugly "Sorry, once you've given something to someone, it's wrong to ask for it back."

And now, Mum wanted to give my nieces' DVDs and books that couldn't be taken to my sister's house to next door neighbours'.

Mum is very controlling and domineering and before Mothers Day, she told my eldest sister's counselor that she doesn't think she will be seeing her grandkids on Mothers Day but after the person had gone, Mum said "I hope someone doesn't come over on Mothers Day because if she does, I'm getting in the car and going out."

When people are over, Mum is very much "poor me, I'm a hapless victim" but when there isn't, she becomes a huge, controlling bully.

And the problem is, Mum doesn't see what she's doing is wrong which she can be arrested for.

[Guest_62426516]

I had this exact problem. 

My relative couldn't seperate giving a gift, which was nice, from stealing someone elses stuff, which was nasty. And they frequently used one to justify another, and were often dishonest about this- it wasn't something they did thoughtlessly. 

I'm not going to speculate about why your mother would give other people's things away, I can't know. But setting clear expectations as early as possible is important, and seeking mediation from another person you trust can avoid the issue devolving into a personal argument. 

You could just put things in a cardboard box and write your name on the box, that might help. 

[therising]

Hi adamc

I'm wondering whether you or anyone else has ever sat your mum down and seriously questioned her in regard to giving things away that aren't hers to give away. I can relate to how when we seriously question people they can be inclined to brush things off. Pushing for valid reasons or answers requires some next level questioning, such as 'Don't brush this off. Give me a reason. This is your chance to be reasonable, take it. What is the reason behind why you give other people's things away?'. In your mum's case it could be a matter of 'Do you not care or do you like the feeling of thanks and praise from the people you give these things to or can you simply not feel our connection we have to these things you give away or do you feel entitled to do whatever you want without consequence or do you simply give it little thought?'. The reason/s point to the solution/s. She needs to learn how to care, she needs to manage finding different ways of receiving thanks and praise, she needs to develop being able to feel another person's connection to something, she needs to accept consequences, she needs to learn to put more thought into her actions. With that last one, more thought may mean seriously thinking about how theft is was enables her to give to others. 

I'm wondering whether different people bring different parts of your mum to life. Kinda like those who treat her or see her as a victim will bring the victim in her to life. Those who treat her or see her as difficult may trigger the intolerant, defensive or bullying part of her to life, based on how it serves her. Those who are needy may lead the giver in her to come to life and once the giver comes to life, perhaps it's a matter of 'Now, let's see what's around that I can give to that person' (even if it's not hers to give). Adam, you know through your own experience, that there are certain parts of you that you have to manage and you do manage them. Not everyone is conscious of the need to manage certain aspects of themself.

[adamc]

When i stopped Mum giving my sister's stuff away those years ago, Mum's excuse was "I should be able to what i want in my own house!"

When we were have new carpet laid, we had to put stuff in the back room where my nieces sleep when they come over. it's like their spare bedroom and Mum asked what of theirs can be donated and Dad piped up and said "it's not yours to give away."

And when Mum went to give their stuff to next door and I said she's to only give her own stuff away, not anyone else's, once again she used the excuse "I should be able to do what I want in my own house."

I spoke to our neighbour the other week and he stated Mum should only give her own stuff away, not anyone else's.

But why does she do, I have no idea.

Does she do it out of pride? I don't know.

Does she do it out of smugness? Who knows.

Some years ago, Mum was in a counseling session and the person said that Mum needs to take control, but what they were talking about is that Mum needs to take control of her OWN life but Mum took it that she needed to take control of other people's lives.

[therising]

Hi adamc

While a sense of self entitlement can be incredibly healthy in a lot of ways, like feeling entitled to live in a safe home free of mental, emotional and physical abuse, there's definitely got to be a line when it comes to a sense of self entitlement. With 'I should be able to do whatever I want in my own house', legal and social constructs indicate otherwise. There are quite a number of things we can't do in our own home, like run it as a drug den or physically assault our partner and kids. Of course, this doesn't stop some people. 

Besides statewide, national or global community laws or agreements, there are also the micro community agreements. In a school or a household (micro communities of people) there should be agreements that indicate a basic or reasonable expectation. A reasonable expectation would be that no one give our possessions away just because they feel entitled to. 

It actually used to really grind my gears whenever I'd hear my husband say to our kids 'This is my house'. When the kids got older and developed a greater sense of humour, whenever he'd say that I'd remind him 'You know the only reason it's not their house yet is because we're still alive. Don't give them ideas😂'. While I understand what he means, that he works hard to pay the mortage while they don't, this still doesn't make him entitled to do and say whatever he wants within that house. I think some people just have a 'This is my house' mentality (which creates a sense of separation), whereas others have more of a 'This is our home' way of thinking. I much prefer the vibe of our home.