Mum Forbidding Me Seeing My Young Sister For Christmas

[adamc]

Firstly, I'm 39-years old, have my own bank account and when I see something in in the shops I want to buy, like a new release DVD, I get it. But mum tries to dictate what I can and can't buy.

Back on Mum's birthday, my 26-year old sister stood up to Mum and told her that I have every right to buy what I like with my own money. Mum didn't like that and since demanded an apology off her which she won't get. As my sister said, she's not apologising for speaking the truth. Mum doesn't like anyone standing up to her. She wants me and my two sister to be exactly how she was with her parents; "Yes mummy, whatever you say mummy." My 42-year old sister is already doing it and it's disgusting.

Mum told my sister until she apologises, she is not to come over.

Now, I have naturally bought my sister and two young nieces presents for Christmas and Mum is forbidding me from going over there to see them. She's even stated "Don't ask your father to take you over as that'll say he's siding with her."

I find the whole thing disgusting. As I said to my Dad while out on a walk earlier to get today's paper, what right does my Mum have to prohibit me from visiting my sister and nieces for Christmas?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Firstly I'm interested as to why you are still living at home at 39yo? Do you have some dependency on your parents?

In general from your post, I get the impression your mother likes to control people, use them as leverage in a manner to deny your sister contact so she will be forced to apologize to her. If this is the case then it is the wrong thing to do by your mother. Individually you and others have the right to contact who you want.

When my father was alive he was treated the same. He would stand by my mother on every issue because my mother programmed him by making him feel disloyal if he agreed with us kids. It was wrong. As much as he was a great dad, he was very wrong in my opinion. Right is right, wrong is wrong.

Christmas is a time for giving and tolerating, not a time to make family issues worse. Also - your mother loving her family members should (ideally) mean she would be happy for her children to continue on happily with their relationships with their siblings. That should be her mindset, not division.

Parental guidance should not include unfair boundaries that includes obeying directions as if adult children are 6 years old. Such control is a mindset that needs correcting however it is unlikely your mother will seek help. Such people that dont seek help are likely in the long run to lose their family members.

My mother is 91yo. We, my sister and I (66 and 61yo) broke off all contact 12 years ago. So I know what you are feeling.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi adamc

Your mum sounds like a very controlling person. To directly answer your question, I don’t think your mum has any right to control who you see on Christmas.
Her “no contact” demand is going to hurt a lot of people, including you, your sister, your nieces and your Dad. It’s a really sad situation, especially at Christmas. And I don’t believe you are alone with this type of family conflict at Christmas.

I’m wondering if you could try talking with your mum. Perhaps explain that you love her and your sister, and that you’d like to visit your sister, not to take sides but to share your Christmas with all the people you love. Let her know how painful the situation is for you. 
From what you wrote, I’m not sure it will sway her but it could be worth trying. If it’s clear your mum won’t budge you need to think about your next steps because I’m assuming you will face consequences should you defy your mother and visit your sister and her family on Christmas. 
To keep the peace perhaps you could visit them on Boxing Day or spend New Year’s Eve with them.

I’m really sorry that you have to deal with this.

Kind thoughts to you 

[geoff]

Hello adamc, I agree, your mother should have no control over what you want to purchase, you are 39 and once you turn 18 you can do whatever you like.

If she refuses your sister and two nieces to come over to her place, then so be it, she is the one that eventually miss out on the nieces growing up and to forbid you from seeing them is not right as there are many ways of transport to get there.

If your mum makes these decisions then what else does she demand from you and secondly don't tell her what you have bought and more importantly decide how your future develops.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[adamc]

Hello.

I guess the reason I still live at home is because I'm just comfortable here. It's become familiar.

Yes, my mum is controlling and also nasty. She has a habit of pushing people away.

Family friends no longer come to visit, she's pushing me away if she hasn't already and she's pushing my sister's family away. When people don't want to talk to her or have anything to do with her, her response always is "What have I done???"

My young sister has stated she's not coming over on Xmas day which strangely my oldest sister seems perfectly OK with but what really disgusted me is how earlier Mum said "I'm over it. I shouldn't never have given birth to her."

For my right to buy what i like, Mum has constantly asked me "Why is it you're allowed to buy DVDs and Blu-rays but we can't have a dog? Do you think that's fair?"

For Xmas, Dad suggested hiring a car and meeting up with my sister somewhere so I can give them their presents. Even though what's been going on has made her say "Just forget Xmas and forget us" I can't. I've never forgotten gifting them for birthdays and Xmas and I'm not starting now.

[Summer Rose]

Hi adamc

Sounds like both your sisters—in their own way—just want to do what your mum wants and keep the peace.

I think your Dad’s idea has merit, how do you feel about it? If the weather is nice you could meet at a park and kids could have a play or the beach (if that’s an option). 
It’s really sad that your mum lacks any insight into the effect her behaviour has on people around her. Must be very hard for you and everyone else who cares for her.

Kind thoughts to you 

[adamc]

I got to see my young sister and nieces last week but had to meet at the local shopping centre to give them their Xams presents. They decided not to come over on Xmas because of Mum. Had to keep the meeting secret from Mum so when she asked what happened to the presents, had to simply say that I posted them.

When I used Dad's phone to message my sister to arrange a time and place, she said "Whenever. I don't have restrictions like you two", meaning my Dad and I. And I have to ask; is Dad and I letting Mum restrict who I can and can't see? Dad says he lets it happen "to keep the peace" and to stop copping Mum's abuse.

It's becoming so bad with Mum that Dad told my sister that he's considering divorce.

[Summer Rose]

Hi adamc

I’m really glad that you managed to see your younger sister and nieces and give them their presents. I really hope that you all had a wonderful time.

To answer your question, yes. Your sister is correct. Unfortunately, your mum is restricting who you and your dad can see.

I really feel for you and your family. I can understand why your dad goes along with things to keep the peace. But, from my experience, most people can only do that for so long because it’s really hard.

What happens next between your mum and dad is out of your control and not your fault. Let’s hope they can talk and work things out.

Kind thoughts to you