Moving On

[Kaynine_801]

Hi, this is my first post.
I have recently broken up with my girlfriend of 6 years. I am 27 and she is 31. We started to have problems with my commitment and her desire to start a family. For the last 3 years of the relationship we just weren't working that well together. So we decided to split which was instigated by her.

We have been apart for 8 weeks and we have been in some contact, but I recently found out that she is dating someone else already. I believe that she had set up this new relationship before we ended, as she had mentioned in a fight that there was someone else who was interested in her and I should watch out, and after running into them by accident she confessed that they have been dating for 3 weeks and that she had mentally prepared for our break up months ago.

I feel betrayed and destroyed by everything that has happened since we broke up, that she could move on so fast where I am so lost, confused and hurt. Is this guy better than me? Did she ever really love me? I still feel in love with her and care about her so much which makes this even harder. I am coming to the realisation that I need to move on and stop playing with the fantasy of us getting back together but I'm not making any progress in moving on. Any help?

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome to BeyondBlue Kaynine;

It isn't a coincidence we have a whole section on relationships my friend. Your plight although painful and full of introspection and questions, is part of life and our evolution.

I don't say this disrespectfully either. Most of us have been in this horrible boat, and have been affected or even damaged by the pain and frustration of a partner saying goodbye; especially when they turn to someone else.

If you look at what you've written, the absence of children is a factor that may impress upon you, how desperate and frightened some women can get when they hit 30. I was one of those women. My son was born when I was this age, and he's 26 now.

During my pregnancy my husband left and went to another woman; their affair had been going on for yrs. To be honest, I didn't have time to grieve or feel sorry for myself as I had to make a living and prepare for my son's arrival. It wasn't until yrs later I dealt with this thru therapy.

The point I'm making, is that hindsight is an amazing thing. My ex died in June this year (at 57) after a long illness from alcohol abuse. My son and I were saved from dealing with this due to him leaving. His new family were laden with the responsibility instead.

My advice is to deal with what's in front of you, instead of what lies behind you or the 'what ifs'. We cannot have control over the decisions of others, no matter how manipulative or desperate we are.

You don't know what's up ahead. It may be the love of your life and a wondrous life of joy and laughter. Grief is our right and needs to be felt so we can move forward.

I hope I've given you food for thought. These issues are so difficult to deal with as a Peer Supporter. Feel free to talk more or ask questions. There are links below for info, or you can call the counselling service on 1300224636 to verbally shed your concerns.

I wish you well Kaynine. I know it may take a while to find peace and lick your proverbial wounds.

Take care...Sara (Hugs)

[JessF]

Hello Kaynine, that is an excellent post from Sara above. This is a grieving phase and there will be so many emotions running through your head, anger, guilt, regret, sadness.

I wonder if, from your post, you perhaps have an idealised view of the past now that the two of you are no longer together. You say that the last 3 years of your relationship have been problematic, and you were together for 6 years. So, that means for half the length of your relationship there were problems. That's very significant. It may seem sudden that she has moved on, but if there have been problems for the last 3 years, it may actually be that she started the process of moving on some time ago. If she had not broken things off, would you have been the one to do so? Sometimes we stay in unsatisfactgory relationships because we are afraid of being alone, I know I have done this. It was always the wrong choice.

[Kaynine_801]

thanks for the replies Sara and JessF.

When I say problematic it wasn't that we were fighting, it was just that when it came to focusing on the future I feel we were at different stages in our lives and when we discussed this we really didn't see eye to eye. I understand that this should of been a red flag and that in relationships timing is key, but we both thought that it would work itself out eventually.
It really wasn't until this year where the cracks started to show as she really started fearing the biological clock.

From my end I thought I just needed some space to figure out my priorities and if I was really ready for the next step, I definitely didn't rule out the idea but did have hesitations and didn't want to commit if I was ever hesitant. I understand that from her perspective this hesitation was a deal breaker, but I really didn't want to rush into marriage and a family without being convinced that I was ready.
In July we had discussed breaking up in November and during this period I did feel that we were probably going to break up as we were both unsure of what to do next, however we went to Bali together and had a great time together, so I was caught off guard when she broke up with me not to long after the trip.

I know I wasn't afraid of being alone during our time together. If anything it was the opposite, for me I was scared to lose her as I thought she was a fantastic partner, but had insecurities within the relationship. Even at the end we both acknowledged that we both really loved each other and it was more circumstance that were pushing us apart.

I guess I'm in shock of really losing her. Maybe this is naïve, but she really was my best friend and the person I trusted the most in the world. For her to turn her back on me so quickly is really hurting me. I also have the feeling that this new relationship of hers started happening while we were still together as she confirmed that this new person is the person who was showing interest in her at work. That is quite hurtful as I can honestly say I was never window shopping in our relationship.

[Kaynine_801]

I'm also finding it hard as in the time we have been separated she has told me she misses me, but knowing that she is involved with another person makes it very confusing. I am focusing on breaking contact and sorting out our affairs as this is getting too hard and feel I need the separation

[JessF]

I have read that in a lot of threads on here, where a couple splits up and one half (usually the one who did the splitting) will still send messages, or say "I miss you". I personally find this very unfair. It sends mixed messages and in my opinion is done out of guilt. Of course she will miss you to some extent, you spent six years together. But she has made a choice. Perhaps in her mind your trip to Bali was a way of her seeing whether she saw a future together. Perhaps she saw it is a "one for old times sake". But this is all guessing games, and you could spend hours doing it and just upsetting yourself.

I agree that creating some distance sounds like a good idea.

[Just Sara]

Well done Kaynine;

You've expressed yourself really well indeed. Sometimes writing to others explaining things, can become an exercise in self insight. I re read my entries and most times get something personal out of it.

Keeping a journal has the same affect. Jotting down words addressing it to yourself is a great way to get things out in the open. I've done it for over 20 yrs.

So, it seems grieving has already begun. If you google 'process of grief', it may give some good suggestions and info on what you're going thru.

Again...best of luck and please...be gentle and kind with yourself. ok? Promote 'you' before anyone else. Give to 'you'. Encourage 'you'. At this stage there is no 'us'.

Warm and kind thoughts...Sara...hugs

[Just Sara]

BTW JessF;

Kudos yourself for your great responses!

You must've been typing as I was. Really good to see you on the scene cooking up a treat!

Cheers...Sara xo

[Kaynine_801]

Thanks Sara and JessF.
I just thought I would update you guys on the situation. I spoke to my ex last night discussed why we didn't work and how things just couldn't move forward in our relationship given where we were. We had different desires and if we stayed together, one or both of us would of missed out on what we wanted. Timing really is everything in life.

In regards to her new relationship she said that it definitely happened after we broke up but they had been friends for a while and given her position she didn't want to wait it out. She apologised for hurting me for moving on so fast. We spoke about it and he seems like a great guy and she seems very happy with how this relationship is working out so far as she feels that he and her are coming from the same position in life.

Ive decided not to be bitter and instead just be happy that she is working towards her dreams. We both consider each other our best friends and love each other, so I can only support her with what she wants to achieve.

I guess the rest of my life starts now. wish me luck

[JessF]

Thank you for letting us know Kaynine, it's very sad but I'm so pleased you've had some sort of closure and things haven't ended on a totally sour note. It's wonderful that you're able to see this in such a pragmatic light, it will serve you well in moving on. There is a lovely sense of insight in your post. Separations are hard.