Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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ResIpsa Broken
  • replies: 1

It is how I feel at the moment - totally broken. Typing this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a very strong minded person, highly educated and in the past have been able to deal with things as they arose, especially relationships. I dated ... View more

It is how I feel at the moment - totally broken. Typing this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a very strong minded person, highly educated and in the past have been able to deal with things as they arose, especially relationships. I dated a women for a year - I truly loved her and I expressed this to her, which is something I never did with any other. Unfortunately for the relationship, there were so many cultural barriers (especially upbringings) that caused communications between the two of us to always break down. It was so frustrating because I would spend so much of our time together trying to explain something I said that she completely misinterpreted. It wasn't her fault and I never blamed her. It made me appreciate her more. We were so alike personality wise (both problematic personalities - but we understood each other) that I enjoyed every moment around her and wished nothing more than to hear her voice and have her by my side. I got to the point where all I wanted to do was see her - this is the second problem. I pushed the relationship too hard at the beginning and this with the problem above... well... I screwed things up. In the process I lost sight of my life. Never did I take the same approach in previous long term relationships (3+ years and I am in my mid to late 30s) - in fact in previous relationships I was totally care free. She suffers depression and so do I and this too had an impact on the relationship - at times we held each other's problems against each other and cultural barriers only worsened things when we tried to talk it out. One day and out of no where she told me that long term the relationship would not work and she made the decision that we should break up. Least to say, inside I was S-M-A-S-H-E-D to pieces. I was lost for months until a few months later we got back together, but, again, she made the same decision. Skip forward sometime and she was out of the front of my mind and I really started to get my act together and set new goals. I never wanted to be with another women because she was always at the back of my mind when I got close to one. Anyways... skip forward some more time and one day I saw her - we just stared at each other, but I continued on as if nothing happened. I started to think about her more as the days progressed then she plagued my mind for some weeks until..... I called her and arranged to meet up (I am a persistent person)- the worst thing I could have done. We met a few times and I tried to get her back... she rejected and I made a total fool of myself by using foul language as response to her decision (I know - this is totally unacceptable and culturally inappropriate, but the thought of not being with her killed me inside and I froze up). All I can do is think about her. I took up smoking after having quit for a long period of time, lost total interest in my job, any hobbies etc. I sabotage any positive thoughts of moving on or moments where I try to regain traction by focusing on my job etc. To this day I cannot comprehend, not so much the relationship, but why I am so attracted to her and why I cannot stop thinking about her. I can't think, concentrate (meditation does not work) and everything I do seems to remind me of her. I constantly think of the moments we spent together - her beautiful voice, face and body and more importantly her mind. This incomprehension is tying me up - I feel like I am stuck in a coffin. I want to forget her, but I don't want to. I want nothing more than to have her back, but I know it will never be possible. I just want to move on, but I am stuck and broken down. Forgetting was never an issue in the past, but it's something I refuse to do in the present - with her. Please help me.

joe_banana No joy in mudville
  • replies: 2

Once again i am battling my demons . here i am at 3 in the morning cant sleep . i am feeling very low at the moment . feel like there is no love for me . feeling worthless . i was separated 10 years ago . officially divorced for about 3 years . broug... View more

Once again i am battling my demons . here i am at 3 in the morning cant sleep . i am feeling very low at the moment . feel like there is no love for me . feeling worthless . i was separated 10 years ago . officially divorced for about 3 years . brought on by my ex wife . i moved here from America 16 years ago , with my Australian wife and baby twins . to make a better life for my family New York was tough . i was going backwards every year . doing a job a hated , it was a family business . i guess i was always discontent with the world . even at a young age , i felt this world was not for me . in my mid teens i started thinking of suicide. tho never got up the nerve . except for the night that i made up my mind that i was going to do this, at age 21. that night i had a call from a friend from high school , that i lost touch with . it freaked me out . well i put away the idea , but i still struggled with life . i am not always down , i still have fun here and there . i can still laugh at things , but a sadness hangs around . The thing getting me down at the moment is a lot of things . you see , ever since the split up , the pain i fell from not being with my kids is draining me . i try and see my kids every other weekend . then only as divorced parents know . its that tearful drive back home to nothing . now that wouldn't be so bad if you felt your kids loved you . but i don't feel the love . this past weekend i blew up at my oldest son . yes i was wrong . yes i jumped to conclusions . but when you are down , and you haven't seen your kids in a month ,[ because there mother has other things planned ] and you turn up to see them . and they cant be bothered to put down there computer games to come out and say hello . it hurts . when my son did come out .[ the 3 other kids i have, did not even bother] . i did not have kind words to say . this has been going on since we split . the kids where never phased by my leaving . they just carried on like it was nothing . i feel like i was replaced by computer games and the tv . there was a time that only 1 or 2 of my kids would go anywhere with me .my ex would not force the others to go with me . they where allowed to stay home and play video games . i watched my kids get fat , out of shape . learn nothing . it was killing me inside . i tried talking to them to many times about the amount of time they play . my 16 year old daughter has told my family in the U.S. i am a bad farther , ( we have very little communication these days) . she thinks i am a looser . and i feel like one . she is tired of seeing my miserable face . she thinks i am looking for sympathy . she had the nerve of telling my family in N.Y. this past summer .( we went as a family so my family could finally meet my kids) that i was being fake . she has not seen me smile or be happy in a while . so when we where back in N.Y. with my family , i was smiling i was happy for a while . she did not see what happened after i left them to go back to my place, once we got back to Australia .( i have also high anxiety at this time ). i got back to my place and it felt like i had a nervous breakdown . i could not stop crying , i could not stop shaking . thank god i had some medicine to take . i took enough to knock me out . and i feared the next day .the next week , i did not know how i was going to pull through . this lasted for a month till i was felling a little better this year alone i don't know how many days of work i have missed . i go through periods where i can function . then i have relapse into not being able to go to work . i have lost most of what i had . bad business decisions , being erratic, getting screwed by other people . has left me pretty much broke and broken . i am heartbroken , and the love that i would like to feel from my kids is not there . which makes me not want to go there and get rejected again . i went through that for 10 years being married to a woman that was mad at me most of the time . rejection is my middle name . you can only take so much . this has affected me to the point where i do feel worthless . i feel like no woman wants a man like me . i dont go out anymore , i cant look a woman in the eye . i walk with my head down . trying not to make eye contact . i have been alone now for 8 years . no girlfriends , no nothing . i feel like i have nothing to offer . there is a lot more that i am not putting down . it would sound like a soap opera of bad luck , sorry for jumping around with my story , its the way my brain is . Thanks for listening Vel

lostallhope my world has crashed around me and it just keeps getting worse
  • replies: 7

Hi guys, im new. . And needing some help. Let me tell you a little about me.last year my husband of 10 years dumped me over text message and moved out and on with a 16year old student of his. I was pregnant. This of course was devastating.. when I lo... View more

Hi guys, im new. . And needing some help. Let me tell you a little about me.last year my husband of 10 years dumped me over text message and moved out and on with a 16year old student of his. I was pregnant. This of course was devastating.. when I look back I feel numb thinking about it. Along with the seperation I lost my friends, my home, my pets and my self esteem. I eventually lost my pregnancy. So I took one day at a time in a very destructive manner (alcohol kept me going) not even 2 weeks after he left I was made redundant. I took time off to finish renovations and sell the house. After being in such a lonely marriage for so long I was able to move on pretty quickly and met a beautiful man, fell deeply in love. The trauma of the divorce and redundancy took a huge hit on my confidence and everytime I would go for a job interview I would have massive panic attacks and look like a fool, I was pretty much unemployable. After selling my home I moved into an apartment with the love of my life. He was my rock, my support, he kept me positive and made me incredibly happy. We went on 3 beautiful holidays and recently came back from a yachting holiday for my 30th birthday. I had run out of money from not working and this put alot of pressure on our relationship. I was eventually able to sit through an interview and secure a job! 4 weeks ago my landlord came to visit and decided to evict me, this feeling of yet again rejection and lonelyness and being scared came over me again and I spent days crying but having my solid strength by my side I had to keep reminding myself it will be okay, we were trying for a family and spent our nights planning our future.. I had to keep telling myself to be strong even if I need to find a new home for us. 2 days later while cooking dinner (4 weeks ago) the night before my first day at work my best friend and love of my life told me he was unhappy and I am not the one.. he packed up within 30mins and walked out the door.. gone forever. My past month has been endless tears, I have no family support no friends left, I had to sell my car and buy something smaller to be able to put fuel in my car and feed my cat. A bottle of wine a night and wrapped in a ball rocking myself to sleep is the only thing I've been capable to do. It took me 2 weeks to wash the dishes.. and my constant tears and phone calls begging for him to come back has ended in him blocking my number so I cant contact him at all. I went to work everyday telling myself that even though I have nothing left in my life I still have a job.. and nothing could possibly get any worse. Yesterday I got fired.ii have no energy left to keep going. Everything ive ever loved ive lost. I now am unemployed, alone, homeless, and empty. My family are not talking to me. I have no friends to help me and to reach out to. I have no confidence just a broken spirit, broken heart and perminant tears in my eyes. My cat who seems to be the only thing in my life thats stuck by has been diagnosed with feline aids and keeps having fits. I dont have money to take him to a vet, im struggling enough to feed him. It took me 9 months to get a job because i would have panic attacks and now im back in that place again. I want to give up.beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Bec_Luke loss and lonelyness
  • replies: 2

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend after a 11 month relationship and falling and opening up to him as he is the first guy I have only opened up to then it ended. Theses days its so hard as I dont have any friends so its hard to get out and d... View more

I have recently broken up with my boyfriend after a 11 month relationship and falling and opening up to him as he is the first guy I have only opened up to then it ended. Theses days its so hard as I dont have any friends so its hard to get out and do things when I dont have someone to get out with, theres not much around and I dont have a job but have recently done some voluntary work hope it will get me a job. So my days consist of being at home 24 7 or finding a job. Life is so lonely right now and I do want to meet new people but its hard to get out when I dont have that support or a friend to get out with. my ex and I are friemds I guess you can say, and I do live in his nans granny flat as its finacially stable and a good place for me to be at the moment. However when my ex and I hang out and he comes around I know who he talks to well a old friend from school who has a boyfriend who only has two friends and another girl who I dont know but says she is apparently an old friend. Like last nightwhen we were out having an hot chocolate he couldnt and cant not spend more than 5 mins off his phone texting constantly reguardless if were out or his at mine or where we are. Am I being a bit jealous or overthinking things too much. Im finding things just really hard to deal withnright now.

Queenie Marriage falling apart
  • replies: 10

My husband has suffered depression for about 8 years now. Unfortunately as time went by, I didn't handle it very well and struggled to cope. We began to create destructive cycles of behaviour which continually added to the stress and anxiety he was f... View more

My husband has suffered depression for about 8 years now. Unfortunately as time went by, I didn't handle it very well and struggled to cope. We began to create destructive cycles of behaviour which continually added to the stress and anxiety he was feeling, and made me lapse into jealousy and anger. I was jealous of everything he did outside of our relationship because I felt so physically and emotionally deprived and this jealousy was expressed in so many ugly ways (it is shamefully hard to admit this and I feel sick when I think of how much extra pain I caused him). He acted out against my possessiveness and the cycle continued. I had become a shell of a person, avoiding contact with my family and friends, and becoming increasingly bitter about life and work. I have recently asked him to leave our home in an attempt to break the cycle and he has moved in with our young adult children. After he left he sent me a text listing all the hurtful things I had said and done over the 25 years we have been together. While it hurt, it was the first indication he had given me of how he really felt about our relationship. I have realised that I should have sought help for what I think was also depression, and for managing my inappropriate reactions to his depression. I can see that I was a weight adding to what was already a heavy load for him and that even though I had been denying it, I was a major part of the problems in our marriage but he also must carry some of the responsibility. He has told me for a while now that he wanted to be alone but had never taken the step. I feel that the deliberate acts that resulted in me asking him to leave may have been a way of 'forcing the issue'. I am seeking professional help for my own depression now and working on my jealousy issues. I love him dearly and even in our darkest moments we did maintain some affection and closeness and I really miss holding his hand - especially at bedtime. I do not want our marriage to dissolve because before the depression we were a loving, strong, secure couple who had a great balanced marriage where we grew together but allowed each other's strengths to flourish. He was a wonderful husband and father and a great friend to me. I have always been so proud to call myself his wife and everyone knows how much I love him and enjoy being with him. Is there any hope for us?

Sara14 Lost the Love of my Life: Destined to be LONELY
  • replies: 1

Hi This is really hard but I am at a loss of what to do with myself anymore. My life changed in 2011 May when I met the man of my dreams and he soon became the love of my life. My life had turned around. He proposed August 2012 and we moved in togeth... View more

Hi This is really hard but I am at a loss of what to do with myself anymore. My life changed in 2011 May when I met the man of my dreams and he soon became the love of my life. My life had turned around. He proposed August 2012 and we moved in together that october. Things were wonderful we were planning our wedding, then March 2013 my fiancee went scuba diving which he did reasonably often but he never came home and the knock that I got at the door that day changed my life to what it is now. I dealt with the loss of my fiancee by picking myself up and continuing with my div 2 nursing course which I finished october 2013. I then got my first nursing job in a nursing home not far from home and its all been going well until my fiancees first anniversary came around. I thought I was okay and I thought I had dealt with it but apparently I am not that okay and not even a month after wards I have spoken to my boss and I am now having 6 months personal leave to grieve some more. I don't know if this is good or bad as its only been two days but I already don't know what to do with myself and I feel miserable. Do you ever get over something like this? I mean I am only 31 years old and have already lost the love of my life. Where do I go from here?

AUSSIEFMX Can someone please tell me if i am right or wrong
  • replies: 5

Gday it all started about this time last year when my wife left me after being married for four years things where not good for awhile and we went our own ways it took me awhile to get over it because i thought i stilled loved her but it was gone the... View more

Gday it all started about this time last year when my wife left me after being married for four years things where not good for awhile and we went our own ways it took me awhile to get over it because i thought i stilled loved her but it was gone then after being on a dating site for about seven months and meeting only three women i meet a very very special women who took my heart we where talking for about four weeks or more and then we met i new straight away that this was the one i have been looking for then over the next two months we where seeing other at least twice a week and things where starting to go well then just over a week ago she said that it was going to fast and needed some space it has been hard for as we where talking and texting each other everyday to now nothing she means the world to me there is so much pointing me to her and i dont want to loose her becuase i realy do love her i have never felt like this before my best friend and my mum has told me she isnt worth it because she still loves her ex which had done some bad things part of me says let her go and the bigger part just cant what do i do i think of her everyday and i hate my self becuase i want to spend the rest of my life with her is it not ment to be i live for her everyday i would die for her if it ment she had a second chance to live her life please someone help i love her so much

AbbyAjax My mother is a narcissist - will I be one too?
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am now discovering my mother may have been narcissistic, I had an abusive step father. I am now am now in my mid forties with two children. my question is what are the traits of the children of narcissistic parents? How can I be a better person... View more

Hi, I am now discovering my mother may have been narcissistic, I had an abusive step father. I am now am now in my mid forties with two children. my question is what are the traits of the children of narcissistic parents? How can I be a better person? How can I deal with my mother if I see her in the street? (she is not talking to me)

Sad79 I don't know who I am.
  • replies: 1

Hi, I had been married for 12 years and together for 15. I have found out that he has been unfaithful. For sometime we we fairly separate in most things that we done e.g he would go fishing for weeks. We have only had 2 holidays together (the last on... View more

Hi, I had been married for 12 years and together for 15. I have found out that he has been unfaithful. For sometime we we fairly separate in most things that we done e.g he would go fishing for weeks. We have only had 2 holidays together (the last one was our honeymoon) apart from a rare weekend away. The reason for the breakdown in his eyes is due to the sexual part of the relationship. We have 2 children 9&6 . I don't know even who I am, as I have always followed him and been a mother. I work full time to support us financially. We now live a long way away from my family as he wanted to move for work 4 years ago.

verysadlady My depressed fiance ripped our lives apart and I need support
  • replies: 13

Hi all I had the most amazing relationship with a wonderful man. We lived together, with my son and his son from previous relationships, a really happy family of four. I felt blessed and so so lucky that I had found my soulmate and we really cherishe... View more

Hi all I had the most amazing relationship with a wonderful man. We lived together, with my son and his son from previous relationships, a really happy family of four. I felt blessed and so so lucky that I had found my soulmate and we really cherished each other. Ours was always the house where the kids in the street would come to play. He was always the man who went out to cut the grass and help out the neighbours if they needed it. He was the world’s best father. He was the Partner and Dad who always put his family before everything. We were both each other's reason for living and could not stand to be parted from each other. We were engaged and were planning to get married in 2015 and both of us couldn’t wait. We would have done it already long ago if we had the money! For the sake of not making this a 10 page post, I will say that we came under enormous and prolonged stress in our lives, and he “snapped” and left me completely out of the blue with nothing more than a text to say he “could not do it anymore”. To add to the drama, him doing this left myself and my son with no place to live and I had no choice but to return to my family (that live a long distance away). We pretty much lost home, family and life overnight and all through it he was a cold, emotionless stranger. When I returned a few weeks later to pack up my furniture and belongings he was a broken man. He had hives all over him, he had chest pains, IBM, vomiting, constant crying. He was saying he wished he had not done what he did but he could not cope. I suggested he see a doctor. He did and he was diagnosed with a “breakdown” and depression . I wanted to come “home” and look after him, but for some reason he did not want me to. He insisted on being alone and I had no choice but to leave and go back to my family again. He started anti depressants and counselling and over a few weeks he went from being hostile and very cold to me, to realising that he was actually ill and had perhaps done the wrong thing. Two weeks ago he made the considerable effort of travelling to see me (a fair effort for him to make the flight and the drive when he’s depressed) to tell me that he regretted what he did and still loved me as much as he always did. He said he felt no emotions at all and this had confused him into thinking it was over between us. He realises now that it makes no sense for this to happen over a week in an otherwise happy relationship. He said he was very, very ill and needed to “sort himself out” and I have agreed to wait and offer him support. Now he has returned “home” and I am still on the other side of the country with my family. He has moved into a small apartment now and lives alone with just his son every other weekend. He is getting treatment, but he’s still in a bad way, to the point where I frequently feel worried. We are now talking almost every day but he is nowhere near as keep to speak to me as he used to be, which is very hurtful sometimes. Meanwhile as he builds a new life for himself that no longer really includes me or our family, I am staying with family with no real home of my own. All our stuff is in storage. My son is in a temporary school. I am supposed to be sorting us out to move back, but for work reasons the place I need to move to will be about three hours from him. He says he will visit every other weekend and we will build it from there. I hate the idea of starting a new life as a single Mum hours away from where we lived. I am so sad for the life we lost. Not just for me, but for my son who lost his "Dad" and "Brother" and the only life he really knows. Some days I feel full of hope. I feel like we love each other so much that we can find a way through this, and I know that he needs me to keep faith and hope in him to get through this illness. Other days I feel so angry. He has his home, he has his job, he has his son safely tucked away in his usual bedroom and his usual school; whereas me and my son lost everything in this and he can't even offer me any emotional support because he is too ill. We were a family and if he was ill I could have helped him and nursed him through it. Now I am supposed to leave, start my own life and start dating my own fiance long distance? It seems like he is asking a hell of a lot. I can't be angry though, because he doesn't know what he is doing or thinking. I feel very alone. Does anyone else have similar experiences?