Marriage destroyed by depression; trying to startover threatened by dishonesty

[dickydik]

Until about half a year ago, I have been severely depressed for about 2 years. I'm doing much better now, well, sort of 😉
We were both a bit older when we first met (I was 47, she was 59). We met again 2 years later, we had been feeling a strong deep connection during the years we did not meet. My wife has a past filled with pain and hurt. She coped with it she said. She fully opened up to me, I was the love of her life. Until lots of bad luck pushed me in a deep dark hole. About 1.5 year ago, my wife started to withdraw. She tried to help me and ran out of clues. Anyway, I "came" back, and started to realize all the damage that was done.For my wife, all the beautiful we had was destroyed.
We had long deep talks, very open, crying, both wanting to make things work again. Talks became less and less. I felt more and more distance, distorted connection. I proposed marriage counseling. My wife agreed, as in, no promises, no expectations. Trying to communicate and take it step by step. We had developed a nasty pattern, me getting angry, her withdrawing. Both desperate. By following my intuition, I found us a great counselor, it felt like we needed a miracle and she might be able to help.
At first, things started to go a bit better. Until I got more and more concerned about long video chats my wife had with a male friend, each and every week, every Wednesday. I expressed my concerns. He was introduces to her by a very good friend of her. My concerns were ignored. I got more and more concerned and out of desperation looked at files on her laptop.
I confronted her, said she did indeed have fantasies about him (she denied that earlier and started crying saying "why don't you believe me").

Anyway, one of the things I found was that they did an astrological report, including a compatibility test. I exploded when I found out, told her she had gone too far. She later mentioned during a session that they did that report being created, it was just to "explore each other". Both me and my counselor were flabbergasted when she sold it like that. I got angry. Now she wants space, being left alone. I have taken all blame and responsibility. She says I make up stories, pulling things out of context. That I sabotage. That she truly loves me. And that she has been open and honest. I have been understanding. When I ask for understanding she starts defending and justifying. I am needy when I say that a "good night" or a hug would be nice. I don't understand her, why all this?

[Sophie_M]

Hi dickydik, 

Thank you for posting here today, it sounds like you are having a really tough time working on your relationship with your partner. We are really sorry to hear about how this is impacting you. We want to say how impressive it is that you are able to share your story and seek support here in this community. It must have taken a lot of courage to write your post, we hope that we can be of some help to you. 

We think that Relationships Australia could be a great place for you to find some information and support if you want to. They have a specefic phone number for each state, so if you want to check out their website (linked above) you can find the right one for you. Their counselling team can help you understand your thoughts and feelings and make a plan. 

Of course, you are also welcome to call us on 1300 22 4636 anytime you like. Our team are here to listen and offer helpful advice for how to feel better in the moment, as well as how to get ongoing help when we need it. 

We hope that the ongoing marriage counselling that you are doing together can be helpful and the one of the options above can be useful as well. 

Please feel free to update us on how you are going on this thread, if you feel comfortable doing so. We are here for you if you need us. 

Kind regards ,
Sophie M

[dickydik]

Today I found out that my wife contacted divorce lawyers. When I asked her about the 1st lawyer I showed her, she said, no, I just want to be informed in case I can't find a job and might be threatened by forbearing.

So I showed her the 2nd lawyer she contacted, a lawyer specialized in family and divorce. She admitted that yes, she contacted a divorce lawyer, to be prepared just in case that. That call lasted for about an hour. That is a long time to get info. I suspect that she already has made up her mind. Later she accused me of emotional abuse. I had to look it up and I'd rather say that she is emotionally abusing me. I asked her earlier today why she never introduced me to the guy she has a special bond with. She said I was emotionally unstable. I asked her if she ever spoke to his wife. She said yes. I asked her in an email why she never told me she spoke to his wife. As to me that would have made a huge difference. She thinks that I still cling on to a story about her and her male friend. No, I just got a serious blow realizing that her decision not to confide me in caused months of unnecessary hurt and pain. And now it is all my fault, and she seems to want to file for her 3rd divorce. Telling me to get help ASAP. Accusing me of emotional abuse. I am beyond upset right now. It takes two to tango, she messed up too, she refuses to accept that. I guess she can't, she has a mental disorder as in she is always right. If she admits she was wrong, it is like her foundation starts to crumble.Read about it in an article, it is a survival mechanism that can become so embedded in your system that you might never get rid of it. Sent her that article a few month ago. She thanked me for the article, and asked me to help her, by telling whenever she got into the "I am right mode". I said I couldn't, it happens too fast.