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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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white knight Grandparents- step back and enjoy
  • replies: 0

This thread is a gamble for me. I'm not a grandparent. So, what would I know? But this is my view. As parents we rightly have controlled our children, all the things that come from raising a child. Unfortunately this "control" with some parents doesn... View more

This thread is a gamble for me. I'm not a grandparent. So, what would I know? But this is my view. As parents we rightly have controlled our children, all the things that come from raising a child. Unfortunately this "control" with some parents doesn't lessen as time goes by and they find themselves without any control when their children get to late teenagers. This can be frustrating for parents. But worse is to come for some, for when these children get to their late 20's or 30's and have children of their own, these parents that still desire control, the same level of control they demanded when their children were....well, children, the child reacts. By this time the now adult child should be in control fully of their own lives, their home, their rules and ......their own children. However, time and again I've seen in my own life grandparents mingling into private affairs of their own children. Often this flows over to how they are bringing up their grandchildren. This is a no go zone in my opinion, unless invited. Xmas 2010. My mother in her late 70's attended our home where my sister and collectively our 4 children would enjoy a good time. My nieces, for xmas gifts received a laptop and the other some computer games. They were 16 and 14yo. My daughter (21)got some clothing. My mother spent xmas morning walking from one grandchild to the other complaining that "at my age I would never have got such expensive presents" and "I don't know what it is nowadays when parents spend so much on their children for xmas" and finally "you cant afford that much to spend on stupid gifts". See the interference? And what of the grandchildren? Well they despised her. For the record the nieces got her a laptop ($600) because her mother combined her birthday and xmas together. The item was also an educational tool for her VCE the following year. All the other gifts were along the lines of normal gifts. But my comments here are going along the road of justification. We as parents do not need to justify anything, they are our children and my parents had their days of being parents and making their own decisions in their day...its our time now not theirs. By the way, I was 54yo at the time. Grandparents have a role in the family structure. It's one of showing concern, to love and guide. They are not there to make or object to decisions made by parents and not there to make grandchildren feel guilty. Step back and enjoy. Your thoughts? Tony WK

Lily48 Estranged adult child
  • replies: 4

It's been almost a year since our adult daughter decided to reduce drastically contact with us. This was a result of a difference of opinion between her father and her male partner. Her reaction to what he told her was said seems disproportionate. In... View more

It's been almost a year since our adult daughter decided to reduce drastically contact with us. This was a result of a difference of opinion between her father and her male partner. Her reaction to what he told her was said seems disproportionate. In addition, where we had close and regular contact with her two daughters, our daughter will not allow them to visit us. I have experienced the five stages of grief and loss and now have reached a degree of acceptance that things will not change in the foreseeable future. I have tried texting, emailing, asking what she needs for us to heal this rift, but it seems there is no chance of reconciliation with her father. While she doesn't want any contact with him, I get an occasional phone call or email, but the loss of close contact with my grand-daughters is heart- breaking.

Paperbark My wife and I are splitting up, she says my drinking was partly to blame
  • replies: 7

I have been married for 15 years to my lovely wife and we have decided to separate. I turned to drinking when our first child was about 2. I turned to drinking because I guess my wife's attention was not on me, it was on my daughter. My childhood was... View more

I have been married for 15 years to my lovely wife and we have decided to separate. I turned to drinking when our first child was about 2. I turned to drinking because I guess my wife's attention was not on me, it was on my daughter. My childhood was not the best and was constantly teased by my father calling me names and my mother acting like a hardened criminal. So it was one or two at first and now it's at around 7-10 per night. I drink because it makes my happy and it takes my mind of things at hand I don't drink during the day and always wait for the kids to go to bed. If I go out to the club for dinner or an event I don't drink, I don't have the desire to drink. I could go months without drinking felt like crap because i wanted to be happy and then I'd start again. Now after many years my wife and I are splitting up, she says my drinking was partly to blame and I do agree with her. When I am at work I'm happy laugh with others and carry on but its like I have a different personality when I get home, I close off and don't talk and get cranky at the kids at the touch of a hat. I don't think I've really had a good conversation with my kids and I do love them very much. I don't have many friends and don't socialise very much I just seem to close off from other people. I had stopped drinking for months until my wife and I decided to separate. Now I have started drinking again on and off to take away the pain and forget about our relationship break up. I have stopped drinking again, because I need to come to terms with my break up. My sleep is almost none at the moment but I'm still closed off I feel really depressed and others at work have noticed my change in behaviour it's like I'm bringing home to work, I've lost weight, I suppose that's not a bad thing for me as I'm a bit over weight since I started drinking.

Robert79 Marriage Breakdown
  • replies: 3

I have been separated now for 7 months. I have been able to have constant contact with my 2 children who are 4 & 1. I have recently been seeing someone who I have grown to love and don't think I could be apart from. Now that my wife has found out, sh... View more

I have been separated now for 7 months. I have been able to have constant contact with my 2 children who are 4 & 1. I have recently been seeing someone who I have grown to love and don't think I could be apart from. Now that my wife has found out, she has threatened to take my children and move away. I have been diagnosed with severe depression due to previous life events. I am fearing the worst and don't really know what to do.

Simona When The World Is Not Enough
  • replies: 4

It just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I should be happy or at least satisfied to a degree but it is never enough. I have three healthy children (7,10,16) , a hard working partner of 13 years who is proudly running his own business and keeping me in... View more

It just doesn't seem to matter anymore. I should be happy or at least satisfied to a degree but it is never enough. I have three healthy children (7,10,16) , a hard working partner of 13 years who is proudly running his own business and keeping me in my labels. I truly don't know where I belong in this forum...I think I'm mostly anxious/melancholic.He is still crunching numbers after 10pm in his office and he has a bad stomach too now plus excess weight. The business is just consuming him and yes I understand being busy is good but at the end of the week there is nothing left for us as his family because he is too tired or just wanting to do his own thing which is mainly gaming or texting on his iphone smiling? and lying on couch. And there is no family holidays. Last one was 3 years ago. I will add that he has told me that the main reason he doesn't go anywhere with us is because he can't stand Master 10's behaviour and it always ends up in an argument.We never go anywhere together as a couple. Only Aldi or Safeway or to bank and café to discuss finances or...the children. It is not his fault. It is the only thing we can talk about otherwise we are just sighing over our coffee.I miss our old life together. We were never great romantics but there was something there like his interest and motivation to do something together. These days it is me and the children mostly and as much as my partner and I love one another our relationship is like a very long business transaction. He provides me with money but not his presence being tired/busy or just plain unavailable. He takes calls all the time and uses big words I don't understand and talks of people I don't know like they are close friends of his.Meanwhile, I have the children or the hair salon. Or the check-out operators at the supermarkets. Mostly I'm alone which isn't entirely a negative because I write poetry, short stories and sell on Ebay. And how can I put this last? - I keep the house clean and organize the cushions on the couch so it looks perfect. I take great pride in my house-keeping skills and I enjoy it.Sometimes I just get a little frightened. There must be more than this. I am well dressed, fit and healthy (big on paleo and I don't touch alcohol, drugs or any medication). I'm not ready to resign/give up. I don't to die feeling like this but not ready to grow old either. I really hope I didn't ramble. Feel better now for unloading anyhowbeyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Art_Addict Attempting to Date whilst Dealing with Depression and Addiction
  • replies: 2

Hello! Im Kate and I am have lived with depression and an addictive personality my entire life. Im 31 and only overcame and eating disorder that i'd had since age 12. I found myself in a low place in my mid 20's, met a man who took advantage of my vu... View more

Hello! Im Kate and I am have lived with depression and an addictive personality my entire life. Im 31 and only overcame and eating disorder that i'd had since age 12. I found myself in a low place in my mid 20's, met a man who took advantage of my vulnerability and we married. I left him 2 and a half years ago and he stalked me for 2 of those. Because of this I developed post traumatic stress, was unable to work and to this day whenever im stressed I get a tremor that I use alcohol to cover. To the outside world I may seem successful as an ex dj and now artist but the reality is I've never felt more lonely and isolated in my life. Men seem to find me attractive but either I pick the wrong ones who either have their own problems that they are in denial about, they are men who want to prey on my vulnerability, or mostly they are men who like me up until they discover the reality of my past and the conditions I live with. Im going through one of the worst months of my life, im so lonely that all I want is a boyfriend to hold me and fill the void...........How do you go about having a healthy relationship when you yourself aren't vs dealing with so much emotionally and mentally that you're not strong enough to do it on your own. I miss being held, and as great as having a friend give you a hug its not the same as someone romantic. This is not a post soliciting for dates, please understand. I'm just really curious how others living with conditions like mine go about screening people or surviving this mental battle on their own?

melissam76 The narcissistic matriarch
  • replies: 4

My kind, sweet, gentle mother in law has shown her true colours and slipped up by documenting her hatred for me. I am losing my family, my job (i work for her) my home, my confidence, my strength, my faith. She has broken me. I am in the process of s... View more

My kind, sweet, gentle mother in law has shown her true colours and slipped up by documenting her hatred for me. I am losing my family, my job (i work for her) my home, my confidence, my strength, my faith. She has broken me. I am in the process of seeking help and guidance but I am struggling to keep it together

Lookingforpeace Trust
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone I know this is a non-judgemental forum otherwise I wouldn't be posting this but here goes. Ive been married for 4 years. For about two and a half of those years, things were great. We had intimacy, trust and security, had fun together and... View more

Hi everyone I know this is a non-judgemental forum otherwise I wouldn't be posting this but here goes. Ive been married for 4 years. For about two and a half of those years, things were great. We had intimacy, trust and security, had fun together and our home was our haven. Yes we had our moments like every relationship but overall I was happy. Then my husband started a new job and became miserable, day in and day out. Even on holidays or weekends he wasn't able to relax or be happy. He started to drink, then ultimately started to lie to me about where he was and how much he had to drink. There was little to no intimacy left in our relationship. Im ashamed to say that when this was at its worst I started an emotional affair with a colleague. There was never any physical cheating, but nevertheless it was the kind of relationship I wouldn't want my husband to know about. That's over now but I still have guilt about it. Now, I have serious trust issues with my husband and catch him in a lie every now and then. Nothing major but I just hate that he lies to me. In the meantime, my first love has come back into my life and we've struck up a friendship. I find myself falling back in love with him. He's married now too but I can't help fantasising about a life with him. My husband has no idea that I have this friendship. Of course I see the hypocrisy. I hate that he lies to me and yet I am lying to him too. I don't want to lose the friendship with my ex but I fear that if I tell my husband he won't want me to continue the friendship, or he will notice my feelings for my ex. Part of me wants to stop lying because I loathe it and I want the trust back, the other part of me wants to leave my husband. Part of me blames him for the loss of trust and the other part feels so guilty and ashamed. I am just so confused.

wanted_a_simple_life I wanted a simple life
  • replies: 2

We had everything going for us, beautiful family, financially set up and lived in an amazing house near the beach then........... My wife said to me after going away for a girls weekend, that she has been unhappy for 6 years. I suspected she had met ... View more

We had everything going for us, beautiful family, financially set up and lived in an amazing house near the beach then........... My wife said to me after going away for a girls weekend, that she has been unhappy for 6 years. I suspected she had met someone as she seemed to switch off. She moved away quickly with the kids and told everyone untruths about me as a husband. I wasnt perfect, but not who she made me out to be. Well 7 months later, the truth is out, she did meet someone on the girls weekend and have been in contact ever since. She made him known to my kids a few weeks after meeting him and they recieved christmas presents from him. They were with her when she slept together for the first time on a weekend away, some 2 months after they met. I found out they got engaged 2.5 months after they met and planned a life together. All this time she maintained the unthruths about me and kept the engagement hidden from her family and most of her firends. We even had marriage counselling but she never dislosed anything to the counsellor. They broke up recently and he made contact with me and revealed the whole truth about the situation and provided evidence to support his claims. All through this my kids watched thier mum lie to people and helped her cover up her situation. She tells them lies about me which has distanced them from me. I find that unfair. All the way through this, many people suspected what was going on, but now we know the truth and I feel better, but does not change the facts and I miss my kids dearly. More has come out about her kissing other guys and I feel horrible that she has done this to me. I never cheated on her or physically abused her or the kids. I think she is seeing a counsellor and have heard they said she has major issues to deal with. The other day she said that she realises she has hurt me and the kids. I feel sorry for her but hate whats she has done. I want to move on cause I deserve better, but find it hard to....

BBUser72 Life can be a little unfair....
  • replies: 4

Hello friends, I just wanted to share my personal struggles with depression. I feel like I have it under control with regular exercise, eating right, keeping to a routine, making sure I do not get myself in stressful situations, staying in my job and... View more

Hello friends, I just wanted to share my personal struggles with depression. I feel like I have it under control with regular exercise, eating right, keeping to a routine, making sure I do not get myself in stressful situations, staying in my job and hanging around positive people and friends. I find a huge part of my depression is situational. I struggle a lot with rejection because as a child, I'd lost relations with family to disputes. Not from me personally but from others and being caught in the middle. I had this girlfriend who eventually found it more enjoyable to hang out with people she barely knew. Over time, this took a huge toll on me and my depression. Eventually we broke up and it took me a long time to find myself and get better. After a while, I found myself another really nice girl. She had so much baggage with finances and bad debt that it put a real toll on our fairly new relationship. Eventually it got too much and started causing cracks and eventually broke us up. Again this was something I struggled dealing with. My closest brother no longer wanted anything to do with me. I was completely surprised by this because I always looked up to him and loved him very much. I decided to space myself from him because it was getting me down so much, later to find he has been pretty nasty towards my parents. Probably a good decision on my part but still hurts. After all this rejection, I eventually came to terms with everything and found myself on a real even ground. I was no longer angry or emotional about it. Felt I was back in control. I met this really lovely girl who I couldn't believe we had so much in common and were on the same level. I must admit, I fell in love. (I know I talk about these girls like im meeting them easily but they are quite a few years apart. I tend to take a time out, recharge before I get back on the shelf). We started dating for a few months and obviously the relationship became physical and planning for the future was spoken about. One day, she asked me about my family so I calmly discussed some of the issues and the fight I had with depression. I didn't get emotional or angry, I was very happy at that stage in my life so felt comfortable talking about it. I didn't think much of it but noticed she was acting a little bit funny. I asked if she was ok and she said she felt a little uncomfortable. I apologised and said nothing to worry about. The next day, she dumped me. Its been tough.....