Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Nonny My partners adult children - seven years in
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Until last year my partners adult children were polite, kept me at arms length and let me know my place (or lack of it). I was saddened by this and really wanted to be part of the family. Three years ago two of them had babies, I was over the moon an... View more

Until last year my partners adult children were polite, kept me at arms length and let me know my place (or lack of it). I was saddened by this and really wanted to be part of the family. Three years ago two of them had babies, I was over the moon and just adored spending time with the little ones and it seemed they with me. Despite some other obvious snubs, I hoped this was my way to fit into the family. About a year ago I was told that the grandparent name the babies had been calling me was inappropriate and no longer to be used, I am not biologically related. I was devastated. I was very ill at the time and couldn't manage a face to face conversation apart from the initial one. I, very carefully with my partners knowledge tried by email, writing to all four parents to explain why the grandparent name was important to me. In return I received a hurtful email to go with an earlier email refusing to discuss the matter since it had been decided, neither of the two married into the family parents replied. I know that my earlier life makes it hard for me to cope with rejection. I have tried to be rationale and now my anti-depression medication dose is very high. There is no way I would say anything to stop communication / visits between my partner and his family. He sees them reasonably regularly, which I find hard. Its like I don't exist. I could go along, but don't because I can't cope with the rejection, or disingenuous behaviour. I have some chronic health issues that stress seems to flareup. I miss the little ones. My partner is unhappy with the situation but loves and is very close to his family and won't rock that boat. My partner gets angry when the subject is mentioned and can't stand to have his children criticised. I'm not sure my relationship is going to survive. I can see we are becoming more distant and don't know how to fix it.

Letting_Life_Pass_Me_By Trying to find a way past the self hatred....
  • replies: 15

Hi all. I am very, very new to this. I have always been the person who silently broods until I finally snap. However, tonight I got so mad because of something that I should not have been upset about in the first place and realized that I need to fin... View more

Hi all. I am very, very new to this. I have always been the person who silently broods until I finally snap. However, tonight I got so mad because of something that I should not have been upset about in the first place and realized that I need to find someone to talk to. I struggle to talk to people so I figured that this at least is anonymous and quite possibly might help. I already know what triggers my moments of depression.. Thinking about my father and how miserable I was as a child, thinking about one of my 4 sisters who causes me nothing but grief and who I can't bring myself to forgive for hurting me, thinking of my mother who should have stood up for me but never did and whom also shows no real interest in my two sons, my other 3 sisters who act fake around me, thinking about my brother who I never got the chance to get to know because I made the choice to run away when I was 15 and he was 5, even when I look at my husband and know that I am in a miserable marriage that I struggle to give a chance triggers these moments of depression. There are also those never ending thoughts that spiral around in my mind telling me that I have the power to fix my marriage, forgive my family, move away and start fresh and even get out and try to loose all the weight I stacked on during the previous 5 years. I realize that my life ain't so bad. I have 2 great kids, the rent is paid on time, I manage to pay the bills, we eat as healthy as the budget allows and I know my children are NEVER hungry. I have more then some people do and I should feel appreciative, I know that. I still can't shake all my bitter history. I can't bring myself to forgive life long grudges. I don't leave the house very often. I can't get motivated. I cry constantly, sometimes for no reason at all. I am so lonely and I don't know who I can talk to because the people in my life don't understand and every single one of them is notorious for gossiping behind each others backs. I don't want to feel alone anymore though. I don't want to be in this bubble of self hatred, treating myself like a victim and hating myself even more for it. I know I'm not the first person to feel this way and I definitely won't be the last, that's life I guess... But, I want some help now and if starting here, talking to strangers, is the baby step I must take to start down the road to feeling better then I hope this helps.

Bluejay47 14 years married to depressed and anxious husband who lost all our assets
  • replies: 15

I have been married to this man for 14 yrs there has been a few breaking points but I have stuck it out because He can be a good guyRecently he has gone bankrupt due to borrowing against out househe deceived me throughout the whole last 5 years in a ... View more

I have been married to this man for 14 yrs there has been a few breaking points but I have stuck it out because He can be a good guyRecently he has gone bankrupt due to borrowing against out househe deceived me throughout the whole last 5 years in a new business he started, with money and debt and next minute we had to sell our house, not much lefthe has seen psychiatric people years before and was diagnosed bi polar but I have always doubted this and now he has been taken off one medication but on another.He doesn't seem different tho so guessing it was ineffectual anywayyear after year of depression and really selfish behaviour plus losing everything I'm near at an end.He hada string of bad things happen at work over 14 years which I have stood by him.He is angry that he has no biological kids.he is pretty obsessed with this even tho my kids have called him dad since day dot and my youngest was 3 when we met.He has dreadful crying and screaming episodes, he doesn't communicate, rose coloured glasses so pretends he is perfectHe says I'm such a good man, he can't believe I would be unhappy with him,I guess this is a small example of what has constantly happened in the marriagehe always went to psychologist but somehow pretended to be the good guy and simply said the surface problems he had and no one ever really dug deep,I guess he is the comedian and all say oh what a wonderful guy he is... Life of the party etc but I and the kids get Sad man, he pretends to be happy he is passive aggressive, says really cutting things like I will find a younger woman to have a baby, he tells me I'm yelling but I absolutely don'tso I have finally got my own counselling and after 4 sessions I have been feeling fantastic and I have realised that he just goes to the psyc and its all about him and not a thought as to how all these things have affected our marriage kids.Im angry as I can feel that by being honest with his psyc it possibly could have been helpful if he told the hard truth to perhaps to help us..I feel let down by the drs and him because he just doesn't get it that I want some truth and feeling not pushed away and silence and oh it's not a good time because he feels depressed!! For 14 yearsim ready to walk away but he rebooked 5 sessions with the psyc he has started seeing and promises he will listen. his own admission he just doesn't listen to the advice aparaNTLY WTF but now he will. I have lost trustopinions please

Insecure_wife Your experiences will help me
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Hi everyone, I am new and I am the wife of a sufferer of PTSD and my husband has had a relapse after many years. It is different this time and I am wondering if anyone can help me out. He is going to the doctors today to get some help again, which I ... View more

Hi everyone, I am new and I am the wife of a sufferer of PTSD and my husband has had a relapse after many years. It is different this time and I am wondering if anyone can help me out. He is going to the doctors today to get some help again, which I am very pleased about. However, I have a huge amount of distrust this time around, which I have never had before. My husband is being very secretive about his phone, he hides his phone when he is in the shower and it is always with him. If he gets a message he leaves and goes elsewhere to look at it but will not tell me anything about it or discuss it at all, not even to say he had a message. I have also found when he was working (he was working in Thailand on a fly in / fly out basis) that he was having money put into another account that I don't know about. This is so unlike him and I am trying to not let my mind wander here but I am finding it very difficult. Can anyone offer me any help as I feel totally stuck with being able to do anything - I feel like I am frozen, just cannot function or do anything. I realise he is the person who has the issue and I don't want to make this about me, I just need some help from someone please.

Strong100 Feeling co dependent
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I know it's great to take the support of friends but the more anxious I get, the more I feel the urge to contact a friend every time by panic feeling or loneliness feelings intensify. How to take the support of good friends without exhausting them? View more

I know it's great to take the support of friends but the more anxious I get, the more I feel the urge to contact a friend every time by panic feeling or loneliness feelings intensify. How to take the support of good friends without exhausting them?

Mems89 Partner with possible BPD..I cannot cope!
  • replies: 7

I have been with my partner coming up to 10 years now. The relationship has never been easy. Never. But it's only in the past few years where I've realised that it's not me that's the problem, it's him, and that the problem is a possible mental illne... View more

I have been with my partner coming up to 10 years now. The relationship has never been easy. Never. But it's only in the past few years where I've realised that it's not me that's the problem, it's him, and that the problem is a possible mental illness. I've begged him to seek help, but he refuses. I've given ultimatums, but he always talks me out of following through. The thing is, it never gets any better, and I fully believe it never will, UNLESS he seeks help. His parents have suggested it's Bipolar, but on further research I believe it's more BPD. My soul has been destroyed. I can not be me around him, because no matter what, nothing I do is 'right' or good enough. I am constantly walking on egg shells and I am only truly happy when he is not around, and I dread being around him. But when he is happy, I know I love him, and things can be good, for a few days. The sad thing is is that there are far more bad days than there are good days, and when there are good days, I'm dreading the inevitable bad days. It can be something as small as me wearing makeup when he feels it's unnecessary, making him think that I'm wearing it for someone else, but on other days it could be because I didn't wear makeup making him think I'm letting myself go. From this example you can see I'm constantly in a no-win situation, and I'm sick of being left guessing as to what is appropriate at any given minute of any given day. I feel unloved, unappreciated, constantly alone and invisible. He refuses to communicate with me, yet expects me to communicate fully with him (to have it twisted and used against me as he sees fit). His mental illness is making our relationship abusive, and as much as I want to be there for him and help him get better, I don't think I can unless he does so himself. BUT I am scared. I am scared to walk away from the relationship, because I don't know how he will react. He will want to seek revenge, he will want to hurt me as much as he feels I've hurt him (because he doesn't SEE that he is the one hurting me first). I don't know what to do or how to handle it. Most of all, I feel broken and defeated. Yet again, there is a no-win situation, but I know I need to do something, because it's my mental health and sanity that is now being affected, and he couldn't give two hoots.

Yetti Inner battle
  • replies: 5

For myself having depression on the best of days sucks and to make it worse its something that seems to run on both sides of the family. The hardest part tho is i feel two parts to me the outer me trying to go day to day and the inner me which is scr... View more

For myself having depression on the best of days sucks and to make it worse its something that seems to run on both sides of the family. The hardest part tho is i feel two parts to me the outer me trying to go day to day and the inner me which is screaming and screaming and even abuses me and puts me down that i get to a point i get confused and selfish feel no quilt. Which sadly goes to me thinking im not worth the time and day and some stage my partner will be sick of me so i go out of my way to destroy what i have and im at a loss.

Sweetaspie I feel like I am losing the plot/sabotaging my relationship because I am anxious/depressed
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Hi all, I have had a couple of bouts of anxiety and depression since I was a teenager(3/4) and I feel that the way I am behaving now may be the sign I am in another. I have been in this relationship for near 17 years now(since school) and this past 6... View more

Hi all, I have had a couple of bouts of anxiety and depression since I was a teenager(3/4) and I feel that the way I am behaving now may be the sign I am in another. I have been in this relationship for near 17 years now(since school) and this past 6 months have been a testing time for us. We moved to the otherside of the world (UK to Australia) and we do like it here. But my issues are now boiling up due to a lack of communication on my part and worries which my partner doesn't pick up on when I attempt to talk about it. Its my own fault because I don't articulate myself very well to him. I think I am always worried that if I tell him all that I will lose him. (not been cheating, its more my fears, worries and financial status. As well as our daughter) I am making myself so ill because of it and today I lost the plot over something so small that then escalated into me calling him horrid names, telling him i hated him and that I was taking our daughter and going home (to England). The thing is I don't know why I did it. I mean he went out with our daughter because i felt unwell, (so to give me space) and I texted him these awful things. What is wrong with me? I do love him and I want to be with him, (I wouldnt have quit my job and uprooted if I didnt) I have never felt as mentally drained as I do now) He is so mad (every right to be) and I dont know what to do. He looks so defeated that I think he has now drawn the line under the relationship. I am here today to ask for advice on what I should do. Part of me feels like giving up (Im embarrassed because he screenshotted the messages and sent them to his mum, who has never thought I was good enough for her son) so I feel this will full more there, but also because I think he can do better. but the other half is like, you have spent 17 years with this man, you love him and you have a daughter together. I am super down about the fact I cant seem to get a job in my field and that has been so hard because I havent done any other work in 15 years (I am an ODP in the uk and I was told we could work here, but Sydney seems to not have any jobs for my skill set) I dont have the money to retrain and I cant convert my qualifications to nursing. So I just feel so emotionally/ mentally exhausted. Sorry for venting. any advice to get me out of this funk and seeing clearly, would be appreciated.

lost_husband_2016 end of the road
  • replies: 5

Hey,well i wrote out my story to post and i was 7000 characters over the limit! guess I've got a lot on my mind. So here's the short version, 8 years into a relationship, 1 year into a marriage, my wife suddenly seemed to change, and didn't like thin... View more

Hey,well i wrote out my story to post and i was 7000 characters over the limit! guess I've got a lot on my mind. So here's the short version, 8 years into a relationship, 1 year into a marriage, my wife suddenly seemed to change, and didn't like things about my character. She'd lost her mum 2 years before, and seemed to get down into a bit of a hole after that I was concerned enough at the time to suggest seeing someone about it, she didn't take it up. She's always had her ups and downs, but about a year ago it just seemed to increase and just keep on going on a slippery slope. It didn't matter what I said, she would have a negative spin on it. Not just me and her but everything about her life, disappointment in work, disappointment in friends, disappointment in family, feeling disconnected to people and that she hadn't achieved enough in her life ( only 29 and had achieved a PHD, unfortunately the dream job didn't follow ). Out of nowhere we started fighting, when we never had before hand for years, and she continued down the slope. Many job rejections followed, and she ended up saying she wanted to kill herself (not in a joking manner, in a i'm really concerned and worried manner) after one rejection and broke down. Not long after this she was looking for many escapes from our life together, all sorts of trips away. But ended up taking off on a drive around the country. While she was away she called me on day and said if we are going to continue our relationship i need to tell you something. She told me she was in love with one of her co-workers and had been ready to leave me but they had told her she needed marriage counseling.We kept talking from here until one day she told me she had no energy for our relationship and that she just couldn't give me what i needed. We kept trying to work things out after that and she eventually came home for a period......and started to try doing a course at home.....but couldn't get into and took a job away..she'd finally started to admit that maybe something else was going on there could be some depression, ie seeing a psychologist looking at beyond blue..but at this point,she's told me she wants to be alone and has no energy for the relationship, needs to focus on herself and has moved her stuff out of the house,i think my marriage is over.She's told me she has doubts in everything,but that includes me and can't live with the doubt that maybe there is someone else.I'm feeling lumped in to all the bad feelings.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

bmlaaa Help needed! (Trigger warning: family violence)
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I need to get help, but I just can't get past the first step. My life feels like it is falling apart, I do not know or like the woman I have become. Would you forgive your husband if he punched you once after you punched him repeatedly? All I ever se... View more

I need to get help, but I just can't get past the first step. My life feels like it is falling apart, I do not know or like the woman I have become. Would you forgive your husband if he punched you once after you punched him repeatedly? All I ever seem to do is yell and scream at my kids, I hate it and I hate myself. I don't know what to do, my 5 year old daughter's heart is broken as I told my husband to leave today, I don't want to break her heart but what about mine? I feel like I want him to stay as I can't cope with my three children alone, but that isn't healthy or right, I am raising my three beautiful children around anger, resentment and hatrid, and they deserve more then that. Sorry for my rambling, I just have no one to turn to, I am always the one who listens to others, I feel like I always try and be there for others but no one has ever actually been there for me, and I find it so hard to open up about my feelings and what has been happening in my life. Thank you xo