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Moving interstate for dream job, partner doesn't want long distance relationship

Aah
Community Member

Hi all,

This is my first post so thanks for having me. I've been with my partner for 3 years. That entire time, I've been doing my PhD. I've just about finished my PhD and have been offered an amazing job at a uni. These teaching jobs are very hard to get so I feel lucky and excited. The problem is that it is in a city in another state. The reason why applied for the job is that my partner's family lives in that city and her dad has been unwell with cancer. At the start of the year, we talked about moving there. So now I have this job that is an amazing opportunity with a good salary that could support her if she needs to look after her family and/or she finds another job. Alternatively, the job is for a maximum of 3 years so I could come back to nsw at the end of 1-3 years and do a long distance relationship in the meantime. I have negotiated terms so that o could spend 1 in 4 weeks working remotely back in nsw. I was so excited to tell her all this but she is totally against it all. I don't expect her to be happy about the prospect of a long distance relationship but she is now saying that she wants to break up, that I have used her just while doing my PhD and that moving interstate is just an excuse to get away from her. She can't transfer her job interstate because she'd have to retrain, and she says she won't move to Vic unless I can guarantee it's forever.

so, I guess I'm just writing here to see if, like she says, I am being selfish in really wanting the job. I know she wants to start a family but, as I told her, I wouldn't have done a PhD unless I was interested in pursuing my career. Surely that shouldn't come as a surprise to her? I love her but she is pushing me away and saying such hurtful things, it's hard to know what to do! I come from a broken home with an alcoholic dad, so healthy relationships are pretty foreign to me.

Sorry for such a long lost, any opinions welcome!

5 Replies 5

Guest_9809
Community Member

Hi Aah, and welcome to the Beyondblue forums.

I will start by answering your final question. No ... I dont believe you are being selfish at all! In fact in making your decision, you seem to have taken into account many of your partners perceived needs.

It sounds to me as though your partner is feeling insecure in your relationship, and possibly has some abandonment issues. It may help to find time, when you are both feeling calm, to sit down and rationally discuss every aspect of this new career option. Ask her for her thoughts, suggestions and possible solutions to this impasse. Explain to her the things which are so important to you. Point out the many positives there are to this new opportunity for you both. If your relationship is worth preserving you will be able to work out a mutually agreeable solution.

My advice would be to not give up this wonderful opportunity. To do so would only make you feel bitter and blame your partner, and your relationship may not survive that. Which would mean you lose both your dream job and your partner. Stick to your guns.

I am really sorry that what should have been an occasion worthy of celebration, has been turned sour by this unexpected reaction from your partner.

Congratulations on getting that amazing job opportunity at the interstate uni. I hope it turns out to be everything that you hope it to be.

I hope to hear back from you Aah.

Taurus

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Aah, welcome to the site and what Taurus has said pretty well says it all.
You can't give up a job offered to you that could well and truly lead you onto much bigger assignments or make you climb up the ladder to much more important status, just because your partner doesn't like the idea or it doesn't suit her.
All your intentions were so that she could be with her family, that's pretty honorable of you to even suggest this, but the three years is not certain at the moment, you don't know what other great prospects may come out of this, so you're losing an opportunity that you will regret if you don't take it.
If she has to retrain then so be it, your income will provide the necessary funds to keep you both afloat, and if she loves you then this is what she should decide to do, and it will give her the opportunity to see her family.
I also wish you well but really interested in knowing what you decide on doing. Geoff.

Aah
Community Member
Thanks so much for your support Geoff and Taurus. I've decided to take the job. We've had a very rough week but my partner has come around to the idea of long distance until she can find a job in Melbourne. I'm not sure if it will work but at least there has been some kind of compromise.

Guest_9809
Community Member

Fantastic news Aah. I am really happy for you both that you have been able to reach a compromise.

I expect you are going to be really busy now, and may not have much time to post here any more. But please know that you can return any time. Thanks for taking the time to let us know your good news.

Wishing you every success and happiness.

Taurus xx

I am so glad that your partner has come around. Relationships are about support and helping build each other up. It sounds like you really tried to consider her when applying for that job, I hope she appreciates that when she gets to see her family more often. I hope you are proud of yourself because phd's are hard work! Good luck in your career and hopefully she finds a suitable position soon.