Mother In Law causing problems

[Reyna]

Hi Everyone,

I am having kind of a nervous breakdown because of my MIL. For about 3 years now she has been causing problems within our family and its even affecting my daughter so badly that she is chewing the insides of her mouth to the point where they bleed she is 3. Basically my main issue right now is we have tried to limit the amount of times we see her due to the affect her instability has on my daughter and my marriage. But when she hasn't seen us for two weeks she will start crying and getting upset and when we do things without her and put pictures on Facebook we get passive aggressive comments about how she would've like to have been there too. She has my father in law and brother in laws calling us and suggesting we buy her framed pictures of the kids and let her babysit them for us which we don't want to do because she never does what we ask we ant trust her.

It's got to the point that now every time my doorbell rings or the phone rings I freak out and suffer panic attacks worrying she is going to start some argument or say something to upset me. We had an argument a few weeks ago and we tried to get her to admit that her tears were all about wanting to see her grandchildren more but she wouldn't admit that it was about them, she just said it was about my husband not texting once a month even though we see them 2+ times a month.

Its my sons 1st birthday soon and I don't think I can handle it. Last time she came over (my daughters birthday) I was so nervous I had a terrible time, I felt sick my eyes kept blinking, couldn't make eye contact. Is it weak to say Im not up to it and make an excuse to cancel? I don't know how to handle all of this I am overwhelmed. I wonder if Im being brave accepting my limits or being weak by trying to skirt my responsibilities?

They live 5 minutes away from us and we keep seeing them everywhere we go there is no escape. I don't feel like I can relax anywhere. 

Thanks for listening anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

[pipsy]

Hi.  Oh boy, MIL problems.  I think they go to a special school to learn how to be this way.  With you, the problem is more so because you have kids.  Your husband is supporting you - good.  Mine doesn't.  There's no easy, hard, fast answer.  I have absolutely no contact with either of my in-laws.  Maybe a session with family counciling: ie. Relationships Australia.  All of you.  When it comes to boundaries, that's hard too.  Have you and husband looked at narcissism with regards to MIL.  That is a very strong possibility.  If that is the case, you and husband need to discuss how to deal with it.  Avoidance on your part will help you.  My husband sees his parents frequently, I just get on with my own life.  Unfortunately, I have to overlook this situation with them.  How old are your in-laws.  Mine are both over 80, nearly 90, so that's another excuse I have to contend with from husband.  Try to forgive them and accept they won't change, unless they want to.  I'm exceptionally proud of your husband, wish mine was like that.

Good luck with all you try and achieve.  Put yourself, husband, kids first - always.  You'll be around longer than MIL, hopefully.  We nearly separated because of battles.  Don't let her destroy what you're building.

[Reyna]

Hi Everyone, 

I came back here today to see if anyone else had commented as we had something happen this weekend.

I did go see a phycologist and she help me understand some things but ultimately she wanted me to give my MIL what she wants to release my fears.

The phycologist couldn't seem to grasp that I don't want to sacrifice our happiness for MILs by giving her what she wants even if it's not what we want just to make life easier! Ill stick with doing what I want even if my anxiety is horrible at times.

This weekend MIL got drunk and posted some things on Facebook which were clearly aimed at me and my husband. Her friends commented adding that KARMA will be had to the person/people who have wronged her. They all seemed to know what the cryptic posts meant so it was embarrassing being the subject of public humiliation were I am not even able to prove it's about us and if I confront her she will deny, deny and deny making us look crazy and insane!

Ilovetoread73! you are absolutely spot on with the poor me rubbish and manipulation!!! The selfishness she displays is so clear!

A few more outbursts or incidents and my husband will most likely drop off contact with her to nothing as even though we agree on the issue with all the tension around it's a strain not to end up arguing about anything and nothing! The kids can feel it too.

But I do appreciate how luck we are that Me and my husband at least agree this is not on and are willing to cut her off to save ourselves.

Thanks for all your input and support I really do appreciate it. It is very isolating when half your family hate your guts!

[pipsy]

Hi Reyna.  How dreadful for you to have MIL posting on facebook drunk.  I must admit I've never had my MIL go that far.  Thank goodness your husband is fully supporting you emotionally.  It sounds as though she is still trying to cause trouble between you. I hope he can remain strong.  Her friends believe everything she says because that's how NPD's work.  You'll probably find most of her friends are NPD's, (birds of a feather).  When you say half your family hates your guts, are you talking about in-law family?  If that is so, don't worry, the truth will come out.  Maybe not till after she's passed, but, it will happen.  It's hard for daughter's (especially) to believe or accept their mother's are wrong, all daughter's want to believe in their mothers.  If, after she's passed, your SIL (if that's who you're having problems with), still chooses to believe her, you've lost nothing that you didn't have before.  You have your husband, children, your own family.  Keep believing in yourself.  Live your own life.  I'd say she's jealous of what you both have, so she's trying to destroy it. 

[white knight]

Hi Reyna

So many good posts here and suggestions. I'm a positive kind of guy but where it comes to narcissistic people I'm firm in my beliefs.

I'm 59yo, have a sister 53yo and we both put up with our mother all our life till 5 years ago. We both have had zero contact with her for that last 5 years and we are in heaven, total bliss. Sad as it seems to a reader here.

some of the symptoms you describe is the same. but of course all humans are different. In my case mother was demanding, had constant expectations, controlling etc...you could never satisfy her. The real problem was however, that she was also at times nurturing, kind and generous, then throw that generosity at your face when you didnt say, call her back or like you, she wasnt included the take her grandchildren to the zoo etc.

The revelations to her "real" problems were found when I read articles from Dr Christine Lawson who wrote about the 4 characters of some BPD people. Those characters are the queen, the witch, the hermit and the waif.

You can google those four characters to read about her theory. It helped me. In summery-

The Queen wants to own you. Never be alone with the queen for she will manipulate you

The witch want to destroy you or revenge you

The hermit want to shut herself away so you will suffer her absence

The waif will show her closest companion a tearful life caused by other people effectively extending her weaponry via other people.

Such people are clever. My mother was a queen through manipulation. All our lives she pitted my sister and I against each other. If we did wrong by her she'd go to all extents to revenge us. She ruined my first wedding like a child throwing a tantrum. The attention wasnt on her. She'd threaten to "if you dont break up with that girl I'm going away for 2 weeks" the hermit is good at emotional blackmail.
And the "waif", the character that left its mark more than all the rest. My mum would have the slightest tiff with us during the day then all would be fine tilll dad arrived home. At th front door in an instant tears would fall as she told him what had occured hours earlier...and he'd belt us. I think my hatred grew from there at age 9.

There is no room in my life for such a person.

I hope your MIL is not that bad.That is for you to decide. But I have to admit my sister and I didnt have the ability to counteract our mother with words. We'd be howled down and made to feel our views were wrong and we didnt have a good enough reason to have any views at all.

Tony WK

[Reyna]

Thank you so much for this White Knight!

So many things you said were just spot on my husband and I have had an Ah Ha moment! 

I think my husband may look at getting the book because he has suffered from growing up with her, he can't seem recognise his emotions and label them and constantly shuts down when things get tough.

The generosity is very typical too MIL is overly generous. MIL has complained exactly the same about the Zoo, and when we had separate parties for my daughters birthday one for friends and one family she complained she had missed out.

Hi Pipsy, The half that I feel hate me are my in-laws they seem to just take her side and think that this is all my evil influence. I am really lucky my family have been very supportive of us. She is so controlling that even I've been swayed by her negative opinions on others until my mum gave another perspective to the situation. I only have brothers in law, they are not mean but you can see they are very sympathetic because as Tony has described she plays The Waif and they feel sorry for her and try manipulate us on her behalf. Like you say the truth will come out eventually, just a matter of time.

Thanks Everyone

[nanabrown]

What is it with interferring MIL's  As a MIL to both a son-in-law and daughter-in-law, I have always been consious of the fact that I am a visitor in their home. They know they can ask for help at anytime, and if I can I will. I love the grandkids and would dearly love to see so much more of them. They are now all at school and have their own interests and are busy.  We see them a lot now and for this I am thankful.   Both myself and my daughter suffer from depression and when she had her children I was there to help, but as soon as SIL came home I would leave. Not many men need their MIL there when they come home to their house and their family.  On the other hand I have a manipulative MIL who is "Mother and Son" personified. In order to retain my own sanity I have had to distant myself from her.  Her hurtful comments and expectations are unbelievable.  She expects us to drop everything and run to her "emergency" which usually turns out to be the door bell not working. I drop in occasionally due to guilt and have to listen to her bag my husband for being a bad son.  I have asked her not to run him down as he is a wonderful person, but she persists.

In the end we have to be strong and set the boundaries. My daughter taught me how to be strong when suffering from PND.  She put a note on the door asking people to respect that she needed sleep and not to knock.  She did not associate with anyone who would not be positive.

If losing contact with your MIL and in-laws is the only way for you to be happy as a family then that is what you both need to be strong enough to do.  If they don't have kids yet they will get it when they do....  FIL may be too controlled himself to help. If she cannot accept your boundaries then that is her decision, not yours so dont feel guilty.  If a stranger was effecting your children this way, you would not let them near. This sort of MIL trouble will fester until your marriage is effected, so get your husband to be strong, set the boundaries and let her decide.

Dont wait for her, your husband a doctor or anyone to solve your problem, be strong and stand up for yourself and your kids. And if the psych did not help find another.

Dont wait 40 years to find the strength like I did, and wasted so many years in depression because I was not strong enough to say "no more".

 I also cancelled Facebook, it causes so many issues with gossip etc.

[white knight]

Hi Nanabrown

That is the best post I've read for a long long time.

My mother would stay in my sisters house well after my sisters husband went to bed. She would portray her grandmother role as being more important than my sister's mother role. She'd control my father until he was a parrot of her.

These people with this problem cause train wrecks where ever they go but their ability to swing peoples mind is incredible and I know this as I was swung like a puppet for 54 years.

So when will it come to a head? In my case my sister and I were never close to each other. That purely because we were pitted against each other daily and effectively brainwashed. This is important - people rarely know when they are being brainwashed or manipulated.

But the day came when my mother was about to ruin my second marriage having ruined the first with tantrums in 1985. What do you do when this happens? You only have one chance of a happy wedding. From then on the next wedding was always a wedding because she ruined the first. I got an intervention order. It ended up the happiest day of my life.

So it was MY actions that dictated my happy life. Also important was that during the pre weddign period my mother was constantly demonising my to my sister....my sister and I made a pact- to not listen to any such talk about the other. And then it came to a head. We havent had contact since.

People that consistently control others lives do not respect the freedom of others INCLUDING the lives of their grown children.

I'd like to mention also that there are a lot of members here that have BPD or similar narcissistic traits from other mental illnesses. This view of mine is in no way levelled at you. If you read this then you are on the forum and seeking guidence and advice. that makes you a winner in my eyes. It is the cronic sufferer that is in total denial, will never seek help because a/they believe everyone else has the problem and b/ will feel they are weak in losing the war they want to fight.

Reyna, you are indeed a wonderful person to face this dilemma. It wont be easy for you to guide your husband to fully understand and accept the nature of his controlling mother as "blood is thicker than water". But he has to put his little family first and as nanabrown wisely said "setting boundaries". So how do you set these boundaries?

Write them out. Be reasonable and tactful. She has a wonderful choice- to abide or fight against you basic rights.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi nanabrown.  I wish my husband had that strength.  Both his parents are strong willed & narcissistic.  My FIL is also chauvinistic, what a pair.  My husband knows what they're like, but he makes every excuse known to man for them.  They're old is the most common.  My parents have both passed, but they treated their in-law children with utmost respect.  My MIL used to walk in my house, demand to know why I have a small freezer, question why I have a dryer.  The day she questioned why I don't like honey was the last straw.  My husband never defended me to her, it was always me that was in the wrong.  I can't do anything about the hold his parents have over him, that is something he has to face.  I do wish I'd known what I was getting into when I met him.  If I had, chances are we wouldn't be together.  I have begged him to go to counselling, he refuses.  His parents haven't won, nor have they lost.  He's made his bed, now he must accept the situation.  I make no demands or requests of him, I get on with my life.  He's weak, he's the only one who can change the situation.  His parents have been allowed to dominate him.  I feel sorry for him when they pass.  He will then probably lean on me, I either will be there, or I won't be.  I am very active in my church, that now comes first.  He did tell me to make a life of my own.  He can't have it both ways.   I don't fight him or them, they don't exist.

Pipsy.

[hartam]

Hi All,

Firstly as much as I hate to see others having issues with their MIL, I am also happy to see I am not alone. I am very concerned about my husbands mental health and the ongoing issues we are having are also taking a toll on me.

My husband is an only child and his parents, mainly his mother, treat him very poorly and we have had nothing but issues since we started dating. We are now married and have 2 children yet the issues continue. My husband has a very hostile relationship with his mother that stems from his teen years, and we have tried almost everything to try and rectify this relationship to make our lives easier. Our wedding reception was ruined by her attacking members of my family as well as abusing both her son and I.  My family and I have been subjected to bullying and harassment from her and her siblings at various family events, and she displays various forms of mental health issues however does not acknowledge this or seek help.

My FIL does not tend to get involved too much until it reaches a point and she is hysterical at his end where he will then send threatening emails and texts to both my husband and I telling us to leave her alone and that we have done enough damage. 

My husband is fighting to have a fair relationship with his parents, and I have in the past been fighting to rectify wrong ideas and accusations about my family and I who have never said or done anything to my husbands family to warrant any kind of abuse. 

As first I thought it was because I took her son away and she was an overprotective mother who would warm to me over time, but things have got progressively worse and she is just as mean and nasty to her son as she is to me.

My husband has been given referrals by his GP in the past to see a psychologist but he is so low that he won't go. Prior to the wedding he got so anxious and worked up about his family attending I was very worried about his mental health and contacted his parents without his knowledge to ask for their help as I believed he was suicidal. He has confided in me over the years that he had suicidal thoughts and researched this as a teenager because of his life at home. His mother's response when I pleaded with her to change her ways with him and help him was that he 'always has been a drama queen'. How can I help my husband and myself against this woman?

I am at a point where I want to stop my children being exposed to this kind of person before she can have the same effect on them.

[Reyna]

Hi Hartam,

Sorry to hear. Your husband sounds like me at the moment. Things haven't got any better and I now feel like a shell of a person. Im just shattered, being anxious and stressed for a long period of time has taken a major toll on my mental and physical health. I now am agoraphobic and depressed.  We are now thinking that we need to cut ties for a while or more permanently depending on how things play out. All I know is that things can't continue like this anymore something has to change. Its not my first choice which is why we have put up with all of this for so long. As you said you don't want her affecting your kids, it does affect my daughter badly as you may have read. Not seeing her "Nanna" as often has made her change heaps but when she does see her she regresses.

It would probably help your husband to speak to a professional even if it is just to help him come to a decision about whether he should cut his mother off or they could work it out. He should try to get help for himself. 

I think in the end the people who cause all this drama in our lives are selfish and don't care for one second what they are doing to us in their pursuit to get what they want. At some point you have to say I will not let this happen to me anymore! The thought of cutting her out though is scary as society seems to have this unwritten rule that you OWE your parents. But Im coming to realise that there has to be a line where enough is enough and if its destroying your life then it needs to be done with.

Im sorry you are having a hard time but know you are not alone. Lots of people have MIL problems to varying degrees.

Good Luck and I hope you work it out, hopefully we will too.