Married, Jealous and confused.

[Chickem100]

Hi all,

Looking for some advice. I’m a 41-year-old happily married man with a child. For the past few years, I’ve developed a wonderful friendship with a work colleague, we’ve always got along well and spend a lot of time together. I’ll admit that I’ve always had a small crush on her but nothing too serious as I’m married and for what it’s worth, she’s single. She’s openly talked to me about her dating life and as much as we laugh about it, I always get this nervous and anxious feeling around it and I’m starting to think it could be jealously? I hate the feeling, I hate how I can’t switch it off and I despise the fact it occupies my mind and I’ll end up looking at the guy in questions profile as she always asks my advice and to check him out etc etc  I have a perfectly happy home life yet this intrusion is really starting to grate at me. We’ve been such good friends for a long time now that it would break her and possibly me if I said this friendship was untenable. What really bothers me is how this has been going on for so long I and I can’t have her as a “normal” friend who’s interactions don’t require overthinking and possibly jealously over her personal life. The worst part of this is the expenditure of emotional energy which could and should be going into my family dynamic which I love so much.  Any advice on this situation would be greatly appreciated.

Cheers.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome,

Firstly I want to "normalise" this with you. How many psychiatrist/psychologists/therapists etc have an attraction to their patients. I dont know the answer either but I'm sure it happens. Overall most would have to find the restraint to keep their work separate from their home life. 

Being married doesnt stop attraction and we have all felt "maybe in another life..." and thats how it has to be to protect what you have. The risk of course is high and I have a friend that, when we were in our 20's he left his wife and 2 kids for a younger lady that pursued him. After 6 months the girlfriend dumped him and he came to his senses, but he then found out his still wife didnt want him back purely because he rejected her for another woman. My friend also stated to me that the girlfriend was far different when living with her than what he thought would be. 

In your situation I would distance myself slowly, try for a transfer, new job etc solely to minimise that temptation. I also have little doubt this lady knows you like her and she likes you. 

So yes, you are normal and it is difficult in those circumstances so put in place protection not only for yourself, your family, your future and your childs stability. 

I hope it all works out for you emotionally as it is testing at times.

TonyWK

[Chickem100]

Hi Tony, 

Thankyou very much for taking the time to reply, very much appreciated. The story of your friend is a very interesting one as I’ve played out that scenario in my head many a time and there’s no good outcome and that reaffirmed that thought. 

I do need to put protection in place and will endeavour to put those barriers to protect myself and my family. 

Thankyou for “normalising” the situation it’s very easy to get swept away in what I sometimes believe is a problem only I seem to have. 

again I appreciate your time, there’s a very valid points and some clarity has been achieved here. 

Thankyou 

[Petal22]

Hi Chickem100,

I can hear that you love your family.

I understand that when we have intrusive thoughts they can cause a lot of anxiety and distress inside our bodies.

I believe that these intrusions can cause us alot of distress inside ourselves because we are so desperately trying to protect the thing we love so dearly.

With intrusive thoughts we tend to put our full attention on them and question and analyse them.

When you find these thoughts consuming you try to put your attention on something in the present moment… re direct your attention.

What we give attention to we give power to.

Maybe you could think about taking a step back from this person s personal life… 

[Chickem100]

Hi Petal22

Thankyou very much to take the time to reply, I found this comment "I believe that these intrusions can cause us a lot of distress inside ourselves because we are so desperately trying to protect the thing we love so dearly" very interesting and it makes a lot of sense so thankyou for sharing that and I feel more controlled in my thoughts and actions after hearing it.

I've made some changes over the past few days and I do believe I have more clarity on what's important. 

Thanks again. 

[Ron_M]

hi there

I'm so pleased i found your post. 

I'm in a similar situation but we don't have kids or a sex life.  I'm 53 and my mate has started seeing a work colleague i introduced him to. she and i had a great relationship but I'm stupidly jealous as i too have strong feelings towards her and her boys. 

it seems we talk and text way more than we used too since she got involved with him. 

i don't want to lose her as a friend.

I'm growing distant from my wife as we simply aren't intimate and yet we worked hard to get where we are. 

we couldn't have kids but we always wanted them and this has always played on our minds

[Chickem100]

Hi Ron, 

Thanks for reaching out. I'm sure you've read the above replies and maybe there's something in there that could help you. What stood out for me is that you've already worked hard with your wife to get to this point so it's not like you don't want to put the effort in. I'd certainly look at continuing to work on your relationship with your wife, this is your primary relationship and I'm sure you care for her deeply but with work and a lot of communication I think you'll find a positive result. 

I do completely understand he jealously and the fear of losing a friend, I know it's very hard to deal with but I look at it like this, if you DO have a great friendship then there's no reason why you'd lose her as a friend good friends last a lifetime and through all sorts of issues. 

As hard as it is I've found a lot of positive outcomes in just keeping myself busy, sometimes I jus wat to sit and overthink everything but If I push myself to do other stuff I find it helps, it's not perfect and I don't think it will be for a while but I focus on myself and my family when times get tough or that jeaousy kicks in and it's a way of helping. 

Reach out anytime, this isn't easy but sometimes just a chat can help. 

Cheers. 

[white knight]

Hi RM

You are welcome to start your own thread on your own situation too and thanks for posting your comment.

You seem generally to be unhappy and without any intimate time together this adds to a sad situation that you might well suffer badly from as the years roll on. 

Anyway all the best.

TonyWK

[Ron_M]

thank you so much for responding. I've been close to tears agonising over our relationship for so long. i understand the enticement of the new but I'm tired of the struggle.  not being able to have kids has been a complicating factor also as my wife often brings it up. 

[Ron_M]

thank you for your consideration and thoughts