Family drama

[jillybeans]

Hi I'm new here. Have suffered depression on and off for many years. Seems to be triggered by my family's dislike/hate of my husband. Been together 23 years. I have never been able to stand up for him and I have to admit he has some irritating features and has said some pretty awful things about my family. Now my daughter aged 30 won't speak to him because of things he said to her. It is breaking my heart. Have tried to leave him lots of times but never able to stay away long. It has caused a major rift in my family. My family think he is controlling. He has loved me endlessly and I've put him through so much but I do sympathise with my family - he has been at odds and awful to them on occasion. I am so torn I just don't know what to do any more. He has had enough. It makes me so depressed but again I blame him, not my family. We are both worn out. I should say my daughter lives interstate. She is quiet like me but refuses to put up with my husband's treatment any more. He made her less than welcome (she lives interstate) and he says it's her attitude to him that's the problem. I've tried to leave because I see no other way, the pressure is enormous. However, my brother especially is supportive of me and believe I will only be happy if I can get him out of my life. I am seeing a counsellor next week but in the meantime I am so depressed about the whole situation and can't seem to stay on one track in how to solve this mess. Any suggestions greatly appreciated.

[JessF]

Hello jillybeans, it seems that your post is pointing towards a desire to leave your husband. At the very least, you are both unhappy. What do you think is stopping you?

[jillybeans]

Hi JessF. Thanks so much for replying. Fear of being able to survive on my own is stopping me which sounds ridiculous but I know I have very low self-esteem. I am afraid of having a big crash. I moved out for 3 months once but I didn't cope at all well and was very ill with depression most of that time, though he did keep emailing me making me feel very very guilty. I know he really loves me but he is a difficult person and will not EVER back down from his stance ie everyone else is wrong.

[monkey_magic]

Hi jellybean's & welcome, he sounds similar to someone I was with he too had some of those characteristics. Love and forgiveness sure r powerful. Have u spoken to him about how his actions make you feel & is he willing to make any compromises. I think he should care about your feelings. A loving partner makes compromises,and respects his wife. A real man ( not many out there) builds his family up...have you thought of couples councilling to get everything on the table? Does he know how ppl feel about him and has this been communicated clearly to him. If a man was making me unhappy I'd go....unless he was willing to put in the effort to make some changes... Hope I've helped a bit. Good luck

[JessF]

Hello jillybeans, it's very telling that all your reasons for staying are due to fear of being by yourself and not to do with the marriage. Of course it's going to feel overwhelming after 23 years, and after one attempt of 3 months that didn't work, it makes sense you're feeling stuck. But perhaps the 3-month stint can be something to learn from. Why don't you think it worked? What could you do differently next time to help you ride the bumps (because it won't all be plain sailing)? I left a husband after nearly 20 years and I can see myself in what you're saying, my fears were also around, how will I cope rather than what will I be leaving behind.

My solution was to stay with friends for a while until I transitioned into moving into my own space. That way, I had a built-in support mechanism from which to rebuild my life.

[jillybeans]

Thank you Steph6 for your reply. I have tried to talk to him but the most he will concede is that he hasn't always reacted well but that he didn't start it. Admittedly my family never liked him - he talks non-stop and is very opinionated but as he says he doesn't mean anyone any harm. He is very articulate and difficult to argue with. I have done some terrible things to him like leaving, going back and forwards, confiding in my family, never taking his side. He brought up my daughter as his own since she was 2 1/2 and is very hurt that she has taken this stance. However, I know it wasn't taken lightly by her, if he is unhappy everyone knows it and he is hard to be around - he vents a lot and his sense of social justice is wearing at times! I think he is a little jealous of my daughter actually. She just got sick of being around the drama and hated the effect it was having on me. On a day to day basis we don't see my family or my daughter very often but it still hurts. He has offered to talk to her but this would mean him telling her what she did wrong! He has suffered a lot this past couple of years since this came to a head- waited for me over and over. I try to get on with my life but he is always right and I can't seem to get through to him without getting angry myself. It's exasperating. He doesn't really like anyone in my family and though he says he has tried to be congenial, I see it as him not being terribly friendly even when olive branches were offered. I am from the country and after we married (against my parents' wishes) he never once came to visit with me (over 20 years). This hurt me but I just accepted it. He says he kept the visits to a minimum so as not to make him and my family uncomfortable.

[jillybeans]

I don't think it worked because I still love him and I think I am a bit co-dependent as well. Also, he continually swamped me with emails pleading for me to come to my senses and that what we had was precious and hard to replace. Also I just felt terribly guilty that I was causing him so much pain. I struggled to keep my job because I was so ill with depression, despite my family's support which was amazing. However, because I can't seem to stay away, they have taken a step back because I keep messing up and giving in.

[jillybeans]

I should also say that my husband is adamant that my family's disapproval is always the trigger for my depression and this seems to be the case. I have had multiple episodes where he has looked after me for months after a family visit when nothing in particular happened but I sensed their disapproval. They are nice ordinary people but he sees them as the enemy because of the effect they have on me.

[monkey_magic]

U sound as though u want to stay with ur husband. As long as ur safe & he makes u happy I don't c the problem but it seems as though others don't quite like him. If there r more good times than bad maybe others need to c,understand & support this. If he is treating u well that's what matters. Everyone has flaws. Its all up to u what u r willing to accept & move on from