Mother In Law causing problems

[Reyna]

Hi Everyone,

I am having kind of a nervous breakdown because of my MIL. For about 3 years now she has been causing problems within our family and its even affecting my daughter so badly that she is chewing the insides of her mouth to the point where they bleed she is 3. Basically my main issue right now is we have tried to limit the amount of times we see her due to the affect her instability has on my daughter and my marriage. But when she hasn't seen us for two weeks she will start crying and getting upset and when we do things without her and put pictures on Facebook we get passive aggressive comments about how she would've like to have been there too. She has my father in law and brother in laws calling us and suggesting we buy her framed pictures of the kids and let her babysit them for us which we don't want to do because she never does what we ask we ant trust her.

It's got to the point that now every time my doorbell rings or the phone rings I freak out and suffer panic attacks worrying she is going to start some argument or say something to upset me. We had an argument a few weeks ago and we tried to get her to admit that her tears were all about wanting to see her grandchildren more but she wouldn't admit that it was about them, she just said it was about my husband not texting once a month even though we see them 2+ times a month.

Its my sons 1st birthday soon and I don't think I can handle it. Last time she came over (my daughters birthday) I was so nervous I had a terrible time, I felt sick my eyes kept blinking, couldn't make eye contact. Is it weak to say Im not up to it and make an excuse to cancel? I don't know how to handle all of this I am overwhelmed. I wonder if Im being brave accepting my limits or being weak by trying to skirt my responsibilities?

They live 5 minutes away from us and we keep seeing them everywhere we go there is no escape. I don't feel like I can relax anywhere. 

Thanks for listening anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

[Bubbles1983]

Hi everyone, 

Just seeking some support / advice from people outside the situation . 

 8 months ago I had a baby and we decided to have him christened last November . As soon as we mentioned the date we wanted my in laws kicked up a fuss because it was the same weekend as the cricket. They strongly suggested we change the date . I was insulted and offended by this but then it got worse. For some reason they believed that we did this deliberatly even though that is totally out of character for us . 

Sone texts were sent and there were a few nasty words between my husband and his parents . I chose to remain quiet as not to explode and say what I really thought but all the while was extremely upset about this silly situation.

They came to the christening and my mother in law ignored me the whole day . 

I am beyond angry and would happily now have nothing to do with them . I have always said they can see thier grandchild but they have to go through their son ( my husband ). They have made minimal effort and I have the feeling they want to sweep in under the carpet and move on with out apologizing or acknowledging they have done anything wrong .

Previously we had a great relationship and I can't quite make sense of anything . 

I'm seeing my GP for anxiety related to this situation and becoming a new mum. 

[pipsy]

Hi Bubbles.  If I had $1 for every complaint I heard re: IL's, I'd be rich beyond my wildest dreams.   Were they happy about the pregnancy?  Okay you've had the baby, a boy.  You've made some choices re: baby's future without consulting IL's.  You decided to christen him when they wanted to watch cricket.  Far be it for anything to interfere with cricket.  My dad was the same.  Now they won't talk to you.  Your hubby seems to be quite happy to let them carry on as they are, obviously he's used to their 'rubbish', he knows them.  Let them do whatever they want.  Don't let their petty grievances spoil what you, hubby and baby have.  The way they're behaving, they've chosen to distance themselves, let them.   The minute you 'pander' to their whims, they've got you where they want you.  You'll always have to fall over backwards letting them have their way.  You owe them nothing, you did nothing wrong.  It's your baby, you make the decisions.  They will never apologise because to them, they're the 'innocent' victims of a petty daughter in-law.  You and hubby know you're not that way.  Doesn't matter what they think.  You've got enough on your plate getting to know and raise your son.  Concentrate on him and hubby, treat your in-laws, as they treat you.  If they know they've hurt you, they'd probably say how weak you are.   If they contact, be polite, but firm.  Let hubby talk to them.  Let him field their complaints.  There aren't any, they're being selfish.   You've taken their son away, in their eyes, then you went and had a baby.  You had a great relationship before you had the baby, they're jealous because suddenly their son has his own family.  They're not number one any more.  Show them a united family, you, hubby and baby.  If they want to get to know baby, they'll soon soften, if they don't.  You've actually lost nothing. 

Concentrate on you, hubby and baby, that's what's important. 

[Bubbles1983]

Thanks for your reply . It's really helpful to get a perspective from someone who is not emotionally involved. 

They were very happy about the pregnancy and have wanted to always be involved but they also have a problem understanding boundaries and seem to want to influence everything their children do . 

I will definitely concentrate on my husband and son and try not to let petty drama from his family affect us too much ( even though it's hard sometimes ) . My husband is on my side and will always support our family which is really good . 

It's unfortunate that this has happened as like I said, we all had a really great relationship but I suppose these things happen and it's all a part of learning / life . 

Thanks again ☺️

[pipsy]

Hi Bubbles.  Happy I was able to guide you.  One thing I do want to point out, though, if IL's do come back into your life.  Make sure they understand, it's YOUR baby, not theirs.  If you want guidance make them realise, you'll do the asking.  The minute they think 'they know best, because they've 'been there, done that', it'll be, do this, baby prefers this.  In other words set boundaries and make sure they know the boundaries.  The above might not happen, hope everything does settle between you, but just be a bit careful till you're sure of them.  Let hubby deal with all grievances.  As I said concentrate on you, baby and hubby.    

[Mellies101]

Hi Tony WK,
 I'd been wondering if I was alone in having to cut off my mother. 

I've had 4 babies and developed perinatal depression with my first. It never really left me and had periods of being incapacitating. One of those times was when I had a miscarriage. When I sought help from my GP he said he didn't believe in PND. I've since found someone more understanding and am responding well to medication and am half way through a well being course run by MindSpot Clinic.

 Two months after the arrival of my last bub, my mum was staying with us when she let loose with such a tirade of abuse that I demanded she leave the house.

She has lived interstate for 20 years and would visit once or twice a year. Every visit she would proffer advice that each time seemed to get more judgemental. It got to the point that my husband and I would have to discuss strategies to rebuff her attacks. One of her most memorable attacks was after the birth of our 3rd child. She decided to ambush my husband when he arrived home from the birth. She then ambushed me the next day in my shared room at the hospital.

The straw the broke the camel's back was incident I first referred to that occurred after the arrival of our 4th. (Keep in mind that she'd relayed to me that she was pleased I'd miscarried my previous pregnancy as she believed I couldn't cope with another.) Whenever she visits she always tears through the house, washing everything in sight and taking over every task. I started making one of my son's a b'day cake while she was holding my just fed baby. The bub got a bit upset so she suggested she make the cake. I politely declined and received a look that would kill. I stood my ground and said I wanted to make the cake for my son. The next moment will be forever etched in my memory. She almost threw the baby at me, spitting out "Feed your baby!" and storming to her room. What followed was chilling attack on me personally, calling into question my mothering skills and my ability to run a household, my failure to buy a house, and my continued maternity leave ruining my career opportunities. I bit back and hit her with some home truths about her choice to live so far away and that she was in position to judge me and my life based on 2 days per visits. 

 I hadn't spoken to her for 3 years until late last year. She sent me a cheque with a letter the day after the incident but I didn't open it at the time, and was sent over-the-top presents but any written 'apology' never indicated regret for what was said, rather it was more about being sorry for the consequences and always came with a sting in the tail.

 I wasn't contacted by any of my mum's sisters or my grandma when I kicked mum out of my home. I wondered what story she told them. 

I kept reading about removing toxic people from your life but didn't quite know how to apply this to my own mother. I've had heaps of pressure put on me to reconcile with herbut this is from the family members who never contacted me to find out what happened or to check if I was ok. It was even suggested that I needed counselling!

I made contact with her last year when my daughter was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. I felt like I needed her. The contact resulted in a massive increase in my anxiety symptoms and general deterioration of my mental health.  

I've cut off contact again. It seems the rest of my family are judging me harshly without knowing the background or the extent to which she has damaged me. 
For my sake and consequently the sake of my family unit, I can't forsee a resolution involving me talking to my mum again. She has never really said sorry, nor explained where her attack came from and has never acknowledged the harm it caused me. It has strengthened my relationship with my husband and children but left me feeling isolated from my extended family. I've done lots of self-analysis and the pros of no contact with her outweigh the cons. It's tough but it's my life.

Melinda

[pipsy]

Hi Mellie101.  You've really had your share and everybody else's regarding (in this case, your own mother).  Was she always trying to tell you what to do, how to dress, look after kids, yourself etc?   Do you have siblings?  I had similar problems with my own mother (she's passed now, and 'no' we never reconciled).  I've had to accept that my mother's problems weren't mine, they were hers.  Perhaps your mum was the sort who had to have you immaculate 24/7 and can't bear that you don't have the same worries about 'what others think'.  How old is your mum?  As far as who she's told what to, try not to dwell on that, it doesn't really matter, because if you ever see her family again, they may realise that you're you, not a carbon copy of her.  I would hesitate considering a reconciliation because I feel you would be in for more of the same abuse.  My mum wouldn't actually talk about me to anyone, my rellies would ask how I was, but she changed the subject.  After she passed, my connection with them started because they realized she had mental health issues.  Not saying your mum does, please don't think that.  I feel she is jealous because you're capable of doing what you're supposed to without getting into a 'flap'.  My mum was the type who got upset, hysterical very quickly, I'm not, but I think she wanted me to, so she could say I did.  Did your mum know you'd fed your baby?  She seems to be constantly trying to undermine your abilities so she can basically say 'I told you so'.  I think you're going to have to keep your distance till you are strong enough to ignore the rubbish.  As for the family, like I said, by the time you see them, you'll be able to show them how capable you are.  If you want to contact them, go for it, but say nothing regarding your mum.  The less you say concerning her and her behaviour, the better for you.  Just tell rellies things are great, you kids are fine as is hubby.  By the tone of your letter, they will see you're not whatever mum said you were.

I would discuss with hubby whatever you decide, hopefully, he'll realize your mum is causing you distress and he will be there for you. 

[Bubbles1983]

Hi again , 

So after nearly 5 months of minimal contact / speaking , my in laws approached us to ' discuss ' what happened etc and basically blamed us for everything . They took no responsibility for thier actions and found a way to turn everything we said around so that it was our fault .    

My mother in law denied saying things that both of us heard. She has a complete victim mentality and tbere is always someone else to blame . Most of what was said by her made no rational sense and there was no way of even attempting to get her to understand anything . When  we brought up things she said that were blatantly rude and she couldn't deny saying it - she remained silent . She basically wants us to suck up to her which we will not do . 

My husband and I both recognize that she has no insight and can not be reasoned with . I really have no idea how to handle this apart from focusing on my husband and son. Other people in my life who have behaved in this way ( playing the victim ) I have cut off and am happier for it as I don't need the drama . I have a husband and son to think of now though so I need to be careful . 

Any advice appreciated !! 

[pipsy]

Hi Bubbles.  Nice to hear from you again.  Put bluntly, you have a narcissistic MIL.  I'm sorry you've had to find this out, it must be very hard on hubby, she is, after all, his mum.  She won't back down because she can't see the problem.  Narcissist's are incapable of accepting responsibility for their actions, they blame everyone else for the problems.  There is an article you can download which will tell you more about the personality.  With hubby, everytime he has contact with her, she will play the victim and possibly the martyr.  Once you understand the personality, you'll know how best to treat the problem.  Minimal contact is a good idea, hubby though will need to understand what he is up against in order to know how to talk to her, if he decides to talk to her.  Your FIL has to defend her, he lives with her and has been with her so long, he can't see anything wrong with her behaviour.  Try not to discuss with your hubby unless he wants to.  As I said, he is her son and blood being thicker than water, even though he is aware how unreasonable she is, he may still defend her out of loyalty.  I think it's a good idea for you to have minimal contact.  Try not to involve your son either.  He's too young to be in the middle.  If hubby wants to take son to visit g'parents, ask him to keep it fairly short. 

Best wishes and hugz for a difficult journey.  Read up on narcissism though.  The more you know and understand, the better.

[pvroom]

Wow, I feel that I've found my tribe in this thread. In my case it's my own mother, not my mother in law. But reading a lot of the above comments has made me realise how OK it is to feel the way I do. I have been establishing boundaries by saying NO to my mum for almost a year and yesterday was the first time she accepted my 'no' without any response or trying to manipulate me. I was stunned. So while I'm hopeful that maybe things could change, I'm also realistic that a narcissist doesn't really change.

Like someone else mentioned, I experienced total bliss when I cut her off for a period of 2-3 years. No drama in my life and I felt calm. I let her back in, when I thought maybe she'd changed, but since then it's gotten progressively worse, and particularly since I had my son almost a year ago. She regularly tells me I'm doing things wrong, says he is her child too, and it's tough. I don't want to be cruel and cut her off, but I honestly worry sometimes about how far she will go.

I think it was John who talked about watching his daughter as a parent and wishing he could give her advice, and how restrained that is to not do it. My parents in law are like this - it is really appreciated by me John, and I'm sure your daughter appreciates your restraint too. No one wants to be told what to do as a parent, it's hard enough as it is.

I really am glad to have found this little tribe of people who get it! So many people meet my mother and think she's lovely, but they don't realise she is manipulating them to think so!

[john_112]

Heya reyna ,I'm hearing ya. My mother in law ,,,let's just say its been a hard 10 years but now she's crazy .to much .were in Perth she's from south west .my partner backs her mum regardless.its getting to much causing allot off arguing in our home I just don't know what to do.:(