My wife and I are splitting up, she says my drinking was partly to blame

[Paperbark]

I have been married for 15 years to my lovely wife and we have decided to separate.  I turned to drinking when our first child was about 2. I turned to drinking because I guess my wife's attention was not on me, it was on my daughter. My childhood was not the best and was constantly teased by my father calling me names and my mother acting like a hardened criminal. So it was one or two at first and now it's at around 7-10 per night. I drink because it makes my happy and it takes my mind of things at hand I don't drink during the day and always wait for the kids to go to bed. If I go out to the club for dinner or an event I don't drink, I don't have the desire to drink. I could go months without drinking felt like crap because i wanted to be happy and then I'd start again. Now after many years my wife and I are splitting up, she says my drinking was partly to blame and I do agree with her. When I am at work I'm happy laugh with others and carry on but its like I have a different personality when I get home, I close off and don't talk and get cranky at the kids at the touch of a hat. I don't think I've really had a good conversation with my kids and I do love them very much.  I don't have many friends and don't socialise very much I just seem to close off from other people. I had stopped drinking for months until my wife and I decided to separate. Now I have started drinking again on and off to take away the pain and forget about our relationship break up. I have stopped drinking again, because I need to come to terms with my break up. My sleep is almost none at the moment but I'm still closed off I feel really depressed and others at work have noticed my change in behaviour it's like I'm bringing home to work, I've lost weight, I suppose that's not a bad thing for me as I'm a bit over weight since I started drinking.

[Jacko777]

Hi Paperbark,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I'm sorry to hear all this mate.

I really think you should get some help mate, so you can have some clarity about your relationship with your wife and your children. If you are not sleeping, feeling depressed and drinking on and off I think you could benefit from some professional support. I am glad you can stop drinking when you know you need to. It sounds like your relationship with your parents has affected you deeply, it does with most of us of course, maybe with support you could see this in a different light and it might help you to change your response to your own kids.

You could start with a visit to your GP or find a psychologist/counsellor in your area, what do you think?

Talk any time

Jack

[Paperbark]

Hi Jack,

Today I have taken the first step in getting help and making a doctors appointment.  I am also looking into finding a psychologist/counsellor I'm my area.  I really want our relationship to work and I know it's not going to be an easy fix and I know that it might take some time but I'm hoping my partner will stick around and hopefully get some help as well as she too is feeling depressed. I will keep you posted and hopefully there is a good outcome.

[geoff]

dear Paperbark, hi and great to be able to join us.

Your story reflects on exactly the same situation as what happened with me, other members wouldknow what I'm going to say, but as your new I will repeat it again.

Drinking alcohol was my catalyst to try and numb my depression, and at this stage I had thrown in my own self employment business, and was at home, so my drinking started from when I got up until I went to bed, eventually my wife left me a few times, but when I was at home she again left me and then finally divorced me, because of my drinking as well as she couldn't help me any more with my depression, and wanted to get away from the whole situation, however we still talk and see each other.

There is medication which will help you not to drink, it takes away the desire or want, but there is a catch, it will only work if you really want to stop drinking, otherwise it's a waste of time and money,but you can google what type of medications these are.

I don't really blame my wife (ex) for doing this, but we had been married for 25 years and she was my first love, so it was a shock to me.

When you don't drink is this because you want to please your wife or you just don't feel like drinking, because the difference between these two is quite different, so I would be interested to know, because it seems as though the former carries more weight.

Can I ask you and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but is there any chance the two of you could becoming back together, because again this would carry an enormous issue here.

Hope to hear back from you, because it's the same as I was. Geoff.

[Jacko777]

That's terrific news Paperbark. Yes it will take some time and it might not be easy however it's better than letting these things fester. Along the way, take satisfaction from knowing that you have taken action, you have got the ball rolling and you are on a new journey towards happiness. I hope your partner sticks around too, communicate with her so she knows you are giving it your best shot. I'm really proud of you mate.

Jack

[Paperbark]

Hi Jack and Geoff,

Today I saw the doctor and he has put me on some antidepressants which I hope will help.  He also gave me numbers for counsellors in the area which will also help.  Geoff you asked me if there was any hope of us getting back together, well I asked her to think about it and she has made her decision no, I don't blame her and she has told me that she has shut me out for years.  I hoped that after a couple of weeks or months she might have turned around but she said she does not want a relationship with anyone.  So it's time to move on and find bigger and greener pastures.  I will hurt but in the long run it is best for both of us

cheers

[Jacko777]

Well I am glad you have seen the doc Paperbark and I hope you keep moving on this and get in to see a counsellor. I'm sorry to hear what your partner has said, that would be hurtful and i hope you can find the time and space to let your emotion out as you need.

Time to move on, as you say. With support from a counsellor you can make some fresh personal plans for your mental health, you can be the person you want to be and get closer to your children. Set the example. All the best mate, you can talk here any time.

Jack

[geoff]

dear Paperbark, well there is some good and not all that good news.

I'm pleased that you are starting antidepressants (AD), but as time progresses you may want to ask some questions about how you feel from taking them.

Can I personally say as much as I loved and still love my wife or ex, but getting divorced was the best thing that happened for me, although I never wanted it to happen, but my life did change, I stopped drinking all day and now only drink socially, and now my life has changed a complete circle.

We both still talk and I would crack jokes which always made her laugh, plus we still see each other at our son's home, kiss and cuddle still, so the love is still there, which is what I wanted to happen, however I don't like it when she brings her male friend as they live together, and if this does happen I will avoid going.

I know that if I had a girlfriend who was living with me she would feel the same, but I don't, I just live with my little dog Moo-Moo.

Please stay on the site and keep in touch. Geoff.