Mother with manipulative husband

[Anythinggoes]

So, about 4 months ago my girlfriend came from out of state to live with me. Somethings happened which lead to me having a falling out with my mother. In text messages I explained to her reasons why i didn't wish to stay at her home. Which were that I didnt feel comfortable at her home due to things always going missing and his disrespect to her over the years, entering prison mulitple times, fathering a child a relationship outside of theirs. And the apparent controlling of her trying to isolate her from friends making things her fault. So i repaired things with my mother, but, she insisted i repair things with him too.. I see him and he trys to tell me that I purposely constructed this falling out so him and my mother couldnt meet my girlfriend, thus isolating her. He told me that he believe i have all the hallmarks of a controlling and isolating person. Now i personally dont believe that keeping her away from him is isolating, as i dont control who she sees at all. Infact I encouage new people as shes new to where i live and id like her to have other people to talk to other than my family. Now he said that he would like to talk over all this in stages. But after the first meeting im reluctant to continue, I know it will damage my relationship with my mother but I dont want to be told that this is all my fault when, they dont see how events of my childhood affect me. Police raids, prison visits every weekend, mum always being preoccupied with shit happening surrounding him. Is it wrong that i dont want to patch things up with him? And any suggestions on a course of action.

[geoff]

hi Anythinggoes, and your comment is not easy to answer, although in fact it is, but you can not trust what your mum's partner may do, he has had an affair, or is a father outside of his r/ship with your mum, so you can never believe one word he has to say.
Maybe your mum is frightened of him, and fears what might happen if she ever left him, maybe you can fill us in about this, however there are ways for her to do this, all you have to do is ask, but that isn't the question you have asked, NO it's not wrong if you don't want to patch things up with him, because if I was in the same position, there is no way I would.
He probably has lied to your mother, he has been in prison many times, fathered a child outside their r/ship, things have gone missing, so no no and no, he will renege on any hand-shake or agreement, he can not be trusted in seeing your g/friend, so please don't. Geoff.

[Anythinggoes]

Thanks Geoff, thats reassuring.

yes i suspect that she is scared of the outcome if they were to separate. This is something ive tried to discuss with her but she assures me that shes happy in the relationship, yet at the same time says she wouldnt care if he left. Its certainly a difficult situation to navigate.

[geoff]

hi Anythinggoes, I would be planning on taking her away but if this happens, then phone numbers, sim cards, bank accounts and possibly name changes need to be altered.
From what you say I think your mum wants to be free but needs help, I'm sure he has taken all her valuable jewelry and pawned it all.
Your mum is only pretending to be happy I'm sure of it, she is frightened of him and will do anything he says, that's no way for your mum to live. Geoff.

[MissMySon]

Hi there,

I think Geoff is on the money,

You have every right to be wary of this guy, and I believe he is the isolator, keeping your mum from living a normal life. Career crims are generaly sociopaths, so any "TALKS" with him are bound to be futile, so don't engage

I hope your mum can find strength and determination, and reclaim her freedom

[Croix]

Dear Anythinggoes~

It looks like everyone responding to your post is in agreement, Geoff, MissMySon and I all feel your mother is in an abusive relationship and that you would serve no useful purpose in trying to make things up wity your mother's partner.

From what you have written your mother appears to be in a very common trap. If she in in a long term relationship and her partner is abusive, controlling, unfaithful and in constant trouble with authorities it seems a bit of a no-brainer she should leave.

Sadly things may not appear that way to her. She may be frighted of this person, She may think at her stage in life she has made her bed and should just lie in it, blaming herself. She may perhaps feel that he is the best she can do after being treated so badly for so long . In all probability she thinks it is impossible to get out of the relationship and would be frightened of all the practical difficulties and then of being all on her own.

So what to do? Firstly I too see no point in trying to be on good terms with this person. This will simply encourage him and enhance his power. It will also make you feel bad about doing it. As MissMySon says it is futile.

Secondly you have discussed her leaving and had her refuse. As an adult she is in charge of her own life and decides what she is going to do. The fact you can see all the problems, and no doubt think her reasons for staying are wrong, is not much help.

If your mother ever changed her mind it would be different. There are organizations that will give practical help and advice to people in her situation. It would be difficult for her - but possible. With your (and your GF's) help it would be that much easier.

So at this stage until things change it may be up to you to have some sort of juggling act, keeping your relationship with your mother whilst avoiding her partner.

Does your mother have anyone she respects or listens to? Perhaps another family member? I suspect that some mothers might not always be comfortable talking over their personal problems with their sons. Maybe persuasion from someone else might be more effective.

We would really like to know how what you decide and how you get on

Croix