Marriage over?

riverrock1981

Hi all,

Wife and i have been together 20 years, married for 14 with 2 kids (9 and 11). Just looking for thoughts on whether situation is hopeless and if I should just walk away. Wife has adhd and anxiety and is taking medication for both

Problems started approximately 5 years ago. Sold our house and struggled to find a suitable option during covid when price rises were crazy. We found a renovator which we struggled through over 3 years to complete which placed huge financial strain on the relationship and are only now in a place where we can finally refinance to consolidate everything to give us breathing room.

Throughout all this, she has blamed me and holds me responsible for what we have had to endure. She says that she didnt have a voice and that I am angry and controlling. That my decisions led to the challenges we faced. I don't agree, as I have always tried to do the right things by her and the kids. I have reflected a lot on my behaviour and can acknowledge how she may have felt sidelined in joint decisions as I would argue logic, instead of ensuring she felt hard. Similarly, I would react during arguments when taunted or baited, as things would often become heated. She has a tendency to become highly emotional during conflict and will revert to personal attacks rather than focusing on the specific issue.

Regardless, she now considers us separated, has not worn rings in 6 months and sleeps in separate room. Now that house is finished, she wants to sell it and separate.

During the week, I discovered what I would consider highly inappropriate messages from a male work colleague, which she insists is nothing - friends, nothing has happened, that he overshares and she has asked him to stop. Whilst his messages were quite aggressively flirtatious and suggestive, none of hers appeared to be, but at the same time she did not shut it down or distance herself from it (first messages were in Nov last year). At one point she said "go to bed", to which he responded "your bed?", amongst other things. She did share some personal information about our relationship (reasons for separation, finances etc) Nevertheless, it was incredibly hurtful to find, and there was no acknowledgement of thatb on her part.

She has agreed to go to marriage counselling this week but I am unsure of her motivation, or indeed if it is likely to be of benefit. From my perspective,I would like to save marriage but initially I just want to get to a point where there is a reduction in the contempt and disrespect she treats me with, so that we can actually communicate effectively whatever happens. To keep things calm and respectful so that if s separation happens, it is amicable and puts the kids first.

Am I being naiive in thinking there is any hope here, or should I just accept it's over and move on? Why would she agree to marriage counselling if she didn't want to explore improvement in relationship?

Thanks

white knight

Hi, welcome

Thats a very clear post and well written. Thankyou

The reasons for the marriage counselling we cant know for sure. It comes to mind that it could be her way of separating amicably "for the kids sake" as you also want. If thats the case, or similar direction then thats one of the best developments one can have if you think of all the marriages that end in permanent grudges. Take it from me when you have to deal with a stubborn ex spouse intent of continuing the hate game, its painful to endure for the following years. In fact when my youngest turned 18yo 15 years ago I told her mother never to talk to me again, such was the torturous communication I had post separation 14 years earlier.

Her work colleague might not be in her sights other than flirting but spreading her wings could be. Also her ongoing resentment over the house project could be the catalyst for her inner feelings, again its unknown so based on you post this would be the best approach-

Attend the meeting and listen carefully, take your time answering and if that time is challenged then spell it out "my marriage is on the line so its important I think carefully about my answers". Express to her any regrets you do genuinely have about making her feel you've been controlling and that wasnt your intention.

But do be prepared that her plan might be to separate from you in terms of living arrangements AND the future living arrangements for your children. If this is the case nowadays there are options available for the children like- living mainly with her or you and every second weekend visits in which case child support is to be paid. I had two young kids and I dont think the formula has changed eg two kids 27% of your gross wage. There's a cut off point though so be careful because you might think 3 out of 4 days a week wont involve child support and it could. Read up on that by googling child support. I mention this because she might have already done her research and plan to put it to you.

I know separation is hard, your kids will feel it but it is usually unavoidable. My kids were 7 and 4yo now 36 and 33yo. Time flies and before you know it they will be adults and driving to your place to see you or visa versa. The first 8 weeks or so will be the hardest. In my case after 8 weeks I purchased land and built my own house. I was too exhausted with that and shift work to allow my grief to continue. So keep busy and please dont underestimate how much your kids need you to be in their lives.

Reply anytime

TonyWK