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family controlling my life

Nick1230
Community Member

Hi

I'm having family issue with my mother and grandmother they both like to make decision and if I say no and I decided my own decision on what best for me and they get angry and they try to force it and not letting me to speak and to give them an reason why I made this decision and they do not want to listen.

Cheers Nick

10 Replies 10

TheSteve
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Nick,

Thanks for sharing mate. May I ask - how old are you? Assuming you are adult or at least a responsible teen making good decisions, then there is no reason for mum and grandma to dictate your day to day moves. Clearly parents and grandparents mostly mean well, but as a young man you need to exercise some control over your destiny and be enabled to make decisions on your own.

Perhaps having an open discussion with your mum will help here. Stand behind the fact that you make good decisions, stay out of trouble etc. and that when/if you need guidance from them, you will surely ask for it.

Come back and chat anytime, all the best.

Steve

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Nick. I'm inclined to go along with Steve, slightly here. When young boys are coming to adult-hood, letting go is hard for mum and g'mothers. It also sounds as though there is a cultural issue here. If there is cultural problems, the elders often believe they know best and children have to listen and learn. While that is true, that senior members of the family are more experienced, there are ways and means of teaching our young, so they don't feel intimidated. I suggest, one way around this 'generation gap' would be to say to mum, I understand you mean well and I appreciate your knowledge, but I need to learn for myself where I am going and what I want to do to with my life. You could also say that knowing mum is there to guide you, means so much and knowing you can turn to her if necessary is a good thing.

Lynda

Hi Steve

Thank's for responding to the post and I'm 29 years old and I think that my mother might have an mental illness same as my grandma. they both tend to order me around telling me to have a shower, brush my teeth, cut my nails and find a job over and over again.

And I keep telling them to leave me alone and they get very moody towards me and they think that I have a mental illness and they think that nothing is wrong with them.

Cheers

TheSteve
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Thanks Nick. Clearly you are old enough, mature enough, and independent enough to make such decisions for yourself. Operating under the assumption that you are clean and don't have issues that would void my initial statement, you know what to do.

Love and respect them for the care they show you, for what they can't necessarily help. And live your life the way you need to. Perhaps smile each time they ask you to do something, don't take it so seriously, and you'll stop having an emotional reaction. Show them love and respect, but live your life the way you need to.

We are here to chat anytime mate, all the best.

Steve

Hey and welcome Nick!

It takes courage to get on the forum and let loose with frustrations, so kudos first off.

What I've found, is that independence needs to be taught by parental figures; if it's not, co-dependence is usually the outcome.

This is what your home sounds like; bouncing off each other to keep the peace or get what you/they want. Asking directly may cause flare-ups and conflict because it doesn't 'fit' with normal communication, challenging all involved to engage in debate or arguments to regain 'ground'. It's a power play...control being the optimum position.

I might suggest you talk with your GP to get a referral to a psychologist who can help you deal with your own behaviour and 'ranking' within the household. You have absolutely no control over your mum or grandmother ok? That will never change. What might with the right advice and 're-conditioning', is how you project your own sense of empowerment in any given situation.

It's a step by step trial and error process that adults such as myself have had to learn. Subjects like boundaries, self protection and how to walk away when things escalate are tools for your survival.

I've started a thread you might like to visit called; 'What does "Putting Myself First" mean to you in relationships and situations? (Any kind)' (relationships and family issues section) It's only new with 3 entries so far, but I figure you have lots of questions to ask and stories to tell re self worth and self in general.

Sometimes we get lost among other people's motives/intent as well as 'people pleasing' for survival. This gets tiresome after yrs of it...I know too well.

Stick with it Nick...Steve is here for you, as am I.

Sara (Hug)

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Nick Sincere apologies for the misunderstanding re: your age. Steve has some pretty good suggestions about how your mum and nana treat you. Sometimes mum's tend to forget their sons are adults and slip back into past routines. Next time she mentions hygiene issues, humor her and just get on with whatever you are doing. I kind of think you may be overreacting saying they have 'mental health' issues. All they can see when they look at you is, a boy who needs caring. To many mums their sons are forgetful and need reminding. Maybe your nana has slight dementia, this can also be dealt with by 'humouring' her. I have a grown, married son and I often hear myself reminding him to wash behind his ears. He just laughs and leaves it at that. I feel it is a clash of you trying to show them you are a grown up and them not wanting to see.

Lynda

Nick1230
Community Member

Hi Everyone

I do love my mother and grandma very much and I don't hate them but this dementia is very troublesome and if both of my closes family have it and I'm always helping people and I don't cause problems and not make fights I just want to make them see what are they doing.

And not strong enough to handle this type of issue but I'm definitely going see an psychologist to do a test on my mind and I do not want to have this dementia in my brain and I will get my mother tested as well and for my grandma she is very gone indeed.

Nick

Hey Nick;

I don't doubt you love your mum and grandmother, it's commendable that you do. I didn't realise there was dementia involved so I'm sorry.

It sounds like you're the full-time family carer; how sad for you. Do you have any help from anyone? It'd be good if you did. Family and Community Services (FACS) may be able to help with some well deserved respite service if it's available in your area.

Hopefully this will give you time for yourself. Carers are wonderful people, so your mum/grandmother are lucky to have you in their corner. Good on you!!! At 29 though, it might be time you found love/family/independence for yourself. What do you think of this?

I hope seeing a psychologist will help you understand better what you're feeling and how to go about dealing with your family circumstances. I wish you well Nick...

And Merry Xmas!

Sara xo

pipsy
Community Member

hi Nick. Dealing with dementia can be exhausting as the person with it doesn't realize how they are acting, nor what they are saying. Often they say or do the most inappropriate things at the worst times. If you can get your mum and nana assessed, it would be helpful, but you will then need to know how bad they are likely to become. I understand what you are saying and I don't think for one minute you are causing problems. Dementia patients sometimes have to be told something multiple times as they frequently don't 'receive' the information they are told. They're not deaf, they just can't process it. When they keep asking if you have washed your hair, brushed your teeth etc, immediately they ask, they forget, so they repeat the question over and over. Unfortunately you will require the patience of a saint to live with this as it won't get easier. Each time they ask, just say yes, they will ask multiple times, keep repeating yes. Try changing the subject as a diversion usually works. Have either of them had any sort of accident involving head injuries, are they on medication for head injuries? I had an uncle who had an accident involving a motorbike. He eventually succumbed to Alzheimers, he led my aunt a merry dance though. Your nana and mum might say things to really hurt you, try to ignore this as they have no memory of what they said 5 minutes ago. If you can arrange help for them, it would also give you a break. Try to arrange an assessment and then get some professional help. Remember, they will have to 'click' with the help or you will have more problems.

Lynda