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What is wrong with me

Johnthefisherman
Community Member
I constantly feel like I am walking on eggshells in life in general .in my relationship and it’s hard to write this ,I’m nervous. I love my fiancé very much but there are elements that are hurting me a lot and affecting me seriously.she is never intimate with me anymore only if I initiate but it’s rarely received.she wants to sleep alone 99% if the time in fact I do not get to sleep in her bed unless I ask .she has two children from a previous relationship that did not go well at all and every week has to watch her children leave which is really taking its toll on her.she sedates herself in the late afternoons with alcohol and can sometimes be nasty and dismissive when under the influence.she at one stage promised to have a child with me knowing that I would have loved to be a father but then changed her mind ,for logical enough reasons but at the end of the day it really hurt.within that same year well this year,I tested positive for the Huntington gene(high CAG) .my father has Huntington’s but it did not set in till he was in his 70’s as with any other relatives on his side so it is not actually a major worry in one way ,if I make it to 70 and THEN start to lose my mind I’m think I’m doin ok ,right? Most days I want to break down and cry and open up but I can’t I just seem to smoke cigarettes like a train and I find I can’t even socially interact with people properly anymore .i sometimes start to cry when driving to work it seems to be the only time I feel I can .on top of this I live 16000kms from my family in my home country .i need love and support from my partner but most of the time I feel like an inconvenience and it’s hard to open up to her now ,reading back on this I’m not painting her in the true light she is wonderful but certain aspects of her past life are destroying her and I want to help her and myself as well ,I’m just so deeply deeply hurt by everything in my life right now it’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. There you have it..advice would be welcome!
3 Replies 3

Forest_Critter
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi John, welcome to the forums.

First off, well done for opening up to us like this, we're all here to listen and help in whatever way we can, and are completely on your side. Also, I understand that your wife must be a lovely person, and it just seems the combination of all the badness happening right now makes the negatives stand out.

In dealing with a relationship issue, where you feel sad or dismissed at times, and are not coping the best way you can, I advise taking the best care of yourself that you can. With your family far away, and with some of these issues happening with your partner, I recommend doing whatever it is you need to do to make you happy in the healthiest way possible. Easier said than done. But it can be as simple as thinking about the things you like doing, and making time for them. Maybe you like basketball, or watching specific TV shows, or gaming, or anything else. Make time for you to enjoy what you really enjoy.

It does seem as though you have a lot of stress going on in your life, and for this I recommend seeing a psychologist or counselor. Not because you have a disorder or anything. But they may be very useful in helping you map out and develop a few strategies to cope better with what's going on. Once you've taken care of yourself, and are coping better with the stress, I would then move on to solving the issues with you partner.

You say there are aspects of her past life which are destroying her. It may be worth discussing with your counselor / psychologist some ways of helping her with these. It may not be your fault, but it is worth finding out what is on her mind, and maybe helping her will help solve some of the disconnection between you. It may be that the stress from other things causes her to feel isolated and withdrawn.

That would be fortunate to only have Huntington's begin in your 70s, however I recommend seeing a specialist in your early 50s to begin precautionary habits and learn exercises to fend it off as much as possible; maybe you can push it back to beginning in your 80s 😛

Overall, it sounds like you're really passionate about your relationship, which is why this is having such a strong effect on you. To sum up: I recommend taking care of yourself, then learning what you may be able to do to help, and then go from there.

I hope what I've said made sense. If you're comfortable sharing anything else, I'd love to listen and help.

Best,

- FC

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello John, and thanks for coming to us, so can I welcome you to the site.
There's no doubt you love your finance and sorry for how it seems to be turning out, however with her being in a previous r/ship, there could be some worry and that's why she wants to sleep alone, it would be disappointing because being close is something you are after.
By her drinking alcohol is certainly a worry also, as she doesn't behave as you would have liked, however she is doing this for a reason which you are not sure why the same applies to being initiate with you.
I have had to google 'Huntington’s' to see what it actually is, and I hope that it doesn't strick you if at all, you might be lucky, but alcohol may worsen any condition, so please be careful.
Firstly I suggest that you see your doctor and also that your finance join you or perhaps encourage her to see her own doctor and then referred onto a psychologist, as there appears to be something that is holding her back from her previous r/ship, something she might be frightened of which she hasn't told you about. Geoff.

Bethie
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi John

Speaking as a recovering alcholic and mum. I think it was me in her position I'd be scared to have more kids with seeing my current ones have to go back every week. Talk to her and ask her. That might be a reason she's not intimate as well. There's no doubt she loves you or she would be doing everything to push you away from her.

My Dad has a genetic form of leukamia carried on a extra Y chromosome so it only affects males. When i was pregnant with my son i found out that like his cousins he also carries the extra Y chromosome but it does not guaantee he will ever get leukaemia. Dad was diagnosed in his 70s and is now in his mid 80s and all men in his family have lived well into their 90s. With medicine and screening developing so fast nothing is ever set in stone.

Try to talk to your fiancae before she starts drinking. Alanon has meetings and a help hotline if that would help. It' for family and friends of people with alcohol issues and helps them set boundaries and understand the disease.