Lost

[kix31]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 3 years now who lives overseas, where I used to live and met him originally. While it started off casual we chatted regularly for years and I went overseas to visit several times (not just for him but we always saw each other). We never confirmed we were dating, we both were kind of open about seeing others but he never did the whole time we were having our thing. There was a language barrier but the chats became serious over the years and he used to say he loved me or strong words of similar intent. When we saw each other there was so much connection and passion. The last time I visited, he was so excited to see me, moreso than ever. He was reaching out and making plans as soon as I landed, acting way more comfortable around me than ever. We saw each other twice and chatting afterwards like normal and then he suddenly ghosted me. I knew something was up and I spent the rest of my week in another country heartbroken and lonely knowing he was just waiting for me to leave.

When I got home he continued to ignore me until I asked him to delete some pictures we shared. He’s pretty respectful in that regard so he responded and confirmed he had but his tone was so cold. I asked what I’d done wrong. He replied saying nothing but he had a crush on someone and even used an emoji like it was nothing serious. I was so upset and we sort of argued (for the first time ever) then he went back to ignoring me. I left it for a little than poured my heart out saying how hurt I was about ending things like that, I couldn’t even say goodbye it felt so terrible. He replied like his former normal self saying he was sorry and he was trying to push me away to become a better person and he never meant to hurt me. We agreed to stay friends (I’ve always been friends with my exs or people I’ve casually seen I’ve never had a terrible break where I’ve not spoken to them ever again). The problem was we had such a level of intimacy and trust that when we were together we weren’t always careful. And I tested positive for pregnancy when I returned home and in that time when he wasn’t talking to me. It was honestly the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Then I had an early miscarriage (chemical pregnancy) - confirmed by my doctor and had to endure months of bad health, many STI tests that they made me do because of the situation all alone. To make matters worse I have health issues which really shouldn’t allow me to conceive so it messed with me a little.

When I told him he was caring enough. He reached out a few times to see how I was and when he saw I’d been in hospital he was really worried about me.

I recently couldn’t handle it anymore and asked him what I ever meant to him. He acted like it was nothing and he didn’t really know me well enough to answer that question and it was burdensome to answer. I admit when we started we were casual and we’d been fluid but the way it ended and the things we used to say to each other…I just don’t understand. I didn’t want him back but I at least wanted him to admit he liked me at least I just wanted closure. I’ve never felt so depressed in my life after all this it’s really destroying me…..how to get closure when it’s really not there?

[smallwolf]

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been through. It's clear that you developed a deep emotional connection with this person over the years, and the sudden change in their behavior must have been incredibly hurtful and confusing. It's understandable that you're seeking closure and trying to make sense of what happened.

One approach that might help you in this process is focusing on self-reflection and self-care. Take the time to understand your own feelings and needs. You might find it helpful to write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal. Another possibility is writing a letter to the other person - you don't have to send it. I have been given this as an exercise from my psychologist. Allow yourself to grieve and process the emotions associated with the loss you've experienced. Surround yourself with supportive friends or family members who can provide comfort and understanding.

Sometimes, closure comes from accepting that not everything in life makes sense and that people's actions may not always align with their words. Prioritize your own well-being and not let this experience define your self-worth.

If you find it difficult to cope with the impact all this has had on you, it may be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or counselor. They can provide guidance and help you navigate through this challenging time. If you want to talk more here, I 'm listening.

[kix31]

Thank you so much for your reply. I’ve been doing a little journaling and writing notes that I haven’t sent so I think it does help a little I’ll continue. And I’m in counselling. I’ll keep it up and hopefully will begin to accept the situation soon.

[smallwolf]

Good to hear you have done some journal writing. I found it helpful to get the stuff out my of mind and sometimes helpful to give my psychologist to let them know what I'm thinking or going through. And hopefully with the counselling you might find the answers you are looking for. 

I was also thinking about closure and what that means ... there have been times in my journey where I wanted some sort of closure in an situation. This has come about in session with my psychologist. At the same time I recognise that it does not change what happened. I cannot undo it. All I can really do is accept it, and other choice words in my head (anger). As much as you deserve closure you might not get that. But this does not reflect on your own worth. And take your time re healing ...

Listening to you.

[tranzcrybe]

Compared with the passage of time, your encounters with each other were relatively brief.
However, the time spent apart can be felt as the continuation of what was clearly very special, but then again this can be the product of self elaboration and enhancement in the absence of the lived experience.
In this respect, the love you developed may have been akin to a climbing rose upon a lattice: beautiful and precious, but supported by very little - and particularly surprising (or perhaps a bit too confronting) for your love interest who may not have followed the same course of thinking or intention.
In reality, you may ask yourself what he ever meant to you, when the extent of his involvement was limited to the throes of passion.

Closure can sometimes descend on us with a bit of a thud unfortunately, but I hope you take care of yourself and regain your health to find the love you seek and with the same you shall receive in equal measure.