Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Lone No friends or family
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, My story is a complex one. I have a family which I am estranged from for a number of years with no contact, they cut me off because I did not follow the culture & religion they wanted me to and as a result I have been battling complicate... View more

Hi everyone, My story is a complex one. I have a family which I am estranged from for a number of years with no contact, they cut me off because I did not follow the culture & religion they wanted me to and as a result I have been battling complicated grief, anxiety and depression. I rebuilt my life but I struggle with deep sadness under the surface. I love my new family & we are close knit. My daughter has got to the age where she is starting ask questions about her grandparents, and I don't know what to say to her, I just tell her they are in another world, it has made me fall into a sense of grief again. I don't have any friends and I feel like I need to start making them for some support, but I am introverted and not sure how to. I hope someone can give me some tips because I am sick of being alone. All the best everyone

Vrmmonter The magpie who won't leave home
  • replies: 3

We have a severe family problem that is looming for my wife regarding her brother and her mother. Her brother is a chronic magpie - a hoarder of what I can only describe as junk. It is almost a case of OCD I really think. He has been collecting this ... View more

We have a severe family problem that is looming for my wife regarding her brother and her mother. Her brother is a chronic magpie - a hoarder of what I can only describe as junk. It is almost a case of OCD I really think. He has been collecting this junk for at least 25 years, but in the past 15 years he has been living with his mother in the suburban family home. It has been getting steadily worse. The junk consists of old farm machinery, sheets of roofing iron, old washing machines, decrepit lounge suites, old cars and horse carts (he has a love for horses as well). He has been asked, pleaded, and cajoled to remove the junk by his mother for most of that time, but has just continued to bring it home. Some of it is for recycling though I do not know how much actually ever goes out. Her back yard is now completely full of this junk and it is creeping down the drive. In the past week or two he has been filling the front yard. His mother is 90 yo and can now barely get to her back door safely. Soon the path to her front door will be hazardous. This issue has never been truly pushed with him by his mother. He has destroyed her garden (once a joy), and she has lost all use of her outdoor property. She also has macular degeneration so is nearly blind. There is a looming problem if the property ever needs to be sold, if she needs to go into nursing home care, or when she passes away. She is quite healthy despite her eyesight problem, so this may be some years off still. My brother-in-law has refused to acknowledge that he has any sort of problem. My wife has tried to get him to visit a counsellor, but he refused, saying there was nothing wrong with him. He has recently purchased a house in a distant rural city, but has very limited income to be able to move, and there is no work in this town. At present my concern is what can we do to get him to talk with a counsellor or psychologist? It is a very pressing issue as he has placed his mother in a quite dangerous and anti-social situation. People cannot even park a car in her drive now (she lives on a rather busy road), so few visitors will go to see her. He does not even recognise that there is anything of concern about filling the property with his junk. His mother does not want to pursue any legal advice, counselling, or actions in regard to this problem. What can we do? How do we get him to seek help over these problems?

cookie11 Confused
  • replies: 2

Hey there. I have been feeling sad latey and not sure how to get out of my funk! I am married with 2 children a couple of years ago my wifes mother passed away, and recently we have been having major finacial difficulties, we have been trying to keep... View more

Hey there. I have been feeling sad latey and not sure how to get out of my funk! I am married with 2 children a couple of years ago my wifes mother passed away, and recently we have been having major finacial difficulties, we have been trying to keep positive however things just seem to be getting harder. My wife and I say as long as we have each other we are ok! Lately i am unsure about whether my wife really loves me or just the thought of me. We haven't had sex in nearly 2 years even though i have made many attempts. I feel like i dont want to be here any more however when i want to leave i think of my amazing kids and i cant do it. I got onto a forum like this and met a guy in the same boat, after chatting for a while he told me he discovered that he had feelings for men, this got me thinking and thought maybe its me thats sabotaging our marrage maybe im gay also, this just gets me so confused and also makes me sad that i am in a position that i cant get out off. Wow ive never said that out loud! i feel so anxious about my future finacially and physically, it seems like the edges of my world are crumbling. Thanks for letting me spew my thoughts A

CtrlAltDelete Feeling guilt over wanting to leave
  • replies: 4

Hi All, I previously posted about having issues with my partner of 10 years (see "Not sure if I can support him anymore"). Over the past few months, I have been seriously thinking of leaving him, but whenever I think about it, I just feel so guilty a... View more

Hi All, I previously posted about having issues with my partner of 10 years (see "Not sure if I can support him anymore"). Over the past few months, I have been seriously thinking of leaving him, but whenever I think about it, I just feel so guilty and it's driving me crazy. The thing that almost tipped me over the edge was the fact that I was really upset a couple of nights ago and I was crying. My partner came into the bedroom and asked if I've been crying. I told him yes and it was because whenever things seem to look up, it all comes crashing down again and I was sick of it. All he said was to get over it and just walked out and went on with whatever he was doing. The thing that gets me is that he constantly tells me that I'm not supportive enough and I've turned into a selfish b***h. He says I've changed and that I used to be such a nice girl. I think he's actually just missing the girl that would just agree with him and do what ever he wanted me to. It feels like he doesn't care at all about my feelings or opinions or even that I'm the one that's earning $$ to support both of us while he's at home. He's constantly telling me how lazy I am and that he does everything around the house. It's like he has selective memory because it's me doing all the running around paying bills, getting groceries, and on my days off, doing ALL of the housework so he can have a break. The main reason I feel guilty is because I know how hard he will have it financially and he has no other support apart from me. I also worry about how he'll cope emotionally. I'm scared of how things will be for both of us if I leave, but more scared of what will happen if I stay. I just feel so trapped. I've tried talking to him, but he just keeps telling me, to think about him and not be so selfish.

Dabra 22 year old son who won't get on with his life
  • replies: 2

My Partner and I are at a loss on how to deal with our son, he is living in Perth his his older brother, and we are in Tasmania. He moved over there about 18 months ago after a failed relationship, in which he was basically caring for a young child(n... View more

My Partner and I are at a loss on how to deal with our son, he is living in Perth his his older brother, and we are in Tasmania. He moved over there about 18 months ago after a failed relationship, in which he was basically caring for a young child(not his) while his partner worked. He said he wanted to study and move on with his life, so we paid for him to move to Perth, where he was adamant we would be able to study. He was staying with a friend for 6 months and then moved out to live with his elder brother. To cut a long story short, he still isn't working, he picks up occasional work fixing computer. We were initially supporting him until he turned 22 so he could apply for Newstart, he hasn't done that. He has been able to manage by himself pretty much since April, and only recently asked for money for rent, which he said he would pay back once his work picked up. he sends us messages saying he hates his life, he's s bad person, nothing he ever tries works, we've tried encouraging him, we are supportive, positive and do everything we can think of to motivate him, all to no avail. Everything we suggest he has an excuse for why it isn't right for him. He has blocked me on Facebook and mobile, he has been talking to his Dad on f/b but will not answer his phone. i just don't understand why he tells us how he is feeling and not expect us to want to help him. Before he moved to live with his girlfriend, he spent the last 18 months, pretty much doing nothing apart from gaming, hardly ever coming out of his room. He was for most of the time very negative, everything we suggested he would have a reason for why not. Counselling, GP's, courses everything we could think of. When he moved to be with his girlfriend we thought he would be more proactive with his life. She encouraged him to work. I don't know the full reason why he decided to leave, he said to us that she was using him as a babysitting service. Anyway, when he said he wanted to move to Perth, to get on with his life, we thought(again) great, he's going to do it. Apparently not, he's spending his time gaming, getting the occasional work repairing computers, but not actively engaging in society, he hardly ever goes out. I feel he is no doubt depressed, his brother has depression, and does struggle with it at times. i just don't know what to do, he won't take our advice.

GoodGuy1980 Down and Out
  • replies: 3

I had been seeing my partner for nearly 3 years. There were good times but there were bad times too. I did some stupid things and so did he. I went to see a Counsellor and worked out I have low self esteem and suffered from codependency issues. I ask... View more

I had been seeing my partner for nearly 3 years. There were good times but there were bad times too. I did some stupid things and so did he. I went to see a Counsellor and worked out I have low self esteem and suffered from codependency issues. I asked him to see a Counsellor with me but he never did. We broke up but he came back saying he would change and do anything to get us back on track. The last couple of months have been really tough with his Mum suffering health issues and then having to move. I helped him so much during this time as I have always done. He even lived with me for nearly 4 weeks cause his unit was not an option. He has since moved into a new unit and his Mum's situation has improved. Now he says he is emotionally cooked and that I am full on, needy and smothering. He isn't willing to work on us and told me to go and get better for the next person. It feels he took what he could when he needed it from me and now that things have improved for him, he moves on. He tells me now he has been to a Counsellor who told him it is a long road for someone with codependency to improve - but he can't be that person to help me. It is so hurtful especially after I was there for him during some of his toughest times. He even admitted that he would say and and do things to push me out of my comfort zone to prove little things aren't worth worrying about and to make me a stronger person. I know I have to change some things in my life but this wasn't all me. Since this all exploded, I have felt so lonely and guilty about what has happened. I know things will get better but it is just so hard, especially after I drove past him today. I know I am a good person and probably deserve better. But I worry and get so anxious about where to from here. It has affected my sleep, my work and some of my friendships. Everyday is so hard. I just hope it will get better.

BlueJasmine My traditional Asian Mother has no friends & this worries me..
  • replies: 4

Hi all, First time posting on BeyondBlue - this is the only place I feel I may voice my concerns. I am 25 yrs old, and my mother is nearing 50. We are of Cambodian-Chinese & Vietnamese background. She is a very traditional Asian mother. I am the only... View more

Hi all, First time posting on BeyondBlue - this is the only place I feel I may voice my concerns. I am 25 yrs old, and my mother is nearing 50. We are of Cambodian-Chinese & Vietnamese background. She is a very traditional Asian mother. I am the only child, and what's more - I am a girl. My parents have kept a tight leash on me up until adulthood, and we had a turbulent relationship because of it. She's had me to fuss over for almost half her life. I left home nearly 2 years ago, and although she took it badly, she learnt to accept it. My mother & my father have had some relationship issues in the past - which my mother never seemed to forget nor forgive. As if her mistrust in people was not at a high already, this episode in her life has lead her to become even more mistrusting of EVERYONE. She has no friends. My father & I have talked about it - she needs friends. She has none because all she can do is: find, pick & talk about everybody's flaws/negatives always wants to be 'above' or 'better' than all the other mums/women she meets thinks that all the other mums/women are talking about her behind her back or have some 'evil scheme' or agenda when they do try to make friends with her thinks the whole world is full of evils, and bad things will happen if you do ANYTHING and/or EVERYTHING stays inside the toxic circle of her sisters (my aunts whom have similar traits to my mother) She does not get along with my father's side of the family, because she think his sisters are always plotting against her, or "stepping on her". I don't know what to do, how to help or if I even should help. I've been told that I should live my life, and if it is her decision not to make friends then it is what it is. But I worry... My father worries... My father tells me that most days, all she does is play with the dog... My heart sank into the deepest depths of my stomach & I cringed because I've seen it too. My father has his own friends, but it's hard to take her along to outings because she just wont make friends (and dislikes other women for irrational reasons). It makes me really sad. I just want my mother to be happy. Although she says she is, I know she's not. I think she's terribly lonely & needs some girlfriends. Any advice would be kind, thank you.

Ladybird-33 I moved out to live abroad and my Mum can't cope with the situation
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I am seeking some advice on my situation. My Mum has had increased anxiety issues since I was born (I am an only child), and has had depression since my parents separated. We lived in France but my father was from Australia. After my studie... View more

Hi there, I am seeking some advice on my situation. My Mum has had increased anxiety issues since I was born (I am an only child), and has had depression since my parents separated. We lived in France but my father was from Australia. After my studies I decided to move to Australia for a year. This triggered a great crisis in my Mum's life, who despite having a partner at the time, could not handle having her daughter so far away. She had episodes of depression, and started drinking. I returned to France after a year, but was then offered a permanent job in Australia and decided to go back. As soon as she heard the news, the drinking became worse, she threatened to commit suicide, and made me feel very guilty. She was working at the time; as soon as the weekend came, she would start harassing me over the phone, saying horrible things to me hoping I would change my decision. She started victimising herself, and would only consider her view of the situation. My family and friends told me I could not live for my mother and that I had to stick with my decision. So I left again for Australia. I soon met a partner there. After a couple of years of depression and alcoholism, with me worrying everyday of what my Mum would be capable of doing to herself, she hit the bottom and considered seeking help. After a few months of therapy and medication, she got over the alcoholism problem. Our relationship went back to normal, we talked and messaged more often, she was happy and went back to catching up with friends/family and doing activities. Soon after though, her partner passed away. I went back to France for funerals but had to come back to Australia for my work. A few months later, she had a major depression again, not coping with loneliness, and stopped taking her anti-depressants properly. She was placed in an psychiatric institution, and after a few weeks of therapy and new medication finally came out of it. This recovery episode didn't last for long. She then retired and recently had to place her Mum in a retirement home. Now, she is feeling more lonely than ever and cries every time we Skype, saying she isn't happy by herself, and that she cannot live without me. I'm not a depressive person myself. Throughout the years, I listened, helped her seeking help, consulted her friends and family to help with various things. But since we have been through this for so many years now and I see no improvement, I just don't know what to do anymore. Any thoughts?

Table_for_1 husband leaves 35 yr marriage with no warning
  • replies: 9

I would like to share my story to try and help other women in a similar situation. On 14th April my husband of 35 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be friends., We had a $6000 holiday booked and paid for on 19th may and had 10 day... View more

I would like to share my story to try and help other women in a similar situation. On 14th April my husband of 35 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be friends., We had a $6000 holiday booked and paid for on 19th may and had 10 day old grandchildl. The night before we were having a drink and clinking glasses together celebrating our wonderful life together. . I still couldn't believe what he was saying. He was twisting everything around to put all blame on me, He's been doing this the whole 10 weeks. He told me that night when we would tell people, what I would say and how we would split the finances !!!! I still cannot believe that I just went along with him. I realise now after 10 weeks and lots of soul searching and many tears and no sleep that he was and always had been controlling my head. I went on the holiday on my own which was the hardest but best thing I could've done. Table for 2 - no thanks just a table for 1 - I think Im going ok then I just crumble again. His messages have been so nasty. For months before this he had been talking obsessively about "Jennifer" from work. He was obsessed. I never thought that they were involved but now I know differently. He wanted to split our mobile phone bills and of course we know why 75 calls to her in 55 days. calls to her while I was cooking his dinner !!!! When I questioned him he said she was his bestie and he tried to help her with his life! He told everyone at the beginning that it had been 3 years in the making and he should have left me 3 years ago and he wants a new life No wonder I have been so confused. I still wonder how this happened when we had so many plans for the future. The house goes on the market in 4 weeks. He is so cocky and sure of himself. He is 63 yrs old. There is so much more to this story but if this is happening to you, you will get through it as us women are very strong and we don't know our our strength until it is tested. 11 weeks ago I was a happily married woman (or so I thought) with a wonderful happy future. I still have a good future but a different one as my friends said. I've made many wrong decisions in this time but we must all remember that there is no manual for us to read to know how to react, our emotions etc. Im very proud of myself how far I have come in 10 weeks because I never thought I could smile again but Im also aware that I could still crash and that is OK

Fat_Panda Anger towards the in-laws
  • replies: 1

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, e... View more

Hubby and I have had a falling out with the in-laws. He was extremely close with his family, which comprised of his mother, father and 6 kids. I got on really well with the in-laws and we were all quite close and spent quite a bit of time together, even when hubby and I were having problems in our marriage. Last year hubby realised that he was going to have to pick me over his family or our marriage wasn't going to last. And this was when all the conflict started. His family is extremely enmeshed and we had a hard year due to all the conflict. His mother tried to manipulate him over and over, told him that he wasn't happy, that I was the cause of his unhappiness, that I was the problem. She lied about me and bad-mouthed me to hubby and the rest of the family (relatives included) and told everyone that I was the cause of their family breakdown. Hubby stood up for me all the way and she didn't like that. She got the rest of the kids involved and manipulated them too. As a result, hubby had his siblings criticising everything we did. She lied about how things happened and eventually hubby ignored everyone. The whole family was against us and I was also pregnant with my first child at the time. Our marriage took a huge toll and hubby suffers from anxiety because of his family, how we let them control and dictate everything we did. Hubby lost his job (they had a family business), we lost our house that we co-owned with my in-laws (they forced us to sell due to 'financial pressure'), and we've had to start again. So we went on with our life. We recently reconnected with my mother-in-law and father-in-law just so that they could meet our son for the first time. Since March this year, his mother, sister and brother have kept in contact with nice texts etc. His mother texts him every week and hubby texts back nicely as well. I want to be at peace with the in-laws. If I could choose, I hope to never see them or hear from them again. But hubby feels like he owes them something. It makes me angry that they make nice and make an effort with hubby thinking that that's enough to be in hubby's life and be in our baby's life. They pretend I don't exist (from the texts to hubby you can tell) and to me that's really disrespectful. I want my anger towards them to go. But it's not easy. I want to support hubby, but I have different feelings towards this.