Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Changes causing withdrawal

Community Member

Hi, over the last 1 1/2 years things have been taking a backwards step for my relationship with my wife. There are two major issues that are causing problems but the one I need the most help with I think most will find unusual and would wounder why I would feel this way.

My wife has always been a slightly bigger girl, we have been together for 10 years now. When we first met I thought she was amazing and loved her and her body even if she was a little bigger. Over the years she did put on extra weight due to having kids but I never once worried about it. 2 years ago she started to make changes to lose weight which I thought was great however it was to slower process for her. She decided she wanted surgery to speed up the weight loss, at this point when ever I brought up the fact I didn’t want her to lose to much she continued to ignore me and said it wouldn’t cause any issues to us.

One year later I’m lying here absolutely misriable, she has now lost almost 20kgs more than when we first meet. For her it’s amazing but for me I feel like I have lost her and have been feeling withdrawn sexually and emotionally from her. She hates me that I feel this way and continually post photos to Facebook looking for attention from people and it’s making me feel even worse now.

i should be happy but I’m really struggling and now she’s talking about separating so she can have happiness and have some to touch her and realise how sexy she is. What’s wrong with me!

thanks in advance

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome,

I'm sorry we haven't picked up your post sooner. It gets busy here.

I think there is certainly an insecurity problem you have. Also normally, one would want to see their wife happy with her new body. Both of these issues deserve attention by therapy or other recommended treatment. A GP appointment is warranted.

I'm of a firm belief that most men prefer slimmer women but with the love we receive and a lady's personality it doesn't matter. However, you think the reverse. Hence why I think it is related to insecurity.

Firstly I would let her know that you are happy for her that she feels better and that it is you that has the problem

Secondly as a response to that you are willing to seek therapy to sort out what is going on.

Reassure her that you do love her and it isn't her fault.

Best of luck


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey rlt

Tony has given you some suggestions and I second his views. I too also welcome you to the forum and this is a non-judgemental place where we all go through periods.

To give you some context I was your wife. I have battled endlessly with my weight for many years and it was one cause of stress (amongst others) in my life. I had surgery and I have lost 60 kilos and I am still the same person inside just not physically. But where I do understand your wife’s happiness is that we as women like to look good and feel good and clothes shopping becomes easier, life becomes easier. It is really lovely (although I know it’s vapid and perhaps superficial) to be noticed that you’re putting an effort into a healthy lifestyle. Weight unfortunately plays havoc not only in our physical appearance but also our hormones, energy levels and physical well being.

I know it must be difficult for you but maybe talking to her about how you can be included in her journey - healthier eating, go for walks together (if possible) and this will also be beneficial for you too as exercise is great for when you’re not feeling the best.

You love your wife, I have no doubt she loves you and is just excited about her new found confidence.

Love to hear your thoughts.

- happy 😊