Making the right decision

[Cassie1234]

I need help and advise from people who will not judge me and make me feel even craper. I have been with my partner for 24 years, married 17 years and have 3 kids. Life has got busy and over the past 5 years I have felt a something missing in my marriage. I tried talking to my husband about it many of times but he never fully got it. He stopped noticing me, making me feel special, I started doing things without him, even changed works thinking it was my job making me sad. He is a loving husband and father but I want more now. I started to stay back at work more because I didn’t really look forward to going home. This is where things get grey. I started to get to know a guy 22 years older. We clicked and talked and talked each day. Our friendship grew and we enjoyed each other’s company. He I guess was my emotional support when I wasn’t getting it from hubby. I have got into such a addiction to text him, see him I have formed feeling for this guy which I am ashamed off and I admitted to my husband I had feeling for him and he said he already knew. We have tried marriage counselling, I have been having single counselling too. I moved out in end of last year thinking I need time out but in fact gave me more time to see the other guy. I feel so guilty but can’t help my feelings. I have moved back home hoping things will get better and hubby is trying so hard to fight for me and I know he loves me so much. If he found out about the lying he will end the marriage and I don’t want to break his heart. I am struggling so much in the head because my head is saying to stay because he is a good man and my life would be comfortable.... if I leave him I risk my family wiping me because they are disgusted I even have feeling for someone else let alone a guy 22 years old. Stay would mean still heart attach . Go means broken marriage, upsetting kids,losing family and friends, town bullshit. But atm the I struggling with my husband touching me as I feel so guilty and I am scared things will go back to what it was before.... not exciting. I am miserable everyday because I don’t know what to do and how to feel. If anyone has been in this situation please honestly tell me what to do. I appreciate anyone help right now because I am just living and barely functioning normally. Just want to be happy again . Thanks for your time.

[quirkywords]

Cassie

Firstly welcome to this friendly forum that is full of supportive and nonjudgmental people.

I can understand how you are felt that your marriage was lacking feeling and that a younger person showed you attention and seemed to care.

Are you still seeing the younger man?

Have you had counselling with your husband?

I think you realise it has to be your indecision and that no one else can make it.

24 years is a long time to be with someone so now wonder you are confused.

I left my marriage after 20 years but it had been on the rocks since the beginning. I felt guilty but for me it was the right move . I think as a parent whatever yo do you will feel guilty.

I feel we all want to be made to feel we are special and are paid attention.

Thanks again for your honest story. We are here to support you and you are not alone.

Quirky

[Amy987]

Hi Cassie - I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I can only imagine how tight the spot you are in must feel, and I hope I can give you at least just a little bit of insight or advice in this scenario. Whether you take the advice or not is, of course, completely up to you.

In my opinion, another person being involved in the mix is a bad idea.

You need to be happy - for your children and for yourself; so if your partner no longer makes you happy, you have every right to break off the relationship. Focus your efforts on co-parenting and peaceful separation first. Put off any other guys, other people, other prospects - at least until the situation with your current partner is permanently resolved and healthy. That is all you owe to your children.

As the child of parents who separated after staying in a loveless marriage for too long - children ultimately do not care whether their parents are together or not. Children care if their parents are happy, healthy and getting along. Whether that is inside or outside of a relationship.

But leaving your partner specifically with another future partner in mind could be a recipe for disaster. If you leave your partner, it must be because you are done with him, not because someone else is more alluring. It's easy for someone else to be more alluring if they haven't been in a relationship for over a decade, after all. For all we know, they could end up the same way down the road... so focus on rouding off the relationship you have now first, and worry about the other guy much later.

That is something I wish my parents had done. Focus on co-parenting, focus on being able to get along reasonably well for the kids - give yourself 6 months to separate in a healthy, calm and peaceful way and to be on your own - THEN look at other potential partners.

That is just my opinion, of course, and your situation could have details that I don't now about or am completely missing. But I hope this gave you a new outside perspective to think about.

[Cassie1234]

Thankyou for replying

[Cassie1234]

Thankyou appreciate your time in replying and your honest message. I do agree about not jumping from one relationship to another. I think the problem short term too is not loving myself enough to make a decision. Confused to work out true feelings for my husband is the killer without it being forced or pushed.