Lost , Lonely, Confused, Guilt

[Going through the motions]

Hi , thank you for reading my thoughts after losing my wife of 34 years. My wife, Sue , passed away on Christmas Day 2016 . To say that my life has never been the same would be an incredible understatement. When the love of your life is not there anymore, when you look across your bed and she is not there, when you are driving and you look across she’s not there , it is an emptiness I would not wish upon anyone. After 3 years I had a need for someone to be in my life , not just about the physical but it was more about the emotional needs . To have someone to share your life with was out of control. On 3 occasions I tried to have a relationship with someone and on 3 occasions I ended it because I couldn’t justify my selfish needs over the love of my wife . I ended up in a mental health facility for 2 weeks on some strong medication. Where I am at now is I struggle badly with loneliness but I don’t want that “relationship “ situation in my life because I still love my wife so much . I have been pushing myself work wise to exhaustion so I just come home and collapse and then get up and go again. I am 65 , nearing 66 , I can’t keep this up. Nothing seems to excite me , because I don’t have anyone to share that excitement with. I certainly don’t and won’t consider suicide but sometimes when I wake up I wish that I hadn’t.

Thank you for your time

Bruce

[Sophie_M]

Dear Going through the motions.

Thank you so very truly for joining our forum community - we are grateful to have you; thank you more so for the honesty and courage we read in this post. 

Perhaps one of the great mysteries of life is 'why is it that the one experience of exist that is so cruelly devastating is the one we are all guaranteed to have?'. Grief can be such a brutally lonely experience. Its backhanded beauty is that so very many of us understand it intimately. 

We share such sorrow with you for how all of this is feeling. The ache that you probably know, deep down, that the amazing woman you lost would be devastated to know you are feeling this way; but with that pain of knowing so much of you is still hers, just as much if not more so than when she was with you. 

We want to remind you that there is no short cut in grief and loss. Finding your way forward can only happen your way and in your time - that said, there are those that can make it easier, and less lonely, to take that journey actively. You can of course reach out to us anytime on 1300 22 4636 or click here to start a webchat.

But we would also love for you to reach out to our friends at Griefline on 1300 845 745. Mensline might also help to reach out to - 1300 78 99 78

Most importantly - please stay with us here. We do hope you will reach out again soon!

Regards,

Sophie M. 

 

[Juliet_84]

Hi Bruce,

My heart absolutely breaks for you, the joy of having the person you love for 34 years only magnifies the loss even more. Your grief will continue for some time and everything will remind you of them, that is only natural and a stage you must to go through. But like they say, there are stages. Gradually over time your grief will become less and less, and then eventually you will find yourself able to smile at a joke you heard or something small and know you are healing. Like you said, I don’t think you are in the right headspace for a relationship at this time, it’s too soon and may cause more problems for you than it’s worth. However, have you considered a dog or cat? The reason that I ask is that animals add so much to your life. They give you a sense of purpose, of caring for something that asks very little of you in return and provides you with a constant source of companionship. You will also be required to be home in time to feed them (limiting your excessive overtime) and will need to walk them regularly, which will get you out in nature and improve your mental health. Since having a dog, I never feel lonely anymore as I always have them here with me, in fact I found their constant companionship very comforting. I understand that not everyone is an animal lover and it is a big commitment so it depends on you, but it might be something worth considering? If you don’t feel comfortable committing to a puppy right now, you could always consider an older dog or giving a rescue a second chance at life?

[Going through the motions]

Hi everyone, I’m not experienced at this so please forgive me . I have been a widower for 6 and a half years and I don’t feel like I will ever feel genuine happiness again. I have tried a few different relationships but I I have always ended them and hurt them, not intentionally . I feel like I’m not a good person to be with now. Maybe I have loved my wife so deeply I will never find a relationship that will ever work. Not trying any more. Not meant to be happy anymore. I should be retired but I can’t do it , it will just highlight the pain even more. I truly think I am just existing for the sake of existing.

[Mark Z.]

Hi Going through the motions,

I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a spouse can be very difficult and it’s normal to feel like you’ll never find happiness again. However, it’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s okay to take your time and process your emotions at your own pace. Go easy on yourself. There is no “right” way to feel after losing your spouse.

Take care of your physical health is equally important. Grieving can take a toll on your emotions as well as your body. Make sure you eat healthy food, sleep enough, do regular exercise, and have a life routine. It'll be helpful for sure.

You can also consider other things that might be meaningful for you, such as exploring your interests, getting a pet, or engaging in volunteer work. It might bring you more sense of fullness.

Don't hesitate to seek professional help if needed, this can include seeing a psychologist, or approaching a support group. If you have no idea where to start, start with your GP or ring BeyondBlue hotline 24/7.

Hope everything will be better.
Mark

[tassie_natural]

Hi.  I'm newly widowed and feel like you too.  I'm eight months in and to hear you are six and a half years in and still feel like is is so scary to me.  I just go through the motions each day and can't ever imagine feeling joy or happiness ever again.  I'm sure you don't mean to hurt anyone and maybe if you try and connect with others that have been widowed they might understand your situation better?  I just wanted to let you know that I know what it feels like and you're not alone in feeling like it.  I know it won't make you feel any better but still wanted to let you know I understand.