Marriage Breakup

Hercs1 · ‎31-05-2019

Going through a really tough time as my marriage has recently broken down. Is there a forum I should be joining that may be useful?

smallwolf · ‎31-05-2019

Hi Hercs1,

welcome to beyond blue.

this space is as good as any. when I first joined, I put my thread into the welcome section, and as I posted more, my thread would move between different areas in the forums - but that was because as more information was available about it (through my story) it would change. In short, you don't have the worry.

In relation to your marriage, is there anyone that can talk to about what has happened?

And if not, you can always use this spot as a starting space. I will listen, and likely ask a few questions about you etc. Know this is a safe space, where you will not be judged, and you will be accepted by all.

Tim

Hercs1 · ‎05-06-2019

I found out my wife of 15 years has been sleeping with her boss for about 12 to 18 months and they are both in love with each other (well they think they are). I've got two teenage kids and I'm really struggling to process what has happened. She basically spends one week at home and the other shacked up with this guy. Not showing any real remorse. I'm sick to the core every day (its been about 8 weeks now) and not getting any better. I am divorcing her as I cannot ever live with what shes done and still now doing. She made a half ass attempt to reconcile but i knocked it back. I wonder if I should have tried but I know deep down I couldn't let it go . Part of me still wants her but when I get angry I don't want anything to do with her. Property settlement will be a mess and things will get ugly. I am now alone but I need to be there for my kids. Sometimes I cannot see any light in the tunnel ahead and feel like burying my self in a big black hole. Any one got any words of advice?

Jurani · ‎05-06-2019

I'm thinking your wife can't have her cake and eat it too. You deserve to be treated with respect, and I don't feel she is offering this to you right now. People 'stray' for a reason, there always is one. Have you asked her what caused her to take this path? It sounds like she's in a comfort zone...living with you one week, him the next. I think you need to discuss this with her and probably stop it. If you go to your GP, he may be able to refer you to free counselling, depending on your circumstances. I urge you to do this for your own well-being. Depending on her reason for 'straying', it may be possible for you to reconcile, but you'd probably both have to go to counselling together to see if this is possible. I can't see how you can maintain being in this situation though, with her coming and going. There is a direct lack of respect here though from her side. I would come straight out and ask her why she's done this? You may be surprised. I think you need answers to this, and good communication is so important especially since you have kids ok? If you want your marriage to work, then you need to discuss this with her probably in a calm way which can be difficult under the circumstances. Anger causes frustration and it causes people to shut down, so be prepared to tackle this if you decide to, in a calm way. If she gets angry that you've brought it up, tell her that she's hurt you alot and you're trying to gain some understanding about all of this. If she still refuses to talk about it, then you need to re-schedule a time that suits both of you where you're both calm. I think I'd leave the other guy out of the conversation, and just focus on her feelings. If you approach this in an understanding way at the very least you'll gain some clarity and closure on this issue. If she refuses to end it with the other guy, then you need to discuss her moving out of the family home, because that's the only solution. If you can work it out with her, then she will need to leave her current job and cease all contact with this guy, period. I urge you to try and get some counselling, it will help you ok? Best of luck and I hope you can resolve this either with her, or by yourself so you can move on with your life. Take care.

Kcat · ‎07-06-2019

Hi there,

‘I really feel for you, my ex husband ended our marriage suddenly just over a year ago after 12 years of marriage so I totally understand what you’re going through right now. Things will eventually get easier, it is important to recognise that, and i really suggest you go and see a psychologist as soon as possible so you can talk to someone. It did help me, just to get it out to someone unrelated to your personal circle. I was full of such rage and sadness that I couldn’t see straight, and all of that is completely understandable, whatever you are feeling is. Also do you have a good friend who could be of help and support to you?

‘I would say that for now, you need to put some support things in place for yourself, as whatever happens with the relationship, you need to look after your well-being at this point. It’s hard to be able to talk to your partner at this point, my ex had another woman also so it was impossible to get any level of truth and insight there. Only now is he actually seeing what he did in a realistic light.

‘I hope some of that is of help, wishing you the best of luck and please take care of yourself during this terrible time and also know there are lots of people out there who know what you’re going through and have come out the other side ok.